Do We Have to Say What’s on Our Minds?
by Laurie Wilhelm
I admit it.
Every now and again (and then some) my mind wanders into the realm of criticism. I tell myself this is natural and that I’m not the only one who does it.
The problem comes when I have the urge to tell the ‘offender’ what’s on my mind. Sometimes it feels good to say what we’re thinking and sometimes we feel justified to voice our opinions, even if they’re negative.
In my younger days, I rarely hesitated to launch into ‘what so-and-so’s problem was.’ Now, as my enthusiasm to announce the shortcoming of others, lest they return the favour, is waning, I approach my criticism from a different angle – and a lot more consideration.
Here are a few questions I quickly consider before commencing my tirade about other people:
“What’s the purpose of my criticism?”
“What am I trying to achieve by saying it?”
“How will what I say affect our relationship?”
“Is it helpful or simply judgmental?”
“Am I sure my opinion is the right one?”
The answers usually are (in order of the questions):
“Ummm…to verbalize what’s going through my mind right now…”
“Achieve…didn’t think about that…what am I trying to achieve?”
“Well, last time my ‘observations’ didn’t go over so well…”
“Probably leaning more towards judgmental…”
“I’d like it to be right…but am I really?”
By the time I arrive at the end of my reflective questioning, I’ve realized that it’s probably not worth saying because there’s no point nor benefit – not to the other person, to me, or anyone else who may be affected by it. Besides, who wants to be around someone who finds fault and criticizes anyone who comes near?
I finally realize that it’s not necessary to say what I think all the time, especially when it’s, frankly, a useless criticism that will only put someone else on the defensive and spiral downward into an endless and hurtful squabble. Silence is golden.
photo©iStockphoto.com/biffspandex
