Conversation is Give and Take
by Laurie Wilhelm
I was at a dinner party last week with a bunch of friends, one of whom brought her husband, Ted. Although I’ve known her for years, I’d never had the opportunity to meet him. As is typical when friends get together, we have our habitual list of things we talk about and catch up on based on our long friendship together. For newcomers, however, these kinds of conversations can make them feel left out.
I happened to be sitting across from Ted so I, along with a friend beside me, wanted to bring Ted into the conversation so we switched gears and began asking him questions about himself. He responded wonderfully! He was energetic, animated, articulate, interesting – he was a very different person than he was before we started the conversation with him.
As the conversation evolved into related topics, like conversations do, and we were speaking, Ted became withdrawn again. Even though we were still involved in the areas in which he originally seemed interested, he pulled back. But when the conversation returned to him, his experiences and opinions, he brightened up and became very chatty.
It was interesting to observe his interaction with us. He was only interested in the conversation if he was talking about himself and when we contributed our experiences, he had a blank look on his face. My friend and I, in an attempt to be polite and welcoming, kept turning the conversation back over to him so he would feel included so for much of the time, we talked about him and kept asking questions to keep a conversation going. Although we were fine to forfeit the conversation for one evening, it would make for a rather boring ongoing interaction if we had to continually focus solely on one person.
While it’s a good interpersonal communication skill to be able to talk about yourself at social events, like Ted, it’s equally important to reciprocate and listen to others talk about themselves and their experiences, unlike Ted. A good conversation is a shared experience, some give and take, that creates a connection and contributes to satisfying relationships. It’s a balancing act but one that allows everyone to enjoy participating in the conversation and not have to take the brunt of being the speaker (to someone who won’t say a thing) or the listener (to someone who won’t stop talking).
Nonetheless, we were still happy to meet Ted and get to know him. He’s a nice enough guy; he loves his work and his hobbies. But because he really wasn’t interested in anyone but himself it was difficult to feel a connection to him. While he’s welcome at any of our get-togethers, it would be great if he would take some interest and get to know the rest of us too.
