Don’t Take It Personally
by Laurie Wilhelm
I know – easier said than done, right?
It’s taken me years to really understand what “don’t take it personally” means and how to do it. I used to think that I should just ignore the comments, criticisms or “well-meaning” opinions; that I should turn a blind eye, the other cheek, or let them go like water off a duck’s back.
That didn’t seem to work very well. I was still upset. I still stewed over the comments. I’d go for walks to blow off steam. I’d meditate. I’d vent to anyone who would listen. I’d do just about anything to distract myself and get my mind off of it.
Then I realized what I was doing wrong: I was focusing on changing myself to not take things personally. That’s what the problem was. I was trying to fix myself and how I responded to the bothersome and annoying comment. But the comment wasn’t about me. It was directed to me but it was not about me. It was about the other person. What people say and do are about themselves; I had nothing to do with it.
Let me explain.
Everyone lives in their own world, with their own personal experiences, memories, opinions, assumptions, and perspectives. Sometimes, they impose their world on ours (and sometimes we impose ours on theirs) and it can come across as judgmental comments, offensive actions, or unthoughtful gestures. Perhaps they need to feel important or better than others so they’re quick to criticize. Maybe they have to feel they’re in control, to be seen as “in the know” or to appear smarter than everyone else. There can be any number of reasons and we may never know what they are.
These can happen in everyday situations, like when you’re driving to work and the driver behind you is honking and cursing at you because he thinks you should be turning left faster. Or when you’re telling your colleague your new idea and she looks at you as if it’s the dumbest thing she’s heard all month. Or when your neighbour gives you his unsolicited opinion on your new car and why he thinks it’s junk.
When someone says or does something that is, let’s say, rude or inconsiderate, they’ll do it regardless of anyone else. The driver probably curses at half a dozen people on his way to work. Your colleague may not want to “do things differently” no matter who suggests it. Your neighbour would have gone on about the car whether it was yours, his brother’s or someone’s at his workplace. Their reactions were a reflection of their personal world; they would have acted the same to one person as another.
When someone snaps at me “for no good reason” or responds in a way that’s over the top or unhelpful, I try to take a minute to ground myself and silently acknowledge that there’s something that lies beneath their inappropriate action, although I many never know what it is.
All I need to understand is that it has something to do with them. Maybe something’s gone wrong in their day or they have a headache or they…I don’t know. But I do know that, as long as I wasn’t initiating a negative reaction from them, there’s no reason for me to take it personally.
There have been times, like in a meeting or social event, where this has happened and I’ve consciously had to take a mental step back and ask myself, “Why is this person saying this to me?” It’s important that I find their reason for saying whatever it was and not try to fill in the blanks with my personal assumptions. Usually, I ask for clarification to better understand their comment or see if there was some sort of misunderstanding. I try to understand, as best I can, their thought process through inquiry instead of defending myself. Sometimes I can uncover the reason why they said what they did and can deal with it. Other times, it’s so “out there” that I just have to let it go – and not take it personally.
I know that I’ve succeeded in not taking things personally when I feel no need to defend myself. When I know that they’re conveying something about themselves, even though they’re directing their comments to me, that’s when I know I’m getting the hang of not taking it personally.
While it’s taken me a lot of time to have the patience and presence of mind to practice this, I’m still working on it (and sometimes working really hard) but I’m much better than I was. I just have to remind myself that whatever it is, it’s got nothing to do with me. The reward for all this effort is that I’m finding the less I take personally, the happier I am.
Really great stuff here. It’s so, SO hard not to take almost everything personally, but, in reality, usually whatever someone else says/does/etc. is about him or her, NOT about you. It’s hard to remember this sometimes, but it’s really important!
Laurie: It is hard to remember and sometimes I completely forget for a few hours then it hits me, “heyyy, wait a minute…it’s not me…”
Laurie,
This makes sense to me!
I also try to feel some empathy for the random person that is rude, unkind, and so on. Maybe he just heard some really bad news. Or maybe he is really worried about something. I’ll never know.
Laurie: Empathy is a good emotion to have. It really allows you to cut some slack for the other person. Thanks for visiting, Roger.
Very well said! It’s hard to apply sometimes, but you’re right, offensive comments are usually always about the other person…. Now if I can just remember that “in the moment”. This is my first visit. Great blog!
Laurie: Trying to remember is the hardest part for me.
Thanks for visiting my blog, Joanna – I’m glad to “see” you here!
Laurie, this was great! I’m probably too far in the other direction – I tend to be oblivious to feedback that, while maybe not done in the right way, may be nonetheless valuable information that says something about me. It’s a balancing act between being blind to your impact on others and letting the thoughts of others control you.
Laurie: I agree with you that there can be value in feedback and it’s a great way to learn about ourselves. But when it’s just judgmental opinions based on someone else’s biases, that’s when I have to remember their comment is about them. Of course, at that point it’s not really feedback either, only a criticism… It is, as you say, a balancing act and knowing when it’s good feedback or someone’s bad day.
Thanks for coming by Stephen!
Laurie,
People do project, don’t they? Hmmm… bet I do too.
But we are not Pavlov’s dogs. Between the stimulus (the comments and gestures we take personally) and the response (taking it personally; getting hurt, upset, angry, etc.) – is our ability to choose our response.
Laurie: “Choose our response” – that’s key in so many areas of our lives! Thanks for coming by, Ann Elise
Thanks for this post. In my experience, when someone says something to me that feels critical or hurtful, that’s actually because they’ve helped me see a place where I don’t fully accept myself. For example, if someone says “you made a mistake,” and I feel an urge to respond angrily or apologetically, I’m probably feeling that way because on some level I believe that “I can never make a mistake, or I’m unworthy or useless.” So naturally I feel compelled to defend myself. But if I recognize that making a mistake, as 99.9% of people do from time to time, doesn’t render me worthless, I’m not going to feel so freaked out over criticism like that.
Laurie: Good point. I used to get upset when I felt I was being treated/judged unfairly or really misunderstood and no effort was made to understand me better.
Thanks for leaving such a good comment.
I never let what other people say bother me. I’m very secure in who I am, and it took me a long time to get here.
When I was raising my children, I learned to never raise my voice to them unless it was an emergency (like running into the street). That way, they would listen to me right away. People saying negative things are a lot like that. If you take to heart every thing that is said to you, it’s a waste of your time & emotions, and you won’t recognize an “emergency call” if you get one.
Laurie: Good point – it IS a waste of time and emotions. Thanks for visiting and leaving a comment.
Wow, powerful stuff here!
I’ve had a few such comments directed towards me lately, and I’ve decided to just remove myself from the situation for a bit. (Lucky for me, I can do so easily in this case.) This is nice because it lets me know that I wasn’t ever wrong for expressing my opinion in the first place, it was simply someone else reacting to what I said in a perceived negative way, when my comments were never intended as such.
Unfortunately, the fact that I still get upset when it happens doesn’t help. I definitely need to learn how to let it roll off my back and not take it to heart.
Laurie: It’s hard not to take it to heart when you’re misunderstood. I have to remind myself from time to time to just let it go and accept they have their own reasons for their reactions.
Thanks for your comment, Meg. I appreciate your stopping by!