This is a great video and it’s only one minute long.

It reminds me of the challenges we face when working towards success. We can still be successful when our situation changes as long as we adapt to the new conditions, alter our plans, take different actions and keep moving forward. In this video, the characters’ situation changes and they can choose: either accept the situation and take action or stand still.

What’s your interpretation?

©iStockphoto.com/Claude Dagenais
Being able to make small talk is a very handy social skill. While there are no concrete rules for it, there are guidelines that provide some guidance to get the conversation started and keep it rolling. Here’s a list of seven top don’ts and do’s when making small talk.

1. Don’t: Be interested only in yourself
Don’t take this the wrong way but focusing on yourself, no matter how interesting you think you are, may not be of interest to another.

Do: The key to making good small talk is to be interested in others.

2. Don’t: Talk too much
Small talk is a conversation – a verbal exchange that’s light and casual.

Do: Create a conversation that you can both contribute to. Use small talk as the first step to getting to know another person.

3. Don’t: Say Nothing
Sounds contradictory to the above point, but it’s not. If you’re silent and don’t talk at all then you’re not participating and forcing the other person to carry the conversation load. They may well leave you and go find someone who would like to contribute to a good conversation.

Do: Take responsibility for the success of the conversation and create an appropriate balance between listening and talking.

4. Don’t: Neglect asking any questions
Not asking any questions quickly snuffs small talk.

Do: Ask questions that will help you uncover what you have in common with the other person. Balance out the conversation by asking questions, listening to the responses and adding your own relevant comments.

5. Don’t: Ask too many questions
Once again, this may seem contradictory to point #4 but it’s not. Asking too many questions may make the other person feel like she’s in an interrogation and cause her to be uncomfortable.

Do: Ask some questions and give her time to respond but let her reciprocate and ask you questions so she can get to know you too.

6. Don’t: Respond with one word answers
One word answers take the conversation no where fast and often result in an uncomfortable and awkward silence.

Do: Even if you’ve been asked a “yes/no” question, take a bit of time to elaborate. Include some additional information that is relevant to the question and keep the conversation going.

7. Don’t: Look bored.
Having a facial expression that reads “I’m bored” won’t help make the conversation interesting and instantly convert it to a fascinating one.

Do: If the conversation is boring, you’re partly responsible - make the effort to create an interesting conversation.

Do you have some tips to add? It would be great to hear what you do.

©iStockphoto.com/digitalskillet

It’s true. Telling jokes can help you become a better and more interesting speaker.

Really.

This is how it all began for me…

I’ve never been a natural at telling a joke; I was always one of those people who would unintentionally, yet ruthlessly, massacre it. I’d start off strong and by the third sentence I had already left out the critical part so I’d stop, back up, go again, mix up my words, stop, backtrack and by the time I arrived at the punch line, the joke had already died several times over, never to be resurrected.

It didn’t occur to me to work on my jokes – by “work on” I mean rehearse. It sounded stupid. Jokes are supposed to be spontaneous and uncontrived. Who practices their jokes??

Then I heard about stand up comics who would rehearse their routines. I didn’t realize they did that because their act would always appear so natural. Of course, it was natural because the comedian practiced. I finally made the connection that if I rehearsed my jokes then maybe I’d have more success in the telling and relieve everyone from their suffering as I verbally bumbled my way through.

So I chose one of my favourite jokes and practiced it…for three days.

Yep, you read it right – ONE joke, THREE days. Crazy, but true. That gives you an indication how inept I was.

I went over and over it until I could recite the joke from beginning to end without stumbling or backtracking and until it flowed. Once I had the joke content in my head, I was able to have some fun with it – I acted out the characters either vocally, physically, or both. Nothing dramatic or anything, but enough to bring it alive. I tried to tell it like a story, portraying the characters by making my voice either louder or softer, lower or higher, whatever gave the narrative some dimension. I also used facial expressions, body language and gestures for emphasis and depth.

I kept rehearsing and by the third day, I was ready. I joined my friends for after work drinks, told my joke in the correct sequence with my rehearsed vocal and physical expressions and, get this, they laughed! wooooo hoooooo! I couldn’t believe it! For the first time in my life, I actually told a joke that made people laugh. It was a small victory but, at the time, it felt big.

This positive reinforcement encouraged me to learn and practice a few more jokes. Over time and without realizing it, my newly developed skill of joke telling melded with my style of conversing. I began recounting daily scenarios in a way I’d tell a joke and they became stories. While most often there was no punch line, they were more interesting when I incorporated the “techniques” I was using when telling jokes.

While practicing jokes doesn’t seem like much, they gave me the skills to speak in a way that was more entertaining and interesting. I noticed that people listened better as I became more animated and dynamic. By the way, this doesn’t apply just to stories that were funny or happy either; it applies to sad or difficult stories too. These skills improved my overall ability to communicate.

