Conflicts are a normal part of life. We interact with so many different people in so many different situations that we’re bound to run into difficulties.
A conflict is a disagreement where those involved feel that they are somehow being threatened. It could be that they perceive a threat to their way of thinking, their interests, position, possessions – anything that they hold of value. Because of this, even though a conflict is a disagreement, it can be emotionally fueled.
The most effective conflict resolution is one in which you get what you want while helping the other party get what he wants. It sounds contradictory, but it’s really not.
When you negotiate to secure your wants and take into account the wants of your counterpart, he will be more likely to work with you and help you achieve your goals. At the same time, he’s less likely to feel defensive, aggressive or confrontational.
Effective conflict resolution requires good negotiating skills. Good negotiating skills require practice and thought. While there are many factors to consider when entering into a negotiation, let’s start by looking at four overarching elements of effective negotiation to resolve conflict:
1. Know what you want and/or need.
This may seem obvious, but sometimes we enter into a negotiation knowing sort of what we want, but not specifically.
The point of negotiating is to secure what it is that you want, or get as close to it as possible. When you know what that is, write it down and be clear. State why you want it. This is your starting point.
It’s also good to recognize what isn’t as important to you. There may be something that you’d be willing to give up as part of the negotiation. Create a priority scale that outlines the most important to least important needs so you know your “want parameters.”
2. Know what the other person wants and/or needs.
Like you, the person you’re negotiating with has their own wants. Discuss what they’re looking to accomplish from the negotiation and listen carefully.
3. Discuss and clarify.
Discuss which points you agree on and to what extent. Determine which goals, relative to the negotiation, that you both have in common.
Define and talk about all issues or concerns. It can be a daunting task to try to deal with all issues at once, so list all issues, prioritize them, and approach them one by one.
Through discussion, you’ll both have a better understanding of one another. This will help you create a mutually acceptable agreement.
4. Work together towards an agreement.
It’s important to work as a team to create an agreement because all parties need to have ownership of it and the responsibility for it. This kind of collaboration results in an agreement that responds to both parties’ wants and needs.
Take some time to consider what you can do for your counterpart to help him secure what he’s negotiating for. This doesn’t mean acquiescing what you want. Chances are, however, that if you’re willing to help your counterpart get what he wants, he’ll be more likely to help you get what you want.
Above all, make sure that the agreement is:
- fair
- realistic
- doable
- clear
- understandable.
In addition, the agreement should:
- outline roles and responsibilities with enough detail that everyone understands their part and can take action
- have a timeline, if relevant.
While there are many other factors to establish an environment for effective negotiation, these four steps provide a solid foundation for good negotiation and conflict resolution.
Good social skills are key to getting along with others and help us to connect with the people around us. They’re not about conforming, but having a healthy respect for others.
There are many, many different elements to social skills and if you’re looking for an all-in-one, short-and-sweet, how-to lesson on social skills, you’re going to be disappointed. There’s no magic formula for good social skills, no Social Skills Potion #6.
Social skills encompass a wide variety of verbal and non-verbal communication skills. Fortunately, social skills can be learned and, with practice, you’ll reap the benefits in your career and personal life.
Here are three basic tips of non-verbal social skills for improving social interactions.
Smile
First thing’s first: smile. Smiling is a great way to make people comfortable around you and make you appear approachable. Try it when you enter a room, meeting, or social event and see how it automatically creates a friendly rapport.
It’s not like you should paste a phony grin or a forced smile on your face – we can all see through that. Just a simple, sincere, greeting smile that is welcoming and appealing. If you’re not a “smiler” just be aware of your facial expression.
Make Eye Contact
In Western culture, making eye contact shows an interest in someone and what they’re saying while avoiding eye contact can show disinterest or boredom.
Eye contact should be friendly, attentive and relaxed. It doesn’t mean staring intensely into someone’s eyes – this can be uncomfortable for the other person.
If looking into someone’s eyes makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to look directly into them. Try looking in that general area – at their eyebrows or the bridge of their nose. At the very least, look at their face as opposed to your shoes.
Listen
This is probably one of the least developed social skills. Listening is different from hearing. Listening is making sense of and understanding what is being said; hearing is a physical ability. We tend to be good “hearers” but not always good listeners.
Listening goes beyond using your ears – that’s just the beginning. Listening involves your entire face and even your body.
Your facial expressions let the speaker know that you’re listening and whether or not you’re following and understanding what he is saying. Focus on the person who is speaking by maintaining eye contact, nodding your head, using verbal cues such as “uh-huh” and “I see,” and standing or sitting still to reduce distractions.
Also, don’t interrupt. We tend to want to be the speaker and say what’s on our mind. You’ll have your turn to talk when the speaker is finished. Speakers need listeners and vice-a-versa.
