Bad listening is an art. Fortunately, it’s a talent that’s easy to master. It takes little effort and if you’re really good at it, you’ll be able to quickly tune out the speaker or, better yet, get him to stop talking so that you can start. Here are five key ways to be an exemplary bad listener.

1. Look away.
Avoid eye contact with the speaker. Just don’t look at him. Look around him: over his head, out the window, at the floor, at the ceiling, at your nails or your shoes. At anything but him. If you do this well enough, the speaker will stop and look wherever you’re looking. This gives you the opportunity to cut in, change the topic and discuss something much more interesting – yourself.

2. Interrupt.
This is a perfect way to show someone that not only are you not listening, but also that whatever she’s saying is no where near as important as what you’ve got to say. It doesn’t matter when you cut in, although it’s best to do it early in the conversation so that you don’t waste time on her story or opinion. It’s important to do this several times during a conversation so that she’ll catch on that you’re not interested in what she’s talking about.

3. Fiddle.
Fiddling is distracting and, hopefully, will annoy the speaker enough that he’ll stop talking. The best kind of fiddling implement is one that makes noise. Like a pen that retracts with a clicker at the end. Or try tapping on the table with something - a spoon, a sugar packet, or a tube of lip balm. They all work really well and are usually close at hand.

4. Repeatedly shift your body.
If you’ve forgotten your clicker pen and you can’t find something suitable to fiddle with, don’t worry – use your body. Shift in your chair, cross your legs then uncross them; repeat this a few times. Use body language such as resting your chin in your hand then tilt your head and put the side of your face in your hand. Do some neck rolls. Sighing is good also. You can miss a lot of the conversation by doing this, time will pass a bit quicker and you’ll soon be talking about yourself again.

5. Take the topic and run with it.
Say, for example, you’re having a drink with a colleague after work and he’s telling you that he had a really horrible day. He’s talking about how he and his boss got into this really heated argument and how upset he is over it. Now is perfect timing for you to cut in and tell him all about the big fight you had with your boss three years ago. This way, you don’t have to hear him vent nor be empathetic and you get to retell a great tale. Niiiice.

Keep these tips in mind and you’re well on your way to being a bad listener. Use them individually or combine them for extra impact and efficiency. Once you’ve mastered them, you’ll have to find someone who you can talk to. After all, not everyone is a good listener.

To learn more about social skills, download your copy of the just-released Express Yourself to Success FREE white paper, What Everyone Needs to Know About Social Skills.

There are many different social skills and the impact they have on other people varies. Acting on two or three “easy” skills isn’t enough. The best results are achieved when several skills are used in combination with one another. The expression “the total is greater than the sum of its parts” resonates loudly with respect to social skills. When individuals combine various skills such as listening, making small talk, giving compliments, maintaining eye contact, greeting others warmly, and many others, they will experience more social success in many different situations.

Strong social skills include (among others):

• active listening
• knowing how to greet others
• conversing and making small talk
• building a friendly rapport
• complimenting others
• offering praise and encouragement
• showing support and understanding
• acknowledging others
• saying ‘thank you’

Techniques and methods are available to develop all social skills. Knowing what to say and how to act are basic skills that anyone can learn. Here are five tips for improving social skills:

1. Start with the skills that feel the most comfortable to you.
There is such a wide variety of social skills to learn that you can begin with the skills with which you feel the most comfortable.

It can be as simple as constructing a meaningful “thank-you,” a compliment or using a technique to remember names. Practicing these skills in situations where a comfort level already exists builds confidence and, as more skills are added, begins to establish good interpersonal relationships.

2. Work on your social skills before you’re in a situation where you really need them.
When you’re using skills such as giving quality feedback or negotiating, it’s better to have established a rapport, whenever possible, with the individuals involved prior to beginning these discussions. These kinds of situations have the potential to be difficult and intimidating, so having positive interactions before these situations come up will make them much easier to approach.

Constant maintenance of good relationships builds a strong foundation so there’s a better chance of weathering challenging times. These interactions can be very simple - from greeting colleagues in the elevator to acknowledging others on the workshop floor to making small talk at staff meetings. Over time, these small interactions make a big difference in your relationships and ongoing success.

