Saying ‘no’ is a social skill. Whether or not we decide to say ‘no’ isn’t a social skills issue – that’s our choice. How we say ‘no’ is a social skill. If, after being asked to host next week’s club meeting, we exclaim, “What? Are you crazy?? You’ve got to be kidding if you think I’m going to do that. No way!” we’re not showing good social skills. Saying ‘no’ in a way that declines a request respectfully is a positive social skill.

This is the second post of the three post series, Say No. To read Post I: What Happens When You Can’t Say No, click here.

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Saying ‘yes’ to what we want can mean saying ‘no’ to what we don’t want – which usually involves saying ‘no’ to other people. I’ve always found that to be really hard. Even though we sometimes want to say ‘no,’ we say ‘yes’ out of guilt or embarrassment; other times we feel awkward or nervous and saying ‘yes’ is the easiest way out…at least it seems to be so at the time.

Since I had a hard time saying ‘no,’ I researched a variety of recommendations on how to do it. Unfortunately, most didn’t feel right to me:

- stand tall, shake your head, and assertively say, “No.” … I wasn’t comfortable using that method; it seemed too blunt.

- don’t apologize when saying ‘no.’ … Makes sense because there’s nothing wrong with saying ‘no’ but I couldn’t do that either, sorry. I felt badly when I was saying ‘no’ so apologizing just made beginning the ‘no’ process easier for me.

- “Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you.” … This just prolonged the agony of saying ‘no.’ I wanted to decline and get it over with.

I had to figure out a ‘no’ that I could actually say; I wasn’t comfortable blurting out the two letter word. I had to communicate it in a way that ‘no’ was understood, but wasn’t so…no-ish.

Learning to say ‘no’ was a process. I had a ‘yes’ habit and couldn’t quit cold turkey. I needed to ease into ‘no’ and I knew that if I didn’t prepare for it in advance, I’d fall back into my knee-jerk ‘yes.’ So I thought of situations that had come up previously and considered ways I could have said ‘no’:

Q1: Can you take care of my cats for the next two weeks while I’m on vacation?
A1: Sorry, I’m not available to do that but I’m sure you’ll easily find someone else who can.

Q2: Can you arrange the after work get-together?
A2: Sorry, I’ve got a lot on my plate right now and need to focus on my work. I’ll have to pass.

Q3: Can you pick me up from XYZ place at 2pm?
A3: Sorry, I’ve got plans then and won’t be able to.

Q4: We’re having a BBQ on Saturday – care to join us?
A4: Thanks for the invitation; I would have loved to come but I’ve got a lot on the go right now and won’t be able to come by.

These were just ideas of how I could approach saying ‘no’…which was actually replacing the word ‘no’ with ‘sorry’. Hey, it was a start.

I also realized that there were times that I wanted to say ‘yes’ if the situation was just a bit different. For example, while I couldn’t help out this weekend, I could the next. I learned to stop and consider what was being asked of me so if I wanted to help out, I could without sacrificing my own activities:

Q1: Can you take care of my cats for the next two weeks while I’m on vacation?
A1: I’m happy to care for them for the first week but I can’t for the second.

Q2: Can you arrange the after work get-together?
Q2: I’ve got a lot on my plate right now and need to focus on my work. I’ll have to pass. I might be able to arrange the next one.

Q3: Can you pick me up from XYZ place at 2pm?
A3: I can’t make 2pm but if you can change your appointment for a later time, I can pick you up any time after 4pm.

I noticed that the times I said what I was able and willing to do, the ‘sorry’ naturally dropped away. In time, I didn’t feel the need to say ‘sorry’ at all, but I still didn’t use the actual word, ‘no.’

The first few times saying ‘no’ were pretty difficult but the reaction I received was no where near what I thought I was going to get…not that I really thought about how the other person was actually going to respond because I was too busy fretting over saying ‘no.’

One of first times I said ‘no,’ the conversation went something like:

requester: Can you take care of my cats for the next two weeks while I’m on vacation?
me: Sorry, I’m not available to do that but I’m sure you’ll easily find someone else who can.
requester: OK, no problem. I’ll keep asking around.

Huh?

That’s it?

No fits, wailing, cries of upset??

Didn’t you hear what I just said?!!

You mean you can ask someone else?

Maybe this ‘no’ thing isn’t so bad…

Each time I said ‘no’ it became easier. People were understanding and didn’t expect me to turn my life upside-down for them. They actually understood that I had other things to do and didn’t take offense. Best of all, there was no need to feel guilty saying ‘no.’ It was a wonderful revelation.