Notice that these three social skills tips don’t include talking. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk at all, far from it. They’ve just isolated these to emphasize their overall importance for good social skills.
Being aware of non-verbal skills is part of good social skills. If your goal is to have better interactions with others, simply keep these in mind.
The random acts of kindness movement has arrived into our lives through Kindness Days, Kindness Clubs, bumper stickers and, believe it or not, “how-to” kindness manuals. It has become a rather fashionable and trendy right-thing-to-do. Random acts of kindness (a play on the words “random acts of violence”) can be planned or unplanned, but for a kind act to be called a “random,” it has to be done anonymously.
Random or not, anonymous or not, the world is a better place when kindness and compassion for one another flourishes. But what happened to the non-random, attach-a-name-to kindness that we call courtesy? What happened to treating everyone we meet with respect and consideration? This was the courtesy we learned about before we could spell our own names. “Be nice, play fair, and share.” It was part of our day-to-day way of living and it didn’t matter if it was given anonymously or not, or to strangers or friends, acquaintances or family. We don’t seem to see much of it anymore.
Let’s face it. At work, we’re most courteous to the people who we’re trying to get something from – like a stellar job review, a promotion, or a better computer. But courtesy should be extended to everyone - and by everyone I mean our staff, our assistant, the receptionist, the security guard, the cleaning staff – you get the picture. The initials behind our names and the corporate positions we hold do not exempt us from treating others well at all times.
Courtesy is the simple, thoughtful words and actions that take seconds to do and have lasting effects. It’s greeting the receptionist in the morning instead of walking by pretending you didn’t see her; saying “thank you” when someone from the mailroom drops off a package; acknowledging the person who set up the sandwiches in the conference room for your lunchtime meeting; or buying a second cup coffee and bringing it to your assistant. Next time you’re in the elevator with someone struggling to hold three armloads of files, instead of saying what you think is a witty comment like, “You certainly have your hands full!” say, “Can I give you a hand with that?”
Don’t get me wrong. Random acts of kindness are wonderful and can be fun at the same time. However, they are in addition to our daily courtesies. The side-effects of treating everyone with respect all the time helps to reduce stress and relieve tension that eat away at our companies’ productivity. Best of all, it creates an environment where Monday mornings aren’t that bad and goodwill is contagious.
Courtesy belongs in the workplace and should not left by the revolving doors of our office buildings from 9-5. We could launch a campaign to bring courtesy back into the workplace and we could give it a name, like The Courtesy Crusade, or designate a day to it or create bumper stickers. Instead of doing all that and spending our energy making courtesy an event, let’s just do it, everyday, quietly and simply.
This was my question to my peer when I was requesting feedback from her:
“I’ve attached the two ads that I spoke to you about when we met. If you have a moment, could you please take a look at both and give me your feedback?”
This was her response:
“I do not like either. The image looks very phony to me. But if I have to choose, I would choose the one with the special introductory offer.”
Obviously, I wasn’t clear regarding the kind of information I wanted from her; she gave me her opinion, not constructive feedback.
The purpose of constructive feedback is to provide timely, honest, useful comments and suggestions that contribute to a positive outcome, a better process or improved behaviours.
I realize now that when I’m asking for feedback, I have to ask specifically for the information I need for the purpose of improving. It’s my responsibility to guide them to provide me with the type of information that I seek to make the result better.
Ask Specific Questions, Get Specific Answers
I should have asked specific questions for feedback, such as:
- Is the ad eye-catching?
- Would it be seen in a sea of other ads and newspaper copy?
- What could be done to make it more noticeable?
- Is the wording effective?
- Do some sentences flow poorly?
- What could improve it?
- Is the ad an appropriate size to be seen easily in the newspaper?
- If not, what would be better?
Make Sure You Ask the Right Person
When considering what kind of feedback you want, let that lead you to the person who is best suited to respond. Avoid asking someone who lacks the expertise that precise area.
Understanding what it is that you want from the person giving the feedback helps them respond more effectively and provide you with the information you need to improve. Next time, I’ll ask the right questions to the right person.
Want to know more about improving your constructive feedback skills? Get your copy of the eBook Express Yourself to Success.
We often confuse feedback with criticism - probably because much of our experience with it has had more to do with what we’ve done wrong than what we’ve done right or how we could do better.
This is unfortunate. Feedback should not be viewed as a personal assault or a list of errors, mistakes, or mishaps.
While the content of the feedback can be negative, its delivery can always be constructive. If it’s not, the feedback will not be accepted or be received as an insult, which can ignite other issues and problems.
Constructive feedback is the most useful and beneficial to the receiver because it provides encouragement, support, corrective measures and direction.
