Everyone likes being appreciated - I know I do and I suspect most other people do also.

We were taught - or “trained” - at a very young age to say “thank you” at the same time we were taught to say “please.” I still hear parents today asking their kids the same question my parents asked me: “What do you say?” Everybody now: “Thaaank you.”

While we may not notice the times when we don’t say “thank you,” the person who deserves the acknowledgement does. In fact, if we neglect to say “thank you” often enough there’s a strong likelihood that he’ll refuse to do anything for us in the future. And really, why should he? If his efforts aren’t appreciated, acknowledged or noticed, why should he bother?

The bottom line is that when we express our appreciation and gratitude, it’s more likely that others will do, and continue to do, helpful or thoughtful things for us. The less appreciation and gratitude we show, the less others are willing to do.

The same goes for us: why would we spend our time and effort doing something for someone who can’t be bothered to acknowledge it?

What Do You Say?
There are times when a plain “thank you” just isn’t enough; it doesn’t adequately correspond to what was received, be it in value, effort, or thought.

Here are three steps on how to express a really good “thank you.”

1. Consciously say “thank you.”
Sounds obvious, but how many times have we been so busy that we simply didn’t think of saying “thank you”? Or the number of times we’ve said a “knee-jerk thank you” without thinking about who we’re saying it to or for what reason?

To give a conscious thank you, pause for a mere second, look the other person in the eye and then say “thank you.” Also, if you know her name, say it.

Saying “Thank you, Maria” is more personal and meaningful than the off-the-cuff autoresponse “thanks” while not looking up from whatever it is you’re doing at the time.

2. State why you’re thanking her.
Stating why you’re saying “thank you” acknowledges and recognizes whatever is being offered.

For example, your employee or colleague stayed late at the office to complete a report you need for a particular project. Saying “Hey, thanks!” and giving a quick wave as you pass by her office doesn’t represent the amount of effort and time it took for her to stay in the office until 10pm getting the work done for you. In fact, such a casual and unthoughtful “thanks” can be considered insulting and patronizing.

A better way to express your gratitude to Maria would be to first give her a conscious “thank you” followed by the reason why you’re thanking her: “Thank you, Maria, for working late last night to finish off this report.”

This way, Maria knows that you’ve recognized her effort to produce the report for you - and this is particularly important if you’re her boss. Your staff and employees need to know that you noticed the “extra mile” they went through to get the job done. Acknowledge that and you’ll make a positive difference in their work satisfaction level.

3. State the result her action.
“Thank you, Maria, for working late last night to finish off this report. It’ll help me move forward and get this project completed on time.”

This simple addition to your “thank you” describes the effect of her contribution and confirms that her effort was worthwhile. It helps to give her an understanding of her role in the bigger picture of her department or organization and that her contributions really do matter.

Saying a conscious and thoughtful “thank you” shows that we understand the efforts others make for us. In addition, it shows respect and appreciation for them and their contribution.

Taking the time to communicate our gratitude by saying “thank you” is key to building strong, long-lasting interpersonal relationships.

Just the thought of small talk congers up painful memories of stilted conversations that revolved around the weather and umpteen other dreadfully boring topics.

While small talk is engaging in non-personal conversation that is casual, light and “safe” – meaning that the topics are of general interest and are not offensive – it doesn’t have to set off rounds of yawn-tag and constant clock watching.

Fortunately, the key to making good small talk is simple: be interested in other people.

Having a sincere interest in another is the best starting point when first engaging in conversation - it’s also the basis on which to build and maintain good relationships.

We create better first impressions, increase our chances of being remembered, and make friends quicker when we’re focusing our attention on others rather than trying to get them to focus on us.

Being interested in someone else involves asking them questions about themselves and actively listening to their answers.

Be a “big-listener” not a “small-talker.”
Generally, we all have visions of impressing others with our insights, philosophies, and sharp wit. We want to be the centre of attention by being the one answering questions, not the one asking them.

The good “small-talker” knows, however, that her role is to be the listener not the talker.

So - how do you implement this one-easy-step-to-making-small-talk? Well…

Ask Questions
Begin small talk by asking the other person questions about himself – his opinions, work or activities. Keep your questions open-ended, as opposed to “yes/no” questions, listen to his responses and build the conversation on those.

Asking open-ended questions creates a dialogue and helps you get to know the other person. Also, if you begin the conversation in a way that’s relevant to the situation in which you’re meeting, you’ll have a common starting point.

For example, if you first meet someone at business luncheon, you could ask:

“Have you been to one of these events before?”

If he says “yes,” then ask questions like: “When?” “Was there a guest speaker?” “What was the topic?”