There was one thing that worried me though: that there would be situations where the receiver wouldn’t accept my ‘no.’ I’m going to write about that in the next post, The Rejected No.

Post I: What Happens When You Can’t Say No

Over the past few years, I’ve been working on saying no. No. No. No. … Nope. …. Nuh-uh. … No-can-do. Sounds like it should be easy, but it wasn’t for me. I was addicted to yes. In this three post mini-series, I’ve outlined my journey to ‘no.’ I’m hoping that this will help at least one other person stop saying ‘yes’ to what she doesn’t want and start saying ‘yes’ to what she does.

Yes. OK. Sure. No Problem. All Right. Why Not?
Yes, I was a “yes-er.” Time and time again I would do most anything someone asked me to – providing it was safe, legal and all. I’d take on extra projects, do favours, go out of my way, stay late, clean up, inconvenience myself – the list went on. The only times I said ‘no’ were when I really couldn’t do something…and then I felt guilty.

It probably won’t come as a surprise that the more I said ‘yes,’ the more I was asked. The more I was asked, the more stressed I was. The more stressed I was, the more unhappy I was. The more unhappy I was, the more unhappy I made those who cared about me.

I knew that it wasn’t the best way to lead my life but, at the time, I didn’t realize that I wasn’t leading, but following.

It all started to come to me one Friday evening as I sat at home dreading the next day when I was to help out on yet another project for someone and I wished I hadn’t agreed. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to help out a friend, I did, but I also had many other things that I wanted to do for myself that I wasn’t doing because I was spending my time doing things for other people.

I began to understand that there’s a personal cost when saying ‘yes,’ when what you really want to say is ‘no.’ For me, although I liked helping out others (and still do), the cost to me was having no time to do the things that I really wanted to do. Things that I enjoyed, that inspired me, that challenged me, that made me learn, or that I just simply liked to do. I didn’t have the time to do both – say ‘yes’ to others and say ‘yes’ to myself.

We all have a finite amount of time and when we’ve filled it up, there’s no more. We can’t add on an extra wing of time, extend an hour to 85 minutes or tack on an additional day here and there. When it’s gone, it’s gone. Because of this, for every ‘yes’ we say, we’re simultaneously saying ‘no’ to something else.

I started to realize a few things.

1. I was keeping myself from doing many of the things that I wanted to do because I was too busy doing the things that I didn’t want to do.
2. I was putting everyone else first and myself last.
3. I was becoming more of a martyr and less of a giver.
4. I was spending the time that I wasn’t doing something for someone else dreading the next commitment I made.
5. I was saying ‘yes’ to activities and projects that didn’t interest me, didn’t test my abilities, didn’t contribute to my knowledge base, didn’t make me feel satisfied, fulfilled or gave me a sense of accomplishment. And sometimes, they were plain boring.

Then something else hit me…and it was big…

I kept saying ‘yes’ because it made me feel needed.

It was as if I thought they couldn’t do their project without me. That I had to be involved because no one else would do it or possibly could do it as well as I could. It was up to me to help out because then it would get done. I would be the best friend ever, the best employee in the department, the best whatever.

Sheesh. It was nonsense.

What was worse though, was that I was also making some people dependant on me. I was doing so much that they couldn’t do it – or didn’t want to do it - on their own. Who was I to encourage someone to depend on me? In my defense, nothing I was doing was seriously life changing stuff, but when I thought about it, it was like a mini control thing – and that just isn’t cool.

What I had to learn was to say ‘no’ to myself saying ‘yes.’

“No, you can’t say ‘yes’ to everything anymore.”

Next post
Part II: The Making of No

Have you ever gone to a dinner party, BBQ, or a networking event where you didn’t really know anyone? Have you been the “new guy” at work and you went with the rest of your department to the surprise birthday party for someone you hadn’t even met yet? Sure, you kind of know some of the people there and perhaps you know a couple of them pretty well, but they’re busy mixing with other people. Basically, the people you don’t know far outnumber the people you do.

You could stand there and look around the room pretending that you’re looking for someone “who was supposed to meet you there” when you’re actually trying not to look like you don’t know anyone. Or you could go up to the bar and get a drink so you’ll have something in your hands instead of wondering what to do with them. Or you could head for the washroom and hide for a while.