3. Make a point of interacting with others in familiar situations.
When you’ve learned some techniques, start practicing your new social skills in your daily life. This could be at a work meeting where you speak to someone you haven’t talked to before or to someone with whom you’ve never had any significant conversation. You could be at your vet’s office talking to another pet owner about their pet or picking up your child from daycare and beginning a conversation with another parent.

These situations are based on common ground so a topic for discussion already exists and you’re not trying to establish one. As well, you’ll meet up with most of these people again - at work, in another meeting, the next day at daycare - so you can start to establish a friendly rapport with them.

4. Attend Events, Accept Invitations and Join Clubs or Associations
Once you have learned a few social skills techniques, challenge yourself by attending events or social gatherings to try out your new skills.

It’s probably easier and less stressful for the beginner to go to an event where there is a main attraction - such as a keynote speaker, panel discussion or performance - so that the pressure to interact is lessened, but the opportunity to meet people and to interact is still there. If the occasion focuses solely on the interaction between guests, such as a dinner party, it may put more pressure on the beginner to be “on” for the entire evening.

Alternatively, if you’re already comfortable in the company of others, a dinner party would be ideal to practice your social skills and reunite with friends and acquaintances, make new friends, have good conversations and simply have a good time with everyone else.

Membership in clubs and associations brings together individuals who share common interests and is a basis for mutually satisfying conversation and ongoing interaction. Implementing social skills in these situations is easier than having to discover areas of interest or expertise from scratch - although this is easy to do when you have the skills.

When working on your skills, it’s very important to put yourself in situations where you can act on them - even if it makes you uncomfortable. Keep the techniques in mind, knowing that with practice the skills become easier and easier to use.

5. Practice
The more frequently you interact with others and put yourself in situations where you’re meeting, working or getting to know someone, the more your skills will develop and the easier they become. Continual practice as you go about your daily activities is never time wasted - you’re building and strengthening your interpersonal relationships as you improve your skills.

Social skills are, and will always be, an important part of ongoing, daily interactions. They’re not something learned one day and forgotten the next. They require a continuous, conscious awareness of the various skills. Fortunately, it doesn’t take a long time nor a lot of effort to develop good social skills; the rewards are certainly worth it.

To learn more about social skills, download your copy of the just-released Express Yourself to Success FREE white paper, What Everyone Needs to Know About Social Skills.

Many people misunderstand what social skills are - and what they’re not. Here’s a quick look at a four common myths.

Myth #1:
People who like talking are interesting and have good social skills.

False.

Verbosity isn’t a social skill. In fact, it can damage one’s social popularity and result in avoidance by others. Such over-talkative individuals may be seen as:

• self-centered: most of their monologue is about themselves, their opinions, their activities, etc.
• rude: they monopolize the conversation without letting others contribute or participate
• selfish: their incessant talk shows little respect for the listener’s time and interests
• boring: loquacious individuals tend to include too much trivial information that is irrelevant and uninteresting to the listener.

The number of words spoken does not necessarily reflect good-quality conversation nor an ability to effectively interact with others. People are interesting when they have something worthwhile to say and are able to engage in a discussion. Good social skills include the ability to carry on a conversation without dominating it and to encourage others to participate.

Myth #2:
Introverts are socially unskilled individuals.

False.

The elements of good social skills are the same for everyone. Both introverts and extroverts alike can have superb social skills or, alternatively, very poor social skills. Skills such as listening, conversing, remembering names, showing common courtesies, and giving good feedback require attentiveness from anyone who displays good social skills, regardless of whether they’re an introvert or an extrovert. A lack of such attentiveness shows a general lack of social skills.

Introverts who have refined their interpersonal skills have techniques to follow when in social situations, and those who continue to improve their professional and personal relationships are highly socially skilled.

Myth #3:
A good education and hard work are all anyone needs to succeed in a career and in life. Good social skills aren’t important.

False.

A solid education and work or personal experience are undoubtedly key factors that contribute to success. Knowing how to perform a job function, managing the tactics of a plan or having technical knowledge of machinery or equipment qualifies the individual for the position.

However, as the individual progresses in her career and life, the manner in which she interacts with others - and the quality of that interaction - plays an important role in determining the degree of success she attains. There are always others who have input and an impact on the ease or difficulty she will face when seeking career advancement and development.