Definition of Feedback
The definition of feedback in organizations and business is ongoing, open two-way communication between two or more parties. Typically, feedback is given in annual performance reviews, but the best feedback is timely, honest, and provides useful comments and suggestions that contribute to a positive outcome, a better process or improved behaviours.
When delivered in a positive, constructive way, you can say something negative without offending or putting the other person on the defensive. At the same time, you help solve the problem, change behaviour and work towards established goals.
Good constructive feedback is
- given with the goal of improvement
- timely
- honest
- respectful
- clear
- issue-specific
- objective
- supportive
- motivating
- action-oriented
- solution-oriented.
Destructive feedback is
- unhelpful
- accusatory
- personal
- judgmental
- subjective.
It also
- undermines the self-esteem of the receiver
- leaves the issue unresolved
- the receiver is unsure how to proceed.
Why is it Important to Give Feedback?
To improve. The importance of feedback in an organization is crucial to its ongoing development and growth. In the competitive environment that businesses operate constructive feedback is essential for continuous improvement.
Employers need to give effective, constructive feedbackregularly, which is what most employees want. What employees look for in feedback from employers includes positive reinforcement and acknowledgment for a job well done as well as ideas or instructions on doing their jobs better.
Learning how to give good feedback is a learned social skill and one that can be achieved through thought and planning.
Want to know more about improving your constructive feedback skills? Get your copy of the eBook Express Yourself to Success.
Strong positive relationships are essential to achieving our success - whether they be work relationships, family relationships or relationships with others in our communities. We’re in almost constant contact with others and we should make every contact an opportunity to strengthen our social skills and reinforce our relationships.
With that in mind, here are ten benefits for maintaining good long-term relationships:
1. Trust: Long-term relationships are based on trust. When we trust others, we are more relaxed, comfortable and willing to be ourselves without any pretenses or trying to maintain a facade of someone we’re not.
2. Acceptance: Once we experience trust with others, we can be honest about our weaknesses and shortcomings because we’re confident that we will be accepted for who we are, without judgment or criticism.
3. Support: Our lives go through many changes, some planned and some take us by surprise. In either case, they often take us out of our comfort zone and challenge us to grow and become more than we were before. Good, healthy relationships give us the support and encouragement we need to rise to new and different challenges.
4. A Kind Ear: Having someone who will listen non-judgmentally when you’re feeling down or frustrated and want to “vent” gives you the freedom to express yourself. Sometimes you just need to get something off your chest without feeling like you have to watch every word you say.
5. Understanding: When someone knows you well enough to understand where you’re “coming from” and instantly know the context in which you’re speaking, it’s easier to open up. Individuals in long-term relationships have a history of shared experiences that build a mutual understanding so they “get you” without a lot of explanation.
6. Someone to Call On When You Need a Hand: Everyone, from time to time, needs a hand from a friend, colleague, peer, or family member. This can be in the form of advice, a new job, or assistance with a particular project in which you need to call on another’s expertise.
7. Referrals and References: You can count on the people with whom you have a good relationship to give you a positive reference or referral - they’re more likely to be a good advocate for you and expound on your strengths and strong points.
8. Share and Celebrate: Celebrating with people who truly care about you and want celebrate with you when your life is going well, when you secured a promotion, or when bought your first house is a ton fun. Being acknowledged for your accomplishments is a rewarding experience and when you have good relationships, most want to be part of celebrating your success.
9. Reduced Stress: Sharing your life with friends and coworkers who you trust, who accept, understand and support you reduces stress because you have camaraderie and, therefore, less potential for interpersonal conflicts. Good relationships bring about the best in work teams and families by reducing the anxieties that cause stress and, at the same time, good relationships cultivate a sense of well-being and emotional security.
10. Happiness and Satisfaction: Having good relationships means there’s a mutual like for one another. Being around people you like and who like you create situations that are harmonious, supportive, and well, happy. You have an overall feeling of satisfaction in your life - be it at work, at home, or in your community.
Now, here are ten benefits others will receive from having a good relationship with you:
1. Trust
2. Acceptance
3. Support
4. A Kind Ear
5. Understanding
6. Someone to Call On When You Need a Hand
7. Referrals and References
8. Share and Celebrate
9. Reduce Stress
10. Happiness and Satisfaction
Did you notice that the list was exactly the same?
The strongest and best relationships are made when all parties give and receive. If you want these ten benefits for yourself, you have to give them to others.
Too often we look at relationships with a “what-do-I-get-out-of-this?” perspective. That’s not how good relationships work. It’s about give and take.
Think about what you want out of a relationship, then give it. You’ll be surprised at how much better your relationships become!
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