Let’s face it - you feel awkward and uncomfortable because you’re standing alone feeling that everyone is looking at you: the person who doesn’t know anyone. Wouldn’t it be a relief if someone came over to you, introduced himself then took you around and introduced you to other people? Wouldn’t it feel good if someone saw you standing there and invited you into their conversation?

Good social skills don’t just include being able to go up to a group of strangers and introduce yourself - they also include being aware of those around you and recognizing that others may need a hand meeting people.

This is particularly important when someone is entering an already established group for the first time – like a club or a group that meets regularly. The newcomer probably doesn’t know the protocol, where to register, sit, or what. If you’re already a member, it should be easy for you to greet her, introduce her to others and give her some information on the meeting, agenda, format – or just welcome her and get to know her.

One of the benefits to you for taking the initiative to include the new person is that by doing so, you’re making a great first impression. In her view, you’re the one person who, out of all those other people, did something for her without having been asked. It was you who took the time and made the effort to make her feel welcome and included. Just doing this simple action demonstrates your confidence, friendliness, and really good social skills.

Relieving someone from the uncomfortable position of standing by himself by involving him in the group is a very appreciated gesture and one not soon forgotten. This little known yet valuable social skills will make you stand out from the crowd.

There are many people who want better relationships, more friends, and meaningful interactions with others. Often, they recognize that part of their problem is that their own communication and social skills aren’t very good.

It’s true that if you lack various social skills then you’re most likely part of your problem. But let’s look at this deficit from a different perspective: is it really all your fault?

Does everyone around you have stellar social skills?

Nope.

Now, I’m not trying to discourage you from taking responsibility for yourself, it’s just that I’ve been in many situations where people who have poor social skills don’t know it. They think that just because they’re talking at length about something they find profoundly interesting that they’re great conversationalists. They think that because they went out every night this week that they’re super popular and that the party just wouldn’t have been the same without them. OK, OK - granted, there are some people out there who have a genuine skill of making the most mundane topic interesting and they do have such charisma that they added to the success of a party. But, hey – those folks are few and far between.

What is unfortunate is that the people who want better skills blame themselves for the situation without taking a good look at what the people they’re interacting with are doing. There are times when it’s the people around you who are the ones without good social skills. They don’t know (or sometimes don’t care) how to react to you and probably aren’t even aware that the poor social interaction is partly their doing.

You can tell if someone else is the culprit when you ask him questions and he doesn’t say anything but ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Or when you’re telling a story about something amusing that happened at the office and the other person looks at you with a “why do you think I care?” expression. Or when someone has asked you how your day is going but keeps walking by, not waiting for an answer. Or when you spent the last half hour listening attentively to someone who then doesn’t bother listening to you or lets their eyes wander all over the room when you speak. Or…

I remember this one time when I went out for dinner with a friend of mine, his friend Doug and Doug’s girlfriend Tina. Tina talked…and talked…and talked. During the course of the meal, my friend would jump in at various times and hijack the conversation – not because she paused but because he didn’t care if he interrupted - Doug made one comment and I hadn’t said a word (actually, I was too busy trying to eat as quickly as I could to escape Tina’s verbal flood). Then, without breaking her oral stride, Tina turned to me and said, “You don’t talk much, do you?” The only thing I could think of saying back was, “You don’t shut up much, do you?”

No, I didn’t say that out loud, but in hindsight I wish I had. In any case, it wouldn’t have mattered; Tina kept blathering on, but now about how other people are often so quiet. She didn’t make the connection.

Now there’s someone with poor social skills. But ask Tina about her skills and she’d tell you she’s a social queen. uhmmmm – no.

Much like Tina, I could go on and on with stories about others who have been underwhelming with their social skills but you probably get the point.

Next time you go out armed with your best social skills and the reception is far from dazzling, don’t berate yourself. Take responsibility for your skills and keep improving them but keep in mind that the problem could be that others need to be working on their social skills also.

Having good social skills will definitely help you make friends. Learning and practicing social skills are essential during the initial stages of meeting people and when building long-term friendships. Strong social skills will make you feel more comfortable in social situations by providing you with techniques such as how to make a good first impression, how to keep a conversation going, or how to provide good feedback. With these skills, you’re more likely to connect with new people, turn acquaintances into friends, and have positive interactions with colleagues and peers at work.

However, having good friendships requires more than having good social skills. This is where your personality, interests and values come into play. Having a bunch of social skills at your disposal won’t help you take your relationships to the next level if you’re…well…a generally unlikable person.