Those with highly developed social skills understand the importance and value of their relationships. They realize that while having the appropriate education or experience is essential, social skills are paramount when seeking ongoing career opportunities.

Myth #4:
People with poor social skills are aloof, uncaring and indifferent.

False.

Individuals who have poor social skills may, in fact, caring and interested. It’s unfortunate that their lack of social skills results in them being misunderstood and negatively labelled. The misrepresentation that these individuals incur is caused by their inability to know what to say and how to act or behave in social situations. Often, they lack the necessary skills to effectively express themselves and communicate in ways that show support, encouragement and friendliness.

To be understood as the person they truly are, and to avoid being mistaken for someone they’re not, they need to acquire good social skills that allow others to recognize their positive attributes. These individuals simply need assistance and guidance to know what to do and how to interact effectively in social situations. There are many methods and techniques that can help individuals learn these simple skills and easily implement them in everyday life.

Social skills can be learned by anyone and most skills are easy to integrate into daily life. Sometimes all it takes is to be aware of an action, such as saying ‘thank you’ or remembering someone’s name. Other times it’s breaking a poor habit, like interrupting someone when they’re speaking. Then there are some social skills that involve learning new techniques, such as giving constructive feedback and making small talk.

Good social skills are key to establishing, maintaining and growing all relationships - at work, at home and in the community.

To learn more about social skills, download your copy of the just-released Express Yourself to Success FREE white paper, What Everyone Needs to Know About Social Skills.

Here’s a link to a terrific article, written by Jonathan Rauch, that was published in The Atlantic (www.theatlantic.com).

It’s a must read for extroverts and introverts alike.

Really.

If there’s one thing you read today, read this:

Caring for Your Introvert by Jonathan Rauch.

Everyone likes being appreciated - I know I do and I suspect most other people do also.

We were taught - or “trained” - at a very young age to say “thank you” at the same time we were taught to say “please.” I still hear parents today asking their kids the same question my parents asked me: “What do you say?” Everybody now: “Thaaank you.”

While we may not notice the times when we don’t say “thank you,” the person who deserves the acknowledgement does. In fact, if we neglect to say “thank you” often enough there’s a strong likelihood that he’ll refuse to do anything for us in the future. And really, why should he? If his efforts aren’t appreciated, acknowledged or noticed, why should he bother?

The bottom line is that when we express our appreciation and gratitude, it’s more likely that others will do, and continue to do, helpful or thoughtful things for us. The less appreciation and gratitude we show, the less others are willing to do.

The same goes for us: why would we spend our time and effort doing something for someone who can’t be bothered to acknowledge it?

What Do You Say?
There are times when a plain “thank you” just isn’t enough; it doesn’t adequately correspond to what was received, be it in value, effort, or thought.

Here are three steps on how to express a really good “thank you.”

1. Consciously say “thank you.”
Sounds obvious, but how many times have we been so busy that we simply didn’t think of saying “thank you”? Or the number of times we’ve said a “knee-jerk thank you” without thinking about who we’re saying it to or for what reason?

To give a conscious thank you, pause for a mere second, look the other person in the eye and then say “thank you.” Also, if you know her name, say it.

Saying “Thank you, Maria” is more personal and meaningful than the off-the-cuff autoresponse “thanks” while not looking up from whatever it is you’re doing at the time.

2. State why you’re thanking her.
Stating why you’re saying “thank you” acknowledges and recognizes whatever is being offered.

For example, your employee or colleague stayed late at the office to complete a report you need for a particular project. Saying “Hey, thanks!” and giving a quick wave as you pass by her office doesn’t represent the amount of effort and time it took for her to stay in the office until 10pm getting the work done for you. In fact, such a casual and unthoughtful “thanks” can be considered insulting and patronizing.

A better way to express your gratitude to Maria would be to first give her a conscious “thank you” followed by the reason why you’re thanking her: “Thank you, Maria, for working late last night to finish off this report.”

This way, Maria knows that you’ve recognized her effort to produce the report for you - and this is particularly important if you’re her boss. Your staff and employees need to know that you noticed the “extra mile” they went through to get the job done. Acknowledge that and you’ll make a positive difference in their work satisfaction level.

