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“I’m sick of being told to smile and make eye contact. That’s what everyone says.” Even as I type this, I can still see him rolling his eyes.

I hear comments like this about social skills from time to time. Every time, I agree - we are told this a lot.

And there’s a very simply explanation why this is.

Smiling and eye contact are physical ways to make yourself look approachable and make others more receptive when you approach them. They’ve become easy recommendations for good social skills.

After all, who wants to approach you if you look like a grump?

How will someone react to you if you approach them looking all serious or even just indifferent?

Neither is attractive. Said another way, you won’t attract someone to you if you don’t look approachable.

I spent the past few days doing a smile test to find out how much of a difference smiling and eye contact had, if any, on my interactions with others.

Over a short three day period, every time I went out, say to the grocery store, subway, park, or walking down the local shopping streets, I didn’t smile at anyone and made as little eye contact as was necessary.

The result?

No one was particularly friendly. They went about their routines and seemed to me to be rather hum-drum. A few people tried being friendly, like the woman in the bakery, but backed off when her effort wasn’t reciprocated. It’s as if some people wanted to be friendly, but needed to feed off of another person’s positive reaction. Interesting.

Following this testing period, I began the flip side of the test and smiled at everyone while making eye contact. Every time I went out, I paid attention to whoever I walked by or dealt with in a store. I looked and smiled at people in the subway and acknowledged people in the park. Occasionally, I added a ‘hi’, but only when it felt like I should say something as I smiled. Maybe that was cheating on the smile side, but it’s not like I was aiming to do a lofty scientific social test and besides, these results won’t be written up in a fancy interpersonal relationship journal. I figure my slight deviation is OK.

How did others react?

Most people smiled back. Everyone seemed friendlier when I was friendly. Everyone seemed more approachable when I was approachable. But it wasn’t just the return smile I received. Surprisingly, I received more than I gave: the guy in the subway kiosk complimented me saying that I had a “great smile,” the sales clerk became extra helpful, and the mail delivery woman wished me a “good one.”

And something else happened when I was smiling that didn’t when I wasn’t smiling: I felt happier. I was in a better mood throughout the day when I was smiling. My attitude and outlook were positively affected when I smiled and paid attention to those around me.

Yeah, sure, there were some people who were just plain cranky in both tests - like one of the other guys who sits in the subway kiosk watching people go by as they plunk their tokens into the turnstile and the lady waiting for her husband to finish using the ATM. I’m sure they had their reasons for being unfriendly and that’s OK – it wasn’t personal.

While I didn’t need convincing that smiling and eye contact are good social skills - I’ve benefited from them for years - it did re-enforce to me to keep smiling and eye contact on my top-five-best-social-skills-of-all-time list because of how easily they make us appear approachable and for the impressive impact they have on most everyone. Including myself.

©iStockphoto.com/Zlatko Kostic

The Harvard Business Review recently published an article co-written by Daniel Goleman and Richard Boyatzis, Social Intelligence and the Biology of Leadership. The one-line summary (as much as one line can summarize an eight-page article!) reads,

“New studies of the brain show that leaders can improve group performance by understanding the biology of empathy.”

Empathetic leaders? Hmmmmm…you don’t often hear that.

There are a lot of negative connotations associated with the word ‘leader.’ Ruthless. Ambitious. Cunning. Driven. Hard-nosed. But Ghandi was one of the great leaders and negative adjectives aren’t attributed to him. Maybe leaders can be empathetic, they just have to be aware of the benefits of being so.

While the article is short, it’s full of good information. It deals mostly with mood contagion (which stems from neurobiology) that refers to the way someone’s behaviour can either energize or weaken a team, department or organization. While this isn’t new – we all know how a cranky boss have ruin everyone’s work environment – what Goleman and Boyatzis do is take us through the biology of such effects to prove that there is some brain action and that someone’s mood isn’t just a soft-and-fluffy management style.