If he says “no,” ask questions such as: “How did you hear about this one?” “What do you think about the guest speaker?”

Listen to his responses and build the conversation by balancing your questions with brief comments.

Topics for Discussion
Keep up on popular current events, local news, or sports and use them for conversation starters: “What do you think about…?” or “What are your thoughts on…?”

Additional topics for discussion can include the profession or recreational interests of the person your speaking with. Ask questions, listen to their answers and build a conversation around them. If you have tidbits of information or a story that’s related to the topic, contribute it to the discussion, but keep your focus on the other person.

A Compliment as an Ice Breaker
Another approach to small talk is to compliment the other person. Notice the person you’d like to speak with and find something you like. It can be as simple as saying, “What a beautiful watch. You have such good taste.”

Then you could follow it up with questions regarding how they got it, such as, “Where is it from?” Perhaps it was from the local art gallery gift shop, you could then ask,”Oh – what exhibit did you see?” “What did you think of it?”

By giving a compliment, you’re showing that you’re friendly and approachable and it creates an instant rapport. The reaction you’ll receive is usually one that’s very positive and appreciative.

Joking Around
Have a few good jokes up your sleeve. “Good” jokes are those that are humourous and without offensive content. Stay away from the “three professionals, religious leaders or politicians walked into a bar” jokes – they’re probably derogatory and insulting.

There are lots of good, clean jokes that can easily be found on the internet and you only need to know two or three.

Don’ts
As a general rule of thumb, stay away from gossip, criticism, sarcasm and negative comments. You don’t want to offend someone accidentally - or on purpose, for that matter - by off-the-cuff thoughtless remarks.

But Always…
Be interested in others: ask questions and be a good listener.

Giving feedback is one of the most important interpersonal skills for any manager.

The purpose of constructive feedback is to provide information that will make improvements and create better results. For feedback to be useful, it has to be actionable, otherwise it’s likely that the situation or behaviour will recur.

Whenever you’re giving feedback, keep in mind that you’ll probably have an ongoing relationship with this person, so use your feedback to reinforce good relations.

Let’s say that you’re giving constructive feedback to a member of your staff. Here are five steps to help you give good feedback:

1. Timing.

Make sure the time is right. The sooner the better, but if you’re upset about the situation – or your employee is – take a “time-out.” This is preferable than giving or receiving feedback when one of you is already in a bad mood.

2. Choose your words.

The way you say something can have a great impact on the receiver. Depending on your choice of words, you can establish an amicable feedback environment or a hostile one.

Saying, “You need to do…” or “You’re not doing this properly,” can put the receiver on the defensive from the get-go. Using the pronoun “you” makes the comments personal and can be interpreted as condescending or highly critical.

Instead, say “I noticed that…” or “I understand that…” Beginning feedback phrases this way discusses the action or behaviour that needs to be changed, not the person.

3. Start with the positive.

Positive feedback acknowledges good contributions and work well done. Give specific examples of what the receiver did well. Doing so is more meaningful than a general “Good job!” comment that can be said to anyone, any time, and doesn’t even have to be sincere.

Let the receiver know the positive impact their contribution had on the department or organization so they understand the results – this also lets them know that you see it and appreciate it. In addition, reinforcing the positive encourages more of the same.

4. Be descriptive and talk about the facts.

When giving constructive feedback, discuss what happened, not how you feel about what happened. Focus on the situation, describe it, and stay objective. Give a reason why it’s an issue and state the impact it had on the rest of the staff, the organization, or the customer.

When you stick with the facts, you can discuss them more easily. Being specific and clear assists the receiver in understanding the issue and what requires changes.

5. Collaborate to come up with ideas for improvement.

It’s not up to you to come up with all the solutions by yourself - although you can offer suggestions that you think would be helpful. Make a point of involving the recipient in this crucial part of the feedback process. This way, the recipient has some ownership and involvement in decision-making, which will result in a greater commitment to see that it’s implemented. Working together finds better ways of improving the situation and will likely create a solution that is acceptable to both of you.

Offering constructive feedback can seem like a daunting task. If it’s approached with the good intention of making improvements and creating better situations, rather than criticizing and judging, it is positive input with beneficial results.

Conflicts are a normal part of life. We interact with so many different people in so many different situations that we’re bound to run into difficulties.

A conflict is a disagreement where those involved feel that they are somehow being threatened. It could be that they perceive a threat to their way of thinking, their interests, position, possessions – anything that they hold of value. Because of this, even though a conflict is a disagreement, it can be emotionally fueled.