3. State the result her action.
“Thank you, Maria, for working late last night to finish off this report. It’ll help me move forward and get this project completed on time.”

This simple addition to your “thank you” describes the effect of her contribution and confirms that her effort was worthwhile. It helps to give her an understanding of her role in the bigger picture of her department or organization and that her contributions really do matter.

Saying a conscious and thoughtful “thank you” shows that we understand the efforts others make for us. In addition, it shows respect and appreciation for them and their contribution.

Taking the time to communicate our gratitude by saying “thank you” is key to building strong, long-lasting interpersonal relationships.

Just the thought of small talk congers up painful memories of stilted conversations that revolved around the weather and umpteen other dreadfully boring topics.

While small talk is engaging in non-personal conversation that is casual, light and “safe” – meaning that the topics are of general interest and are not offensive – it doesn’t have to set off rounds of yawn-tag and constant clock watching.

Fortunately, the key to making good small talk is simple: be interested in other people.

Having a sincere interest in another is the best starting point when first engaging in conversation - it’s also the basis on which to build and maintain good relationships.

We create better first impressions, increase our chances of being remembered, and make friends quicker when we’re focusing our attention on others rather than trying to get them to focus on us.

Being interested in someone else involves asking them questions about themselves and actively listening to their answers.

Be a “big-listener” not a “small-talker.”
Generally, we all have visions of impressing others with our insights, philosophies, and sharp wit. We want to be the centre of attention by being the one answering questions, not the one asking them.

The good “small-talker” knows, however, that her role is to be the listener not the talker.

So - how do you implement this one-easy-step-to-making-small-talk? Well…

Ask Questions
Begin small talk by asking the other person questions about himself – his opinions, work or activities. Keep your questions open-ended, as opposed to “yes/no” questions, listen to his responses and build the conversation on those.

Asking open-ended questions creates a dialogue and helps you get to know the other person. Also, if you begin the conversation in a way that’s relevant to the situation in which you’re meeting, you’ll have a common starting point.

For example, if you first meet someone at business luncheon, you could ask:

“Have you been to one of these events before?”

If he says “yes,” then ask questions like: “When?” “Was there a guest speaker?” “What was the topic?”

If he says “no,” ask questions such as: “How did you hear about this one?” “What do you think about the guest speaker?”

Listen to his responses and build the conversation by balancing your questions with brief comments.

Topics for Discussion
Keep up on popular current events, local news, or sports and use them for conversation starters: “What do you think about…?” or “What are your thoughts on…?”

Additional topics for discussion can include the profession or recreational interests of the person your speaking with. Ask questions, listen to their answers and build a conversation around them. If you have tidbits of information or a story that’s related to the topic, contribute it to the discussion, but keep your focus on the other person.

A Compliment as an Ice Breaker
Another approach to small talk is to compliment the other person. Notice the person you’d like to speak with and find something you like. It can be as simple as saying, “What a beautiful watch. You have such good taste.”

Then you could follow it up with questions regarding how they got it, such as, “Where is it from?” Perhaps it was from the local art gallery gift shop, you could then ask,”Oh – what exhibit did you see?” “What did you think of it?”

By giving a compliment, you’re showing that you’re friendly and approachable and it creates an instant rapport. The reaction you’ll receive is usually one that’s very positive and appreciative.

Joking Around
Have a few good jokes up your sleeve. “Good” jokes are those that are humourous and without offensive content. Stay away from the “three professionals, religious leaders or politicians walked into a bar” jokes – they’re probably derogatory and insulting.

There are lots of good, clean jokes that can easily be found on the internet and you only need to know two or three.

Don’ts
As a general rule of thumb, stay away from gossip, criticism, sarcasm and negative comments. You don’t want to offend someone accidentally - or on purpose, for that matter - by off-the-cuff thoughtless remarks.

But Always…
Be interested in others: ask questions and be a good listener.

Giving feedback is one of the most important interpersonal skills for any manager.

The purpose of constructive feedback is to provide information that will make improvements and create better results. For feedback to be useful, it has to be actionable, otherwise it’s likely that the situation or behaviour will recur.

Whenever you’re giving feedback, keep in mind that you’ll probably have an ongoing relationship with this person, so use your feedback to reinforce good relations.

