I read a story last week about Robert Ebert who attended the Toronto International Film Festival. He was at the screening of a film which contained subtitles but his view was blocked because of a man sitting in front of him. Ebert later wrote in his column in the Chicago Sun-Times,
“In my medical condition I cannot speak, I tapped him lightly on the shoulder, and gestured him to move over a little. He said, ‘Don’t touch me!’ and remained in position. I tapped him lightly again. ‘I said — don’t touch me!’ He leaned further into the aisle, as if making a point of it. I tapped him a third time, and he jumped up and whacked me on the knee with whatever it was.”*
How’s that for some bad interpersonal skills? I’m still shaking my head.
Good social skills are more than smiling and listening; they’re how we interact with and relate to others in various situations. When we use our social skills and make a habit of doing common courtesies, we’re aware of those around us. Most often, these skills and courtesies are ridiculously easy actions, take only a few seconds, and hardly inconvenience us, if at all. The thing is, though, they require us to actively think about and consider those around us instead of constantly focusing on what we want to have and do.
There are many different courtesies we can do everyday such as:
holding the door for someone trying to open it and push a baby stroller in at the same time
offering to give directions to someone when he’s staring at a map looking confused
offering our seat on the bus to a senior, pregnant woman, or someone who just looks like they need to sit down
when we’re driving, stopping to let someone make a left turn at a corner with no traffic lights
letting the person in line behind us at the grocery store go ahead of us because we see she has only two items and our cart is overflowing
If we’re in the habit of helping others as we go about our daily lives then the times when we’re asked for something we’d listen, pay attention to the situation and be willing to do what we can instead of considering the asker a nuisance or an inconvenience and overreacting.
For me, it comes down to what we are ‘inside’ and that should be consistent regardless of the situation. When we say someone’s a “good guy,” he’s a “good guy” - period. Not just a “good guy” to family, friends and people he wants to influence, but a “good guy” to everyone because that’s what he is - a “good guy.”
The little, thoughtful actions we can do everyday for others are so simple and can mean so much. We help others because that’s what we do. We don’t have to make a big deal out of it, it’s just the way it is. Period.
*If you want the whole story, go to CBC’s website at www.cbc.ca.
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Q: I find it really hard to remember names. When I’m introduced to someone, I hear their name and sometimes repeat it back like I’ve been taught, but two minutes later, I’ve already forgotten it or remember only part of it. Was it Julie, Julia, or Juliana? Then I feel badly asking their name again. Do you have any tips on remembering names?
A: Many politicians have a remarkable ability to remember names. Good business owners do also. Is this because they have better memories than the rest of us? Not likely. They know that remembering names positively impacts their relationships with voters or customers so they’ve trained themselves to remember.
It’s common to forget names and it happens for a variety of reasons such as:
you’re nervous when meeting others
your attention is divided because of various external distractions
you’re thinking about what you’re going to say next
you’re not paying attention
you’re not listening
you don’t care (ie. saying to yourself “I won’t see this person again so why bother?”)
Names can go in one ear and out the other in less than a minute and if you want to remember them, you’ve got to make a little effort.
If you forget someone’s name within a couple minutes, perhaps you need to mentally review the name several times every five, ten, or fifteen seconds after hearing it. Chances are better that names will stick in your mind if you repeat them a few times during the first minute than waiting to recall them later.
Here’s a step-by-step plan for remembering names:
Pay attention and focus when someone is saying her name or introducing you to someone else. (Note: You already know you have difficulty with names, so you should be aware that you need to pay extra attention on this initial step.)
If you didn’t hear her name or are unsure of what was said, ask her to repeat it. If it’s unusual, ask for the spelling.
Repeat the name out loud. Say something like, “It’s nice to meet you, Michelle.”
Try associating names of new acquaintances with famous names, like Marilyn Monroe, Tom Thumb, Queen Victoria or Roger Rabbit.
Visualize the spelling of the name while you’re looking at the person.
Repeat the name silently in your head every few seconds at first, then every few minutes until you’re sure you’ve got it.
Say the name two or three times in the conversation.
Within the next day or so, do a mental review of the new people you’ve met and recall their names.