The most effective conflict resolution is one in which you get what you want while helping the other party get what he wants. It sounds contradictory, but it’s really not.

When you negotiate to secure your wants and take into account the wants of your counterpart, he will be more likely to work with you and help you achieve your goals. At the same time, he’s less likely to feel defensive, aggressive or confrontational.

Effective conflict resolution requires good negotiating skills. Good negotiating skills require practice and thought. While there are many factors to consider when entering into a negotiation, let’s start by looking at four overarching elements of effective negotiation to resolve conflict:

1. Know what you want and/or need.
This may seem obvious, but sometimes we enter into a negotiation knowing sort of what we want, but not specifically.

The point of negotiating is to secure what it is that you want, or get as close to it as possible. When you know what that is, write it down and be clear. State why you want it. This is your starting point.

It’s also good to recognize what isn’t as important to you. There may be something that you’d be willing to give up as part of the negotiation. Create a priority scale that outlines the most important to least important needs so you know your “want parameters.”

2. Know what the other person wants and/or needs.
Like you, the person you’re negotiating with has their own wants. Discuss what they’re looking to accomplish from the negotiation and listen carefully.

3. Discuss and clarify.
Discuss which points you agree on and to what extent. Determine which goals, relative to the negotiation, that you both have in common.

Define and talk about all issues or concerns. It can be a daunting task to try to deal with all issues at once, so list all issues, prioritize them, and approach them one by one.

Through discussion, you’ll both have a better understanding of one another. This will help you create a mutually acceptable agreement.

4. Work together towards an agreement.
It’s important to work as a team to create an agreement because all parties need to have ownership of it and the responsibility for it. This kind of collaboration results in an agreement that responds to both parties’ wants and needs.

Take some time to consider what you can do for your counterpart to help him secure what he’s negotiating for. This doesn’t mean acquiescing what you want. Chances are, however, that if you’re willing to help your counterpart get what he wants, he’ll be more likely to help you get what you want.

Above all, make sure that the agreement is:

• fair
• realistic
• doable
• clear
• understandable.

In addition, the agreement should:

• outline roles and responsibilities with enough detail that everyone understands their part and can take action
• have a timeline, if relevant.

While there are many other factors to establish an environment for effective negotiation, these four steps provide a solid foundation for good negotiation and conflict resolution.

Good social skills are key to getting along with others and help us to connect with the people around us. They’re not about conforming, but having a healthy respect for others.

There are many, many different elements to social skills and if you’re looking for an all-in-one, short-and-sweet, how-to lesson on social skills, you’re going to be disappointed. There’s no magic formula for good social skills, no Social Skills Potion #6.

Social skills encompass a wide variety of verbal and non-verbal communication skills. Fortunately, social skills can be learned and, with practice, you’ll reap the benefits in your career and personal life.

Building Social Skills

Here are three basic tips of non-verbal social skills for improving social interactions.

Smile
First thing’s first: smile. Smiling is a great way to make people comfortable around you and make you appear approachable. Try it when you enter a room, meeting, or social event and see how it automatically creates a friendly rapport.

It’s not like you should paste a phony grin or a forced smile on your face – we can all see through that. Just a simple, sincere, greeting smile that is welcoming and appealing. If you’re not a “smiler” just be aware of your facial expression.

Make Eye Contact
In Western culture, making eye contact shows an interest in someone and what they’re saying while avoiding eye contact can show disinterest or boredom.

Eye contact should be friendly, attentive and relaxed. It doesn’t mean staring intensely into someone’s eyes – this can be uncomfortable for the other person.

If looking into someone’s eyes makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to look directly into them. Try looking in that general area – at their eyebrows or the bridge of their nose. At the very least, look at their face as opposed to your shoes.

Listen
This is probably one of the least developed social skills. Listening is different from hearing. Listening is making sense of and understanding what is being said; hearing is a physical ability. We tend to be good “hearers” but not always good listeners.

Listening goes beyond using your ears – that’s just the beginning. Listening involves your entire face and even your body.

Your facial expressions let the speaker know that you’re listening and whether or not you’re following and understanding what he is saying. Focus on the person who is speaking by maintaining eye contact, nodding your head, using verbal cues such as “uh-huh” and “I see,” and standing or sitting still to reduce distractions.

Also, don’t interrupt. We tend to want to be the speaker and say what’s on our mind. You’ll have your turn to talk when the speaker is finished. Speakers need listeners and vice-a-versa.

Notice that these three social skills tips don’t include talking. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk at all, far from it. They’ve just isolated these to emphasize their overall importance for good social skills.

Being aware of non-verbal skills is part of good social skills. If your goal is to have better interactions with others, simply keep these in mind.