Before going any further, let’s just clarify what is social neuroscience: “the study of what happens in the brain while people interact.” A leading finding in this science is that when leaders display empathy and are aware of the moods of others, the brain chemistry of both the leader and the follower are affected.

How wild is that?

Goleman and Boyatzis go on to say that effective leadership encompasses “a genuine interest in and talent for fostering positive feelings in the people whose cooperation and support you need.”

So what happens to those leaders who don’t emphasize empathy? It’s not that leaders who are unempathetic are not successful and have poor quarterly results. It’s that the degree of success they have could be greater if they were more socially aware. This could be one of the factors that separate the top-performers from the mid-performers.

The worst-case scenario for ensuring a short executive life was studied by their colleague Claudio Fernandez-Araoz. He found that in some situations top executives were fired, not for deficiencies in their intelligence and determination, but because of their considerable lack of basic social skills.

Then Goleman and Boyatzis explore other neuroscience discoveries with mirror neurons, spindle cells, and oscillators in regard to social intelligence. However, those areas are way too complex for me to try to discuss here…and I’d probably mess it all up anyway. If you want the whole story, you’ll have to purchase a copy of the article from Harvard Business Review. (It’s only $6.50.)

They conclude with an impressive case study of a top executive whose social inabilities frustrated everyone – from her subordinates to top management. What was surprising to me was that she was completely oblivious to how her negative behaviour was drastically affecting the department. Although she was on the brink of being fired, her boss saw her potential and brought in an organization psychologist to work with her on her social issues. After a 360-degree evaluation, much hard work and some time, this executive not only kept her job but also she performed better and interacted more effectively with her colleagues. Her department increased its annual sales and she was made the president of a multibillion-dollar unit.

If you’re looking to get ahead in your career, I’d recommend that you take a look at this Goleman and Boyatzis article. It may well give you the upper-hand you need to secure that promotion you’ve been eyeing.

All the above quotes were taken directly from the Goleman/Boyatzis article discussed.

This is a March 2007 clip from TED featuring noted psychologist and award-winning author of Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman, who offers his insights into compassion.

The clip is 13 minutes long and worth watching but if that sounds too long to you, here’s a veeeeerrry brief summary:

Although we as humans are predisposed to helping others, Goleman asks why is it that sometimes we help others and sometimes we don’t. His response is if we’re in a hurry or late for an appointment, we’re probably so absorbed in and preoccupied with what it is that we’re doing (interested only in ourselves) that we neglect to help someone needing a hand.

He then goes on to discuss what makes a good leader and suggests that a significant contributing characteristic is the individual’s ability to exhibit empathy. When a leader can relate to others and take into consideration their moods, she is likely to be more effective in communicating with and motivating others.

Goleman also gives some valuable dating advice: focus on the person you’re on a date with. He recounts a simple dating test of Alice Charney Epstein: how long it took her date to ask her a question with the word ‘you’ in it. It was a way to determine whether her date was interested only in himself or interested in getting to know her.

According to Goleman’s research, keys to compassion are focusing less on ourselves and more on those around us. (Of course, I’d call that “having good social skills.” )

The key to having good social skills is to be genuinely interested in another person and, to do so, requires that you to give your full attention.

While this short film doesn’t deal directly with social skills, it does communicate how valuable giving your attention to another really is.

It starts out slowly, but keep watching. Enjoy!

This is a great video and it’s only one minute long.

It reminds me of the challenges we face when working towards success. We can still be successful when our situation changes as long as we adapt to the new conditions, alter our plans, take different actions and keep moving forward. In this video, the characters’ situation changes and they can choose: either accept the situation and take action or stand still.

What’s your interpretation?

©iStockphoto.com/Claude Dagenais
Being able to make small talk is a very handy social skill. While there are no concrete rules for it, there are guidelines that provide some guidance to get the conversation started and keep it rolling. Here’s a list of seven top don’ts and do’s when making small talk.

