Do We Have to Say What’s on Our Minds?
by Laurie Wilhelm
I admit it.
Every now and again (and then some) my mind wanders into the realm of criticism. I tell myself this is natural and that I’m not the only one who does it.
The problem comes when I have the urge to tell the ‘offender’ what’s on my mind. Sometimes it feels good to say what we’re thinking and sometimes we feel justified to voice our opinions, even if they’re negative.
In my younger days, I rarely hesitated to launch into ‘what so-and-so’s problem was.’ Now, as my enthusiasm to announce the shortcoming of others, lest they return the favour, is waning, I approach my criticism from a different angle – and a lot more consideration.
Here are a few questions I quickly consider before commencing my tirade about other people:
“What’s the purpose of my criticism?”
“What am I trying to achieve by saying it?”
“How will what I say affect our relationship?”
“Is it helpful or simply judgmental?”
“Am I sure my opinion is the right one?”
The answers usually are (in order of the questions):
“Ummm…to verbalize what’s going through my mind right now…”
“Achieve…didn’t think about that…what am I trying to achieve?”
“Well, last time my ‘observations’ didn’t go over so well…”
“Probably leaning more towards judgmental…”
“I’d like it to be right…but am I really?”
By the time I arrive at the end of my reflective questioning, I’ve realized that it’s probably not worth saying because there’s no point nor benefit – not to the other person, to me, or anyone else who may be affected by it. Besides, who wants to be around someone who finds fault and criticizes anyone who comes near?
I finally realize that it’s not necessary to say what I think all the time, especially when it’s, frankly, a useless criticism that will only put someone else on the defensive and spiral downward into an endless and hurtful squabble. Silence is golden.
photo©iStockphoto.com/biffspandex
I like the process of questions you ask. Not only that help us really think about it, also it help in the fact that sometime when we took an extra second we allow our wisdom to guide us.
Thank you for a great post.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
Laurie: That’s true. A few seconds is the difference between saying something smart or stupid. Thanks, Giovanna.
Hi Laurie,
I agree. Thinking before we speak is always a good idea, and these are great questions to ask ourselves.
Thank you for sharing.
Laurie: Yes, but it’s too bad that I had to learn this from experience. LOTS of experience. Thanks for visiting, Michael.
This is challenging, Laurie. I live with an internal critic which at times I find amusing. But you are right when it comes to dealing with another person and you have some sort of criticism against them. No-one likes to receive criticism.
What I would also like to know from you, please, is your opinion on criticism in general. I find that most conversations between people involves criticism of some sort, whether it is criticising something or someone else. How do you handle this type of a conversation when criticism is being dished?
Laurie: I agree – it is challenging, especially when it’s someone giving it to me and not the other way around. To answer your question (a good one by the way) speaking generally, I usually assume that there’s some miscommunication (on my part) or information missing. Either I’m don’t know a particular aspect of what they’re saying or they don’t know something about the situation (ie. me) to have made the criticism. Often I ask, as politely as I can, how they came up with the conclusion or saying something like “Is that really true? How do you know that?” Then we both start thinking more about it and have a better understanding of what led to the criticism…and if it is true or not. Sometimes, it is true and they’ve taught me something about myself (hopefully, it was all amicable!).
Fortunately, however, I don’t really have friends or colleagues that are negative and criticise meanly. Except there was one who wouldn’t let up, so I divorced him.
Thanks for visiting this post too, Rowe. I appreciate the time you took to come by.