The random acts of kindness movement has arrived into our lives through Kindness Days, Kindness Clubs, bumper stickers and, believe it or not, “how-to” kindness manuals. It has become a rather fashionable and trendy right-thing-to-do. Random acts of kindness (a play on the words “random acts of violence”) can be planned or unplanned, but for a kind act to be called a “random,” it has to be done anonymously.

Random or not, anonymous or not, the world is a better place when kindness and compassion for one another flourishes. But what happened to the non-random, attach-a-name-to kindness that we call courtesy? What happened to treating everyone we meet with respect and consideration? This was the courtesy we learned about before we could spell our own names. “Be nice, play fair, and share.” It was part of our day-to-day way of living and it didn’t matter if it was given anonymously or not, or to strangers or friends, acquaintances or family. We don’t seem to see much of it anymore.

Let’s face it. At work, we’re most courteous to the people who we’re trying to get something from – like a stellar job review, a promotion, or a better computer. But courtesy should be extended to everyone - and by everyone I mean our staff, our assistant, the receptionist, the security guard, the cleaning staff – you get the picture. The initials behind our names and the corporate positions we hold do not exempt us from treating others well at all times.

Courtesy is the simple, thoughtful words and actions that take seconds to do and have lasting effects. It’s greeting the receptionist in the morning instead of walking by pretending you didn’t see her; saying “thank you” when someone from the mailroom drops off a package; acknowledging the person who set up the sandwiches in the conference room for your lunchtime meeting; or buying a second cup coffee and bringing it to your assistant. Next time you’re in the elevator with someone struggling to hold three armloads of files, instead of saying what you think is a witty comment like, “You certainly have your hands full!” say, “Can I give you a hand with that?”

Don’t get me wrong. Random acts of kindness are wonderful and can be fun at the same time. However, they are in addition to our daily courtesies. The side-effects of treating everyone with respect all the time helps to reduce stress and relieve tension that eat away at our companies’ productivity. Best of all, it creates an environment where Monday mornings aren’t that bad and goodwill is contagious.

Courtesy belongs in the workplace and should not left by the revolving doors of our office buildings from 9-5. We could launch a campaign to bring courtesy back into the workplace and we could give it a name, like The Courtesy Crusade, or designate a day to it or create bumper stickers. Instead of doing all that and spending our energy making courtesy an event, let’s just do it, everyday, quietly and simply.

This was my question to my peer when I was requesting feedback from her:

“I’ve attached the two ads that I spoke to you about when we met. If you have a moment, could you please take a look at both and give me your feedback?”

This was her response:

“I do not like either. The image looks very phony to me. But if I have to choose, I would choose the one with the special introductory offer.”

Obviously, I wasn’t clear regarding the kind of information I wanted from her; she gave me her opinion, not constructive feedback.

The purpose of constructive feedback is to provide timely, honest, useful comments and suggestions that contribute to a positive outcome, a better process or improved behaviours.

I realize now that when I’m asking for feedback, I have to ask specifically for the information I need for the purpose of improving. It’s my responsibility to guide them to provide me with the type of information that I seek to make the result better.

Ask Specific Questions, Get Specific Answers

I should have asked specific questions for feedback, such as:

• Is the ad eye-catching?
• Would it be seen in a sea of other ads and newspaper copy?
• What could be done to make it more noticeable?
  

• Is the wording effective?
• Do some sentences flow poorly?
• What could improve it?
  

• Is the ad an appropriate size to be seen easily in the newspaper?
• If not, what would be better?

Make Sure You Ask the Right Person

When considering what kind of feedback you want, let that lead you to the person who is best suited to respond. Avoid asking someone who lacks the expertise that precise area.

Understanding what it is that you want from the person giving the feedback helps them respond more effectively and provide you with the information you need to improve. Next time, I’ll ask the right questions to the right person.

Want to know more about improving your constructive feedback skills? Get your copy of the eBook Express Yourself to Success.

We often confuse feedback with criticism - probably because much of our experience with it has had more to do with what we’ve done wrong than what we’ve done right or how we could do better.

This is unfortunate. Feedback should not be viewed as a personal assault or a list of errors, mistakes, or mishaps.

While the content of the feedback can be negative, its delivery can always be constructive. If it’s not, the feedback will not be accepted or be received as an insult, which can ignite other issues and problems.

Constructive feedback is the most useful and beneficial to the receiver because it provides encouragement, support, corrective measures and direction.

Definition of Feedback

The definition of feedback in organizations and business is ongoing, open two-way communication between two or more parties. Typically, feedback is given in annual performance reviews, but the best feedback is timely, honest, and provides useful comments and suggestions that contribute to a positive outcome, a better process or improved behaviours.