Let’s say that you’re giving constructive feedback to a member of your staff. Here are five steps to help you give good feedback:

1. Timing.

Make sure the time is right. The sooner the better, but if you’re upset about the situation – or your employee is – take a “time-out.” This is preferable than giving or receiving feedback when one of you is already in a bad mood.

2. Choose your words.

The way you say something can have a great impact on the receiver. Depending on your choice of words, you can establish an amicable feedback environment or a hostile one.

Saying, “You need to do…” or “You’re not doing this properly,” can put the receiver on the defensive from the get-go. Using the pronoun “you” makes the comments personal and can be interpreted as condescending or highly critical.

Instead, say “I noticed that…” or “I understand that…” Beginning feedback phrases this way discusses the action or behaviour that needs to be changed, not the person.

3. Start with the positive.

Positive feedback acknowledges good contributions and work well done. Give specific examples of what the receiver did well. Doing so is more meaningful than a general “Good job!” comment that can be said to anyone, any time, and doesn’t even have to be sincere.

Let the receiver know the positive impact their contribution had on the department or organization so they understand the results – this also lets them know that you see it and appreciate it. In addition, reinforcing the positive encourages more of the same.

4. Be descriptive and talk about the facts.

When giving constructive feedback, discuss what happened, not how you feel about what happened. Focus on the situation, describe it, and stay objective. Give a reason why it’s an issue and state the impact it had on the rest of the staff, the organization, or the customer.

When you stick with the facts, you can discuss them more easily. Being specific and clear assists the receiver in understanding the issue and what requires changes.

5. Collaborate to come up with ideas for improvement.

It’s not up to you to come up with all the solutions by yourself - although you can offer suggestions that you think would be helpful. Make a point of involving the recipient in this crucial part of the feedback process. This way, the recipient has some ownership and involvement in decision-making, which will result in a greater commitment to see that it’s implemented. Working together finds better ways of improving the situation and will likely create a solution that is acceptable to both of you.

Offering constructive feedback can seem like a daunting task. If it’s approached with the good intention of making improvements and creating better situations, rather than criticizing and judging, it is positive input with beneficial results.

Good social skills are key to getting along with others and help us to connect with the people around us. They’re not about conforming, but having a healthy respect for others.

There are many, many different elements to social skills and if you’re looking for an all-in-one, short-and-sweet, how-to lesson on social skills, you’re going to be disappointed. There’s no magic formula for good social skills, no Social Skills Potion #6.

Social skills encompass a wide variety of verbal and non-verbal communication skills. Fortunately, social skills can be learned and, with practice, you’ll reap the benefits in your career and personal life.

Building Social Skills

Here are three basic tips of non-verbal social skills for improving social interactions.

Smile
First thing’s first: smile. Smiling is a great way to make people comfortable around you and make you appear approachable. Try it when you enter a room, meeting, or social event and see how it automatically creates a friendly rapport.

It’s not like you should paste a phony grin or a forced smile on your face – we can all see through that. Just a simple, sincere, greeting smile that is welcoming and appealing. If you’re not a “smiler” just be aware of your facial expression.

Make Eye Contact
In Western culture, making eye contact shows an interest in someone and what they’re saying while avoiding eye contact can show disinterest or boredom.

Eye contact should be friendly, attentive and relaxed. It doesn’t mean staring intensely into someone’s eyes – this can be uncomfortable for the other person.

If looking into someone’s eyes makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to look directly into them. Try looking in that general area – at their eyebrows or the bridge of their nose. At the very least, look at their face as opposed to your shoes.

Listen
This is probably one of the least developed social skills. Listening is different from hearing. Listening is making sense of and understanding what is being said; hearing is a physical ability. We tend to be good “hearers” but not always good listeners.

Listening goes beyond using your ears – that’s just the beginning. Listening involves your entire face and even your body.

Your facial expressions let the speaker know that you’re listening and whether or not you’re following and understanding what he is saying. Focus on the person who is speaking by maintaining eye contact, nodding your head, using verbal cues such as “uh-huh” and “I see,” and standing or sitting still to reduce distractions.

Also, don’t interrupt. We tend to want to be the speaker and say what’s on our mind. You’ll have your turn to talk when the speaker is finished. Speakers need listeners and vice-a-versa.

