Bad listening is an art. Fortunately, it’s a talent that’s easy to master. It takes little effort and if you’re really good at it, you’ll be able to quickly tune out the speaker or, better yet, get him to stop talking so that you can start. Here are five key ways to be an exemplary bad listener.

1. Look away.
Avoid eye contact with the speaker. Just don’t look at him. Look around him: over his head, out the window, at the floor, at the ceiling, at your nails or your shoes. At anything but him. If you do this well enough, the speaker will stop and look wherever you’re looking. This gives you the opportunity to cut in, change the topic and discuss something much more interesting – yourself.

2. Interrupt.
This is a perfect way to show someone that not only are you not listening, but also that whatever she’s saying is no where near as important as what you’ve got to say. It doesn’t matter when you cut in, although it’s best to do it early in the conversation so that you don’t waste time on her story or opinion. It’s important to do this several times during a conversation so that she’ll catch on that you’re not interested in what she’s talking about.

3. Fiddle.
Fiddling is distracting and, hopefully, will annoy the speaker enough that he’ll stop talking. The best kind of fiddling implement is one that makes noise. Like a pen that retracts with a clicker at the end. Or try tapping on the table with something - a spoon, a sugar packet, or a tube of lip balm. They all work really well and are usually close at hand.

4. Repeatedly shift your body.
If you’ve forgotten your clicker pen and you can’t find something suitable to fiddle with, don’t worry – use your body. Shift in your chair, cross your legs then uncross them; repeat this a few times. Use body language such as resting your chin in your hand then tilt your head and put the side of your face in your hand. Do some neck rolls. Sighing is good also. You can miss a lot of the conversation by doing this, time will pass a bit quicker and you’ll soon be talking about yourself again.

5. Take the topic and run with it.
Say, for example, you’re having a drink with a colleague after work and he’s telling you that he had a really horrible day. He’s talking about how he and his boss got into this really heated argument and how upset he is over it. Now is perfect timing for you to cut in and tell him all about the big fight you had with your boss three years ago. This way, you don’t have to hear him vent nor be empathetic and you get to retell a great tale. Niiiice.

Keep these tips in mind and you’re well on your way to being a bad listener. Use them individually or combine them for extra impact and efficiency. Once you’ve mastered them, you’ll have to find someone who you can talk to. After all, not everyone is a good listener.

There are many different social skills and the impact they have on other people varies. Acting on two or three “easy” skills isn’t enough. The best results are achieved when several skills are used in combination with one another. The expression “the total is greater than the sum of its parts” resonates loudly with respect to social skills. When individuals combine various skills such as listening, making small talk, giving compliments, maintaining eye contact, greeting others warmly, and many others, they will experience more social success in many different situations.

Strong social skills include (among others):

• active listening
• knowing how to greet others
• conversing and making small talk
• building a friendly rapport
• complimenting others
• offering praise and encouragement
• showing support and understanding
• acknowledging others
• saying ‘thank you’

Techniques and methods are available to develop all social skills. Knowing what to say and how to act are basic skills that anyone can learn. Here are five tips for improving social skills:

1. Start with the skills that feel the most comfortable to you.
There is such a wide variety of social skills to learn that you can begin with the skills with which you feel the most comfortable.

It can be as simple as constructing a meaningful “thank-you,” a compliment or using a technique to remember names. Practicing these skills in situations where a comfort level already exists builds confidence and, as more skills are added, begins to establish good interpersonal relationships.

2. Work on your social skills before you’re in a situation where you really need them.
When you’re using skills such as giving quality feedback or negotiating, it’s better to have established a rapport, whenever possible, with the individuals involved prior to beginning these discussions. These kinds of situations have the potential to be difficult and intimidating, so having positive interactions before these situations come up will make them much easier to approach.

Constant maintenance of good relationships builds a strong foundation so there’s a better chance of weathering challenging times. These interactions can be very simple - from greeting colleagues in the elevator to acknowledging others on the workshop floor to making small talk at staff meetings. Over time, these small interactions make a big difference in your relationships and ongoing success.

3. Make a point of interacting with others in familiar situations.
When you’ve learned some techniques, start practicing your new social skills in your daily life. This could be at a work meeting where you speak to someone you haven’t talked to before or to someone with whom you’ve never had any significant conversation. You could be at your vet’s office talking to another pet owner about their pet or picking up your child from daycare and beginning a conversation with another parent.

These situations are based on common ground so a topic for discussion already exists and you’re not trying to establish one. As well, you’ll meet up with most of these people again - at work, in another meeting, the next day at daycare - so you can start to establish a friendly rapport with them.

4. Attend Events, Accept Invitations and Join Clubs or Associations
Once you have learned a few social skills techniques, challenge yourself by attending events or social gatherings to try out your new skills.