When delivered in a positive, constructive way, you can say something negative without offending or putting the other person on the defensive. At the same time, you help solve the problem, change behaviour and work towards established goals.

What are the Characteristics of Good Constructive Feedback?

Good constructive feedback is

• given with the goal of improvement
• timely
• honest
• respectful
• clear
• issue-specific
• objective
• supportive
• motivating
• action-oriented
• solution-oriented.

On the Other Hand, What is Destructive Feedback?

Destructive feedback is

• unhelpful
• accusatory
• personal
• judgmental
• subjective.

It also

• undermines the self-esteem of the receiver
• leaves the issue unresolved
• the receiver is unsure how to proceed.

Why is it Important to Give Feedback?

To improve. The importance of feedback in an organization is crucial to its ongoing development and growth. In the competitive environment that businesses operate constructive feedback is essential for continuous improvement.

Employers need to give effective, constructive feedbackregularly, which is what most employees want. What employees look for in feedback from employers includes positive reinforcement and acknowledgment for a job well done as well as ideas or instructions on doing their jobs better.

Learning how to give good feedback is a learned social skill and one that can be achieved through thought and planning.

Want to know more about improving your constructive feedback skills? Get your copy of the eBook Express Yourself to Success.

Strong positive relationships are essential to achieving our success - whether they be work relationships, family relationships or relationships with others in our communities. We’re in almost constant contact with others and we should make every contact an opportunity to strengthen our social skills and reinforce our relationships.

With that in mind, here are ten benefits for maintaining good long-term relationships:

1. Trust: Long-term relationships are based on trust. When we trust others, we are more relaxed, comfortable and willing to be ourselves without any pretenses or trying to maintain a facade of someone we’re not.

2. Acceptance: Once we experience trust with others, we can be honest about our weaknesses and shortcomings because we’re confident that we will be accepted for who we are, without judgment or criticism.

3. Support: Our lives go through many changes, some planned and some take us by surprise. In either case, they often take us out of our comfort zone and challenge us to grow and become more than we were before. Good, healthy relationships give us the support and encouragement we need to rise to new and different challenges.

4. A Kind Ear: Having someone who will listen non-judgmentally when you’re feeling down or frustrated and want to “vent” gives you the freedom to express yourself. Sometimes you just need to get something off your chest without feeling like you have to watch every word you say.

5. Understanding: When someone knows you well enough to understand where you’re “coming from” and instantly know the context in which you’re speaking, it’s easier to open up. Individuals in long-term relationships have a history of shared experiences that build a mutual understanding so they “get you” without a lot of explanation.

6. Someone to Call On When You Need a Hand: Everyone, from time to time, needs a hand from a friend, colleague, peer, or family member. This can be in the form of advice, a new job, or assistance with a particular project in which you need to call on another’s expertise.

7. Referrals and References: You can count on the people with whom you have a good relationship to give you a positive reference or referral - they’re more likely to be a good advocate for you and expound on your strengths and strong points.

8. Share and Celebrate: Celebrating with people who truly care about you and want celebrate with you when your life is going well, when you secured a promotion, or when bought your first house is a ton fun. Being acknowledged for your accomplishments is a rewarding experience and when you have good relationships, most want to be part of celebrating your success.

9. Reduced Stress: Sharing your life with friends and coworkers who you trust, who accept, understand and support you reduces stress because you have camaraderie and, therefore, less potential for interpersonal conflicts. Good relationships bring about the best in work teams and families by reducing the anxieties that cause stress and, at the same time, good relationships cultivate a sense of well-being and emotional security.

10. Happiness and Satisfaction: Having good relationships means there’s a mutual like for one another. Being around people you like and who like you create situations that are harmonious, supportive, and well, happy. You have an overall feeling of satisfaction in your life - be it at work, at home, or in your community.

Now, here are ten benefits others will receive from having a good relationship with you:

1. Trust
2. Acceptance
3. Support
4. A Kind Ear
5. Understanding
6. Someone to Call On When You Need a Hand
7. Referrals and References
8. Share and Celebrate
9. Reduce Stress
10. Happiness and Satisfaction

Did you notice that the list was exactly the same?

The strongest and best relationships are made when all parties give and receive. If you want these ten benefits for yourself, you have to give them to others.

Too often we look at relationships with a “what-do-I-get-out-of-this?” perspective. That’s not how good relationships work. It’s about give and take.

Think about what you want out of a relationship, then give it. You’ll be surprised at how much better your relationships become!

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