Remembering names is a key social skill that adds a valuable “personal touch.” It’s also an essential first step when you’re building a relationship with someone - it would be a bit weird to have a relationship with someone whose name you can’t remember. Make the effort to pay attention and focus, listen to the introduction, and repeat the name mentally every few seconds. Do this and you’ll be amazed at how easy it is to remember names.
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A few weeks ago, I attended a weekend conference for a charitable organization where I’m a volunteer. Most of the agenda comprised of working sessions and participants were requested to sit at round tables, six per group. As I looked around the room prior to the sessions starting, I noticed that many people at the tables just sat there, waiting, with little or no interaction between one another yet when they were spoken to, they turned out to be quite friendly. What I found interesting was that while they welcomed a conversation, they didn’t seem to be able (or willing?) to start the conversation themselves.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, here are some suggestions that may help you get everyone at the table talking and bring them together.
Make an effort to begin a conversation. We tend to overlook the fact that making conversation, or small talk, takes work – it’s not difficult work, but conversations don’t “just happen” without someone to start them and, in some cases, keep them going. A deliberate effort is the first step.
Introduce yourself to everyone and then to anyone who comes to join the table. Feel free to say a relevant sentence or two about yourself, such as “Hi. My name is Tom Hadley. I’m the Director of Fundraising and am here on behalf of Kingsway Regional Office.”
Select the person sitting the farthest away from you to begin a conversation with. Often, we stick to individuals sitting right beside us but when we do this, the conversation is more likely to be restricted to include only you and the other person. When you speak to a person sitting across from you, it sets the tone for a group conversation and it’s easier to get the attention of the others and get them to participate.
Make eye contact with everyone at the table when you’re speak and continue to do this throughout the conversation. This acknowledgement lets them know that they’re part of the discussion and may encourage them to contribute to it.
It’s fine to ask a similar question to another person at the table, providing it’s general and relevant to them as well. For example, if your question was “How did you enjoy the Awards Ceremony last evening?” after the response, you could turn to another person at the table and ask, “What did you think of it? Did you have a good time?” Because the question is one that anyone at the table would have an opinion and could answer, it can easily become a conversation that involves the entire table.
There may be times when you find yourself at a table that is surrounded by very shy or quiet people…or people who don’t have the social skills to keep a conversation going. If this is the case, you may end up informally taking on the role of “table moderator.” While you don’t have to force a lively and loud conversation on others, low-key amicable chat in these situations is usually welcome.
Just one more thing: if there’s a pitcher of water on the table, offer to pour a glass for everyone else as you pour your own. It helps to break the ice and you can begin conversations while you’re handing someone their glass.
Starting a conversation in this type of situation builds rapport and is especially helpful if you’ll be working or brainstorming together.
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Nobody likes to think they’re boring, yet it’s easy to get wrapped up talking about things that you find interesting but that other people don’t find as exciting. When speaking, discretely check in with the other person or the group to make sure they’re not bored and want to get away as soon as it’s politely possible. Being aware of how others are responding by their interaction and body language is a really important social skill.
Here are five things to look for that can tell you if you’re boring the daylights out of someone:
The other person isn’t responsive. No, you haven’t bored them to death (yet) but they are no longer asking you questions nor giving you verbal or physical cues to continue speaking.
The conversation has become a monologue. What was an exchange of ideas is now just your going on and on and the other person has stopped contributing to the discussion.
You ask the other person a question (like “What do you think about what I’m saying?”) and they have no response other than “That’s nice.” They probably stopped listening to you fifteen minutes ago.
No one else has spoken for a very long time. Chances are that everyone is silent because you’re not. Conversations include other people and if no one else has said anything for a while, it’s time for you to take a break.
The other person looks tired. Listening takes effort and if you’re talking incessantly you’ll wear her out. Really – enough is enough.
Generally, when talking to someone else, make sure they share the same interest or, at least, make sure that they want to know more. Being able to create and contribute to an interesting conversation is a valuable social skill. It makes people like you and want to be with you. Boring them makes them want to leave.
Don’t mistake someone paying polite attention to you for having interest in what you’re saying. They’re likely just “being nice” and hoping someone calls their cellphone with an “emergency” so they can excuse themselves. Keep the conversation a dialogue and the discussion open so everyone can participate.
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