Here’s a link to a terrific article, written by Jonathan Rauch, that was published in The Atlantic (www.theatlantic.com).

It’s a must read for extroverts and introverts alike.

Really.

If there’s one thing you read today, read this:

Caring for Your Introvert by Jonathan Rauch.

Everyone likes being appreciated - I know I do and I suspect most other people do also.

We were taught - or “trained” - at a very young age to say “thank you” at the same time we were taught to say “please.” I still hear parents today asking their kids the same question my parents asked me: “What do you say?” Everybody now: “Thaaank you.”

While we may not notice the times when we don’t say “thank you,” the person who deserves the acknowledgement does. In fact, if we neglect to say “thank you” often enough there’s a strong likelihood that he’ll refuse to do anything for us in the future. And really, why should he? If his efforts aren’t appreciated, acknowledged or noticed, why should he bother?

The bottom line is that when we express our appreciation and gratitude, it’s more likely that others will do, and continue to do, helpful or thoughtful things for us. The less appreciation and gratitude we show, the less others are willing to do.

The same goes for us: why would we spend our time and effort doing something for someone who can’t be bothered to acknowledge it?

What Do You Say?
There are times when a plain “thank you” just isn’t enough; it doesn’t adequately correspond to what was received, be it in value, effort, or thought.

Here are three steps on how to express a really good “thank you.”

1. Consciously say “thank you.”
Sounds obvious, but how many times have we been so busy that we simply didn’t think of saying “thank you”? Or the number of times we’ve said a “knee-jerk thank you” without thinking about who we’re saying it to or for what reason?

To give a conscious thank you, pause for a mere second, look the other person in the eye and then say “thank you.” Also, if you know her name, say it.

Saying “Thank you, Maria” is more personal and meaningful than the off-the-cuff autoresponse “thanks” while not looking up from whatever it is you’re doing at the time.

2. State why you’re thanking her.
Stating why you’re saying “thank you” acknowledges and recognizes whatever is being offered.

For example, your employee or colleague stayed late at the office to complete a report you need for a particular project. Saying “Hey, thanks!” and giving a quick wave as you pass by her office doesn’t represent the amount of effort and time it took for her to stay in the office until 10pm getting the work done for you. In fact, such a casual and unthoughtful “thanks” can be considered insulting and patronizing.

A better way to express your gratitude to Maria would be to first give her a conscious “thank you” followed by the reason why you’re thanking her: “Thank you, Maria, for working late last night to finish off this report.”

This way, Maria knows that you’ve recognized her effort to produce the report for you - and this is particularly important if you’re her boss. Your staff and employees need to know that you noticed the “extra mile” they went through to get the job done. Acknowledge that and you’ll make a positive difference in their work satisfaction level.

3. State the result her action.
“Thank you, Maria, for working late last night to finish off this report. It’ll help me move forward and get this project completed on time.”

This simple addition to your “thank you” describes the effect of her contribution and confirms that her effort was worthwhile. It helps to give her an understanding of her role in the bigger picture of her department or organization and that her contributions really do matter.

Saying a conscious and thoughtful “thank you” shows that we understand the efforts others make for us. In addition, it shows respect and appreciation for them and their contribution.

Taking the time to communicate our gratitude by saying “thank you” is key to building strong, long-lasting interpersonal relationships.

Just the thought of small talk congers up painful memories of stilted conversations that revolved around the weather and umpteen other dreadfully boring topics.

While small talk is engaging in non-personal conversation that is casual, light and “safe” – meaning that the topics are of general interest and are not offensive – it doesn’t have to set off rounds of yawn-tag and constant clock watching.

Fortunately, the key to making good small talk is simple: be interested in other people.

Having a sincere interest in another is the best starting point when first engaging in conversation - it’s also the basis on which to build and maintain good relationships.

We create better first impressions, increase our chances of being remembered, and make friends quicker when we’re focusing our attention on others rather than trying to get them to focus on us.

Being interested in someone else involves asking them questions about themselves and actively listening to their answers.

Be a “big-listener” not a “small-talker.”
Generally, we all have visions of impressing others with our insights, philosophies, and sharp wit. We want to be the centre of attention by being the one answering questions, not the one asking them.

The good “small-talker” knows, however, that her role is to be the listener not the talker.

So - how do you implement this one-easy-step-to-making-small-talk? Well…

Ask Questions
Begin small talk by asking the other person questions about himself – his opinions, work or activities. Keep your questions open-ended, as opposed to “yes/no” questions, listen to his responses and build the conversation on those.

Asking open-ended questions creates a dialogue and helps you get to know the other person. Also, if you begin the conversation in a way that’s relevant to the situation in which you’re meeting, you’ll have a common starting point.

For example, if you first meet someone at business luncheon, you could ask:

“Have you been to one of these events before?”

If he says “yes,” then ask questions like: “When?” “Was there a guest speaker?” “What was the topic?”

If he says “no,” ask questions such as: “How did you hear about this one?” “What do you think about the guest speaker?”

Listen to his responses and build the conversation by balancing your questions with brief comments.

Topics for Discussion
Keep up on popular current events, local news, or sports and use them for conversation starters: “What do you think about…?” or “What are your thoughts on…?”

Additional topics for discussion can include the profession or recreational interests of the person your speaking with. Ask questions, listen to their answers and build a conversation around them. If you have tidbits of information or a story that’s related to the topic, contribute it to the discussion, but keep your focus on the other person.

A Compliment as an Ice Breaker
Another approach to small talk is to compliment the other person. Notice the person you’d like to speak with and find something you like. It can be as simple as saying, “What a beautiful watch. You have such good taste.”

Then you could follow it up with questions regarding how they got it, such as, “Where is it from?” Perhaps it was from the local art gallery gift shop, you could then ask,”Oh – what exhibit did you see?” “What did you think of it?”

By giving a compliment, you’re showing that you’re friendly and approachable and it creates an instant rapport. The reaction you’ll receive is usually one that’s very positive and appreciative.

Joking Around
Have a few good jokes up your sleeve. “Good” jokes are those that are humourous and without offensive content. Stay away from the “three professionals, religious leaders or politicians walked into a bar” jokes – they’re probably derogatory and insulting.

There are lots of good, clean jokes that can easily be found on the internet and you only need to know two or three.

Don’ts
As a general rule of thumb, stay away from gossip, criticism, sarcasm and negative comments. You don’t want to offend someone accidentally - or on purpose, for that matter - by off-the-cuff thoughtless remarks.

But Always…
Be interested in others: ask questions and be a good listener.