Sounds a bit harsh, I guess, but I think it’s true.

Once people get to know you and if you turn out to be someone who is selfish, thoughtless, inconsiderate, manipulative, judgmental, needy, a gossiper, complainer or is negative about almost everyone and everything, then there’s a good chance that not many people will want to be your friend.

Negative personality characteristics vary in intensity so it’s not like you have to be deep into everything in the above list to put off people. You just need a few to find yourself alone. If this is the case, all the social skills in the world won’t be of much assistance in maintaining long-term, mutually fulfilling relationships.

Social skills are a great way to start friendships and to maintain relationships as long as you have good personal characteristics to back them up. Good friendships are built on good social skills as well as quality traits including respect, integrity, honesty, trust, reliability and fairness.

So, if you believe that you’ve got good social skills but you still have poor relationships, take a closer look at who you are – or ask someone you trust, like a family member - and see if you can find some negative attributes that could be turning off others. Maybe you’ll find that if you work on those areas then the number of friends and the quality of friendships you have will increase.

One common suggestion that is recommended for improving social skills is to practice. Practice meeting other people, going to social events, joining clubs, taking classes or practice being with different people in various situations.

But practice what?

Practice being in a crowded room and standing by yourself in the corner?

Practice feeling awkward?

Practice being nervous around others?

Practice walking up to a group of people with absolutely no idea of what to say?

If that’s what I had to “practice” every time I went out, I doubt I’d be going anywhere anytime soon. Being told to practice without any ideas or techniques on what to do is like being handed a sheet of paper and a pen and told to write out a story without first learning how to spell.

Going out, being with a bunch of people, going to social events – these are the places to practice. Knowing how to interact while you’re there is what to practice.

This really hit me when I was having dinner with a friend a few weeks ago and she was talking about an upcoming conference she was planning on attending. She could already feel the butterflies flitting about her stomach at the thought of entering the conference hall, yet she desperately wanted to network and meet influential people in her industry.

She kept asking, “What should I say?” and “What should I do?” It wouldn’t have been much help to tell her to “go out and practice” her social skills at a few less significant events in the days between our dinner and the conference. Sure, it would have been another good step as part of the process, but certainly not the first and only one. Instead, we covered various techniques and did some role playing so she’d understand how easy it really is to interact with others – when you have an idea of what to do.

Most often, social skills were learned naturally and subtly while we were growing up and were basically unnoticed in our day-to-day lives. However, there are a lot of us who weren’t taught social skills, aside from saying “please,” “thank you” and remembering to keep our elbows off the table during dinner.

Social skills are just that – skills. Skills have to be learned somehow, be they writing skills, swimming skills, driving skills, language skills or {fill in the blank}. You name the skill and chances are that it’ll have to be learned.

Practice breaking away from your comfort zone and being with other people is the implementation step of learning good social skills. The first step is to find out what are the skills to practice so you’re more likely to be successful in social situations.

The thing with social skills is that just having a couple won’t make you succeed socially. It’s a collection of skills, ranging from being able to introduce yourself and knowing what to say after “hello,” to non-verbal communication to giving feedback and a whole bunch of other skills in between. We find ourselves in many different situations everyday that we need a combination of skills to make us socially well-rounded.

Will good social skills make you the most popular person at work or at school? Probably not, but they will help you make friends easier and be more comfortable in group settings. They’ll also help you build your self-confidence so that you’re more willing and less stressed to go out to be with and meet other people.

Over time and with practice, social skills become more natural. The length of time it takes to be socially proficient depends on you and how much you’re willing to think about what to do and how to act in social situations and how often you put yourself in places where you’re meeting people and building relationships.

But just going out and being around people doesn’t make you socially skilled. It means that you go out a lot. It means that you’re not at home by yourself. It means that you’ve gone to the company picnic every year. It doesn’t mean, necessarily, that you have the skills to interact well with those around you.

At the end of the day, if you’re establishing and building various types of relationships, contributing to them, maintaining and growing them, then you’ve got social skills. If you’re not and your relationships are non-existent to poor, you can learn social skills and get to the point where you’re not just with people, but have relationships with them. It may take a bit time, but it’s totally doable. Just don’t assume that if you know a couple social skills that you’ll take a flying leap to the top of the social ladder. Learn a range of skills, practice them, use them and you’ll be fine.