I’d recommend giving this a try if you’d like to improve your speaking skills; it worked really well for me. Fortunately, I no longer have to practice jokes for three days but that initial effort had an unintentional yet significant positive impact on my “regular” speaking. It was a double win: not only did I finally learn how to tell a good joke, but also I learned how to keep people’s attention when I speak.

~~~~~

PS. If you have a few minutes this Saturday, please stop by again - I’m posting a very short video that I think is pretty amusing…I just have to find it again…I hope you’ll enjoy it too.

Have you watched this yet?

I discovered it only this morning and would like to share it with you. It’s a short film (about 5 minutes) by Alonso Alvarez Barreda.

For me, it showed how we can all make a difference in the lives of others by freely share our talents and abilities…if only we stop for a few minutes and give.

Let me know what you think…

©iStockphoto.com/Mustafa Ilker HELVACIOGLU

I had a surprise waiting for me in my inbox this morning - I received a thank you email from an acquaintance.

Here’s the story:

I’m part of a group of volunteers that comes together twice a year to do a job that we’ve done for some time. We know the drill and enjoy doing it. This year was a bit different: there was a new middle person who was coordinating our contribution. She wasn’t one of the leaders of the event, she was just responsible for our small group. When the event was finished, we wrapped up our respective assignments and went home, knowing we’d be back for a similar occasion in another few months.

As you can probably tell, it was the usual thing, nothing remarkable.

Several days had gone by and I’ve thought nothing more of it.

Then this morning, there was her email. It was only three lines long, yet it was well-written, sincere and professional.

It read:

“It took many volunteer hours to ensure the success of last Thursday’s event.

“Winston Churchill said it all when he said, “We make a living by what we
do, but we make a life by what we give.”

“I would like to thank all of you for “giving.”

Yours truly,
Anna”

Short, simple and gracious. I didn’t expect a thank you from Anna and, in fact, I wouldn’t have noticed that there was no acknowledgement from her. It wasn’t her “responsibility” and she simply didn’t “have” to do it. She did it anyway and this made it even more meaningful than if it was an obligatory ‘thank you.’ Her unexpected ‘thank you’ made her stand out.

It’s interesting how those three lines in an email changed my perception her. She’s no longer the blonde-lady-in-the-blue-suit. Now I see Anna differently:

• She’s not “just someone” I’ve seen at events – she’s Anna.
• I have a favourable opinion of her: I like her.
• I’ll make a point of reintroducing myself to her at the next event and get to know her better.
• If she’s looking for volunteers for another event, I’ll help out if I can.

Taking the initiative to show gratitude and acknowledge others even when it’s not expected, you

• stand out from the crowd and distinguish yourself from others
• appear friendly and approachable
• make a good impression
• are remembered

I don’t know if Anna was aiming to receive some direct benefit from saying ‘thank you.’ I would doubt it. Either way, she’s definitely in my “good book” for taking the time and effort to show appreciation when she didn’t have to.

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Three Steps to a Powerful Thank You

As mentioned in the previous post, saying ‘no’ is a social skill. While choosing to say ‘no’ isn’t a social skills issue but our choice, how we say ‘no’ and how we accept ‘no’ are social skills. Accepting ‘no’ respectfully and gracefully is a good social skill.

This is the final post of a three post series, Say No. To read Part I, What Happens When You Can’t Say ‘No’ click here. To read Part II, The Making of No click here.

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I’d been working on saying ‘no’ because I was spending more time saying ‘yes’ to things I didn’t want to do which resulted in having little time for the things I did want. Saying ‘no’ to others wasn’t easy, at least not for me.

Once I figured out how I could say ‘no’ in a way that suited my personality (see The Making of No), I was surprised at the responses – they were usually understanding and gracious. The most common ones I received were:

“That’s no problem. I’ll ask around.”
“That’s fine. I just thought I’d ask.”
“OK – but if you think of anyone who would be interested, please let me know.”

It was encouraging how most people reacted. I found it interesting that, generally, others can accept ‘no’ easier than I was able to say it.

However, I was concerned about how to handle any negative reaction - particularly after I received some responses that really bothered me. It happened on a few occasions when I declined an invitation to a social event, like a dinner party, and the other person didn’t accept it. They’d say,

“But it would be so great if you could come.” or
“I really want you to be there.” or
“Why can’t you come?”

Mulling over these responses, I realized that the first two were all about the host. She wanted me to come for her so that she could have a good time. It had little to do with me and what I wanted. Sometimes, and these times were few, I had other plans or I was exhausted from my week and didn’t have the energy to go. When I received that response, it made me feel that she didn’t care how I felt and it frustrated me.

My response would be to restate what I’d already said, “Thanks – it’s really thoughtful of you to invite me and I appreciate it, but I can’t make it. I hope we can get together again soon.” It may go back and forth for a bit, which can be trying, but it’s important to stick to ‘no’ in a kind and patient manner. It may take a bit more time than an outright ‘no,’ but to me, it’s worth it to maintain a good relationship.

The third response, “Why can’t you come?” was the one that I really disliked. It’s as if I had to defend my position. If I gave the reason, it’s likely that it would be judged to determine if it’s actually good or valid, but it’s not up to the other person determine if my reason was OK or not. We shouldn’t have to justify our reasons.

Depending on the situation and who I was speaking with, I would decide if I wanted to answer. If I didn’t, I’d leave out the specific reason and respond politely with something like,

“I’m just really busy right now and don’t want to get into the details, but I appreciate the invitation.” or
“I’d just need the evening to take it easy and spend with my family but I appreciate the invitation.”

At the time, I found responding to “Why can’t you come?” uncomfortable and stressful and I wanted to default back to ‘yes’ because it would end the conversation. However, I knew that I had to stick to ‘no’ or else I’d end up going to a party that I didn’t want to.

As a result, while I learned how to say ‘no’ I also learned how to accept it respectfully – no questions asked. I want to be a good friend, family member and colleague so when I ask someone for something, I keep the following in mind:

I want them to accept my request because they want to and not because they feel obligated.
I would like them to do what’s right for them.
I will support their decision.

As different situations come up with different types of people, I try to remember to be respectful and courteous because it makes saying ‘no’ easier.

This was how I learned to say ‘no.’ It took some time and effort but I can happily say that now I spend more time doing what I want to and less time doing what I don’t – and it feels good.

I’d like to know how you deal with saying or receiving ‘no’ and would appreciate if you’d share your experiences and suggestions. Thanks!