1. Don’t: Be interested only in yourself
Don’t take this the wrong way but focusing on yourself, no matter how interesting you think you are, may not be of interest to another.

Do: The key to making good small talk is to be interested in others.

2. Don’t: Talk too much
Small talk is a conversation – a verbal exchange that’s light and casual.

Do: Create a conversation that you can both contribute to. Use small talk as the first step to getting to know another person.

3. Don’t: Say Nothing
Sounds contradictory to the above point, but it’s not. If you’re silent and don’t talk at all then you’re not participating and forcing the other person to carry the conversation load. They may well leave you and go find someone who would like to contribute to a good conversation.

Do: Take responsibility for the success of the conversation and create an appropriate balance between listening and talking.

4. Don’t: Neglect asking any questions
Not asking any questions quickly snuffs small talk.

Do: Ask questions that will help you uncover what you have in common with the other person. Balance out the conversation by asking questions, listening to the responses and adding your own relevant comments.

5. Don’t: Ask too many questions
Once again, this may seem contradictory to point #4 but it’s not. Asking too many questions may make the other person feel like she’s in an interrogation and cause her to be uncomfortable.

Do: Ask some questions and give her time to respond but let her reciprocate and ask you questions so she can get to know you too.

6. Don’t: Respond with one word answers
One word answers take the conversation no where fast and often result in an uncomfortable and awkward silence.

Do: Even if you’ve been asked a “yes/no” question, take a bit of time to elaborate. Include some additional information that is relevant to the question and keep the conversation going.

7. Don’t: Look bored.
Having a facial expression that reads “I’m bored” won’t help make the conversation interesting and instantly convert it to a fascinating one.

Do: If the conversation is boring, you’re partly responsible - make the effort to create an interesting conversation.

Do you have some tips to add? It would be great to hear what you do.

©iStockphoto.com/Mustafa Ilker HELVACIOGLU

I had a surprise waiting for me in my inbox this morning - I received a thank you email from an acquaintance.

Here’s the story:

I’m part of a group of volunteers that comes together twice a year to do a job that we’ve done for some time. We know the drill and enjoy doing it. This year was a bit different: there was a new middle person who was coordinating our contribution. She wasn’t one of the leaders of the event, she was just responsible for our small group. When the event was finished, we wrapped up our respective assignments and went home, knowing we’d be back for a similar occasion in another few months.

As you can probably tell, it was the usual thing, nothing remarkable.

Several days had gone by and I’ve thought nothing more of it.

Then this morning, there was her email. It was only three lines long, yet it was well-written, sincere and professional.

It read:

“It took many volunteer hours to ensure the success of last Thursday’s event.

“Winston Churchill said it all when he said, “We make a living by what we
do, but we make a life by what we give.”

“I would like to thank all of you for “giving.”

Yours truly,
Anna”

Short, simple and gracious. I didn’t expect a thank you from Anna and, in fact, I wouldn’t have noticed that there was no acknowledgement from her. It wasn’t her “responsibility” and she simply didn’t “have” to do it. She did it anyway and this made it even more meaningful than if it was an obligatory ‘thank you.’ Her unexpected ‘thank you’ made her stand out.

It’s interesting how those three lines in an email changed my perception her. She’s no longer the blonde-lady-in-the-blue-suit. Now I see Anna differently:

• She’s not “just someone” I’ve seen at events – she’s Anna.
• I have a favourable opinion of her: I like her.
• I’ll make a point of reintroducing myself to her at the next event and get to know her better.
• If she’s looking for volunteers for another event, I’ll help out if I can.

Taking the initiative to show gratitude and acknowledge others even when it’s not expected, you

• stand out from the crowd and distinguish yourself from others
• appear friendly and approachable
• make a good impression
• are remembered

I don’t know if Anna was aiming to receive some direct benefit from saying ‘thank you.’ I would doubt it. Either way, she’s definitely in my “good book” for taking the time and effort to show appreciation when she didn’t have to.

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