Notice that these three social skills tips don’t include talking. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk at all, far from it. They’ve just isolated these to emphasize their overall importance for good social skills.

Being aware of non-verbal skills is part of good social skills. If your goal is to have better interactions with others, simply keep these in mind.

The random acts of kindness movement has arrived into our lives through Kindness Days, Kindness Clubs, bumper stickers and, believe it or not, “how-to” kindness manuals. It has become a rather fashionable and trendy right-thing-to-do. Random acts of kindness (a play on the words “random acts of violence”) can be planned or unplanned, but for a kind act to be called a “random,” it has to be done anonymously.

Random or not, anonymous or not, the world is a better place when kindness and compassion for one another flourishes. But what happened to the non-random, attach-a-name-to kindness that we call courtesy? What happened to treating everyone we meet with respect and consideration? This was the courtesy we learned about before we could spell our own names. “Be nice, play fair, and share.” It was part of our day-to-day way of living and it didn’t matter if it was given anonymously or not, or to strangers or friends, acquaintances or family. We don’t seem to see much of it anymore.

Let’s face it. At work, we’re most courteous to the people who we’re trying to get something from – like a stellar job review, a promotion, or a better computer. But courtesy should be extended to everyone - and by everyone I mean our staff, our assistant, the receptionist, the security guard, the cleaning staff – you get the picture. The initials behind our names and the corporate positions we hold do not exempt us from treating others well at all times.

Courtesy is the simple, thoughtful words and actions that take seconds to do and have lasting effects. It’s greeting the receptionist in the morning instead of walking by pretending you didn’t see her; saying “thank you” when someone from the mailroom drops off a package; acknowledging the person who set up the sandwiches in the conference room for your lunchtime meeting; or buying a second cup coffee and bringing it to your assistant. Next time you’re in the elevator with someone struggling to hold three armloads of files, instead of saying what you think is a witty comment like, “You certainly have your hands full!” say, “Can I give you a hand with that?”

Don’t get me wrong. Random acts of kindness are wonderful and can be fun at the same time. However, they are in addition to our daily courtesies. The side-effects of treating everyone with respect all the time helps to reduce stress and relieve tension that eat away at our companies’ productivity. Best of all, it creates an environment where Monday mornings aren’t that bad and goodwill is contagious.

Courtesy belongs in the workplace and should not left by the revolving doors of our office buildings from 9-5. We could launch a campaign to bring courtesy back into the workplace and we could give it a name, like The Courtesy Crusade, or designate a day to it or create bumper stickers. Instead of doing all that and spending our energy making courtesy an event, let’s just do it, everyday, quietly and simply.

This was my question to my peer when I was requesting feedback from her:

“I’ve attached the two ads that I spoke to you about when we met. If you have a moment, could you please take a look at both and give me your feedback?”

This was her response:

“I do not like either. The image looks very phony to me. But if I have to choose, I would choose the one with the special introductory offer.”

Obviously, I wasn’t clear regarding the kind of information I wanted from her; she gave me her opinion, not constructive feedback.

The purpose of constructive feedback is to provide timely, honest, useful comments and suggestions that contribute to a positive outcome, a better process or improved behaviours.

I realize now that when I’m asking for feedback, I have to ask specifically for the information I need for the purpose of improving. It’s my responsibility to guide them to provide me with the type of information that I seek to make the result better.

Ask Specific Questions, Get Specific Answers

I should have asked specific questions for feedback, such as:

• Is the ad eye-catching?
• Would it be seen in a sea of other ads and newspaper copy?
• What could be done to make it more noticeable?
  

• Is the wording effective?
• Do some sentences flow poorly?
• What could improve it?
  

• Is the ad an appropriate size to be seen easily in the newspaper?
• If not, what would be better?

Make Sure You Ask the Right Person

When considering what kind of feedback you want, let that lead you to the person who is best suited to respond. Avoid asking someone who lacks the expertise that precise area.

Understanding what it is that you want from the person giving the feedback helps them respond more effectively and provide you with the information you need to improve. Next time, I’ll ask the right questions to the right person.

Want to know more about improving your constructive feedback skills? Get your copy of the eBook Express Yourself to Success.