It’s probably easier and less stressful for the beginner to go to an event where there is a main attraction - such as a keynote speaker, panel discussion or performance - so that the pressure to interact is lessened, but the opportunity to meet people and to interact is still there. If the occasion focuses solely on the interaction between guests, such as a dinner party, it may put more pressure on the beginner to be “on” for the entire evening.

Alternatively, if you’re already comfortable in the company of others, a dinner party would be ideal to practice your social skills and reunite with friends and acquaintances, make new friends, have good conversations and simply have a good time with everyone else.

Membership in clubs and associations brings together individuals who share common interests and is a basis for mutually satisfying conversation and ongoing interaction. Implementing social skills in these situations is easier than having to discover areas of interest or expertise from scratch - although this is easy to do when you have the skills.

When working on your skills, it’s very important to put yourself in situations where you can act on them - even if it makes you uncomfortable. Keep the techniques in mind, knowing that with practice the skills become easier and easier to use.

5. Practice
The more frequently you interact with others and put yourself in situations where you’re meeting, working or getting to know someone, the more your skills will develop and the easier they become. Continual practice as you go about your daily activities is never time wasted - you’re building and strengthening your interpersonal relationships as you improve your skills.

Social skills are, and will always be, an important part of ongoing, daily interactions. They’re not something learned one day and forgotten the next. They require a continuous, conscious awareness of the various skills. Fortunately, it doesn’t take a long time nor a lot of effort to develop good social skills; the rewards are certainly worth it.

Many people misunderstand what social skills are - and what they’re not. Here’s a quick look at a four common myths.

Myth #1:
People who like talking are interesting and have good social skills.

False.

Verbosity isn’t a social skill. In fact, it can damage one’s social popularity and result in avoidance by others. Such over-talkative individuals may be seen as:

• self-centered: most of their monologue is about themselves, their opinions, their activities, etc.
• rude: they monopolize the conversation without letting others contribute or participate
• selfish: their incessant talk shows little respect for the listener’s time and interests
• boring: loquacious individuals tend to include too much trivial information that is irrelevant and uninteresting to the listener.

The number of words spoken does not necessarily reflect good-quality conversation nor an ability to effectively interact with others. People are interesting when they have something worthwhile to say and are able to engage in a discussion. Good social skills include the ability to carry on a conversation without dominating it and to encourage others to participate.

Myth #2:
Introverts are socially unskilled individuals.

False.

The elements of good social skills are the same for everyone. Both introverts and extroverts alike can have superb social skills or, alternatively, very poor social skills. Skills such as listening, conversing, remembering names, showing common courtesies, and giving good feedback require attentiveness from anyone who displays good social skills, regardless of whether they’re an introvert or an extrovert. A lack of such attentiveness shows a general lack of social skills.

Introverts who have refined their interpersonal skills have techniques to follow when in social situations, and those who continue to improve their professional and personal relationships are highly socially skilled.

Myth #3:
A good education and hard work are all anyone needs to succeed in a career and in life. Good social skills aren’t important.

False.

A solid education and work or personal experience are undoubtedly key factors that contribute to success. Knowing how to perform a job function, managing the tactics of a plan or having technical knowledge of machinery or equipment qualifies the individual for the position.

However, as the individual progresses in her career and life, the manner in which she interacts with others - and the quality of that interaction - plays an important role in determining the degree of success she attains. There are always others who have input and an impact on the ease or difficulty she will face when seeking career advancement and development.

Those with highly developed social skills understand the importance and value of their relationships. They realize that while having the appropriate education or experience is essential, social skills are paramount when seeking ongoing career opportunities.

Myth #4:
People with poor social skills are aloof, uncaring and indifferent.

False.

Individuals who have poor social skills may, in fact, caring and interested. It’s unfortunate that their lack of social skills results in them being misunderstood and negatively labelled. The misrepresentation that these individuals incur is caused by their inability to know what to say and how to act or behave in social situations. Often, they lack the necessary skills to effectively express themselves and communicate in ways that show support, encouragement and friendliness.

To be understood as the person they truly are, and to avoid being mistaken for someone they’re not, they need to acquire good social skills that allow others to recognize their positive attributes. These individuals simply need assistance and guidance to know what to do and how to interact effectively in social situations. There are many methods and techniques that can help individuals learn these simple skills and easily implement them in everyday life.

Social skills can be learned by anyone and most skills are easy to integrate into daily life. Sometimes all it takes is to be aware of an action, such as saying ‘thank you’ or remembering someone’s name. Other times it’s breaking a poor habit, like interrupting someone when they’re speaking. Then there are some social skills that involve learning new techniques, such as giving constructive feedback and making small talk.

Good social skills are key to establishing, maintaining and growing all relationships - at work, at home and in the community.

To learn more about social skills, download your free copy of Express Yourself to Success, What Everyone Needs to Know About Social Skills.