Interpersonal Skills: Here to Listen
by Laurie Wilhelm
The other day, my friend was told some bad news. Really bad news.
She wanted to talk to her friends about it. When she did, they listened to the story and commiserated by telling her theirs.
But by sharing their stories, she didn’t get to talk about how she felt. She didn’t get to say that she’s scared. She didn’t get to cry.
By the time she told me what had happened and how distressed she was, she was feeling even worse because she had to take on the painful past stories of other people while she was trying to deal with her own.
Please, please, please – if someone comes to you needing to talk – listen. Just listen.
It may be uncomfortable for you to just say “I’m sorry” or “I understand.” You want to console her. But sometimes the best way to console someone is to just let her feel what she needs to feel and say what she needs to say.
You don’t have to empathize by telling her your story – she has probably already heard yours before and has come to tell you because she knows you’ll understand.
Don’t try match her story with one you’ve heard from someone else.
Don’t up the ante by telling her one that’s worse.
Just listen.
Be there for her.
Let her express herself.
She needs your attention.
She needs you to listen.
She needs a space with you that’s calm, loving and safe.
And sometimes, she needs a hug.
That’s all.
photo©iStockphoto.com/realitybytes
I see this happen a lot, people speak more than they listen. We should keep in mind that we got to listen more than we speak, that is why we have 2 ears and 1 mouth. To listen, we must listen with understanding and empathy.
Thank you for sharing.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
Laurie: 2 ears, 1 mouth – kind of says it all. Thanks for visiting, Giovanna.
Hi Laurie,
I agree, completely. It is best to just listen, and let them have the stage, so to speak. I find most of the time, when people come to me, they aren’t looking for advice or encouragement, just someone to listen genuinely.
Laurie: I find that too. And often, once they talk it through, they’ve figured out what they need to do without our advice. Thanks for visiting, David; I appreciate it.
Aloha Laurie, thank you so much for visiting my Talking Story blog and leaving a comment there – it drew me here to read this!
As Giovanna and David have offered, I also agree and concur with your wisdom. A lesson I often share with managers in my coaching is that “Silence is Golden” and we practice listening exercises, for our normal m.o. – especially as managers – is to always be thinking ahead and filling our listening spaces with that thinking time of what we will say next. We think we are being proactive, but the listening suffers. The exercises we do are to help them get more comfortable when silences crop up, being okay with silent listening and sinking-in time instead, and often that is far better than anything they could have next said and added.
Laurie: Hi Rosa ~ Thank you for visiting; I’m happy you’ve come by! I’ve been enjoying your blog and your insights.
Your comments here are most helpful also, especially when you say “being okay with silent listening.” This can be quite the challenge since we tend not to be at ease with silence, although I’m not sure why that is…perhaps because we put more value in what we say than in what we receive from the other person… I’m glad you have listening exercises; I bet it contributes to better managers.
Thanks for stopping by!
I have been guilty of not being a good listener and doing all the unhelpful things you mentioned here. Sorry everyone whom I did not listen to, but instead thought I was helping you by doling out advice, my opinions or my experiences, upping the ante etc. Ooh it makes me shudder to think now. Thank you for this insight.
Laurie: I’ve been guilty of it too, however, there are times when it probably does help…depends on the situation, really. At the same time, when I’ve been silent the other person has been able to delve into their story more and, by doing so, they realize things that perhaps they didn’t at the beginning of the conversation.
I know how hard it is to just listen when what they’re talking about reminds me of something that happened to me. I realize that, for me, it means that I’ve not dealt with the issue enough that it’s triggered by someone else’s story. Ahhhh, personal growth…when will I be finished?!!
Thanks for stopping by, Rowe, I appreciate it.
Excellent! I have had to learn to do this over the years. Way back when, I thought I was helping by with my ‘you are not alone’ story. I would also try and fill in those uncomfortable silences by talking. I now realize those silences are okay. And if the person asks me if I have experienced something similar, I will share. If not, I simply listen.
Laurie: It’s taken me time to learn too; and I can completely relate to the uncomfortable silences – they can be really awkward. I’m finally more used to it now that I realize the silences were long to me, but not so to the other person. To them I think there’s so much going on in their minds that they don’t even notice. It also gives me an opportunity to either offer them a tissue to cry in or a hard object to throw, depending on the situation.
Thank you for stopping by. I get a kick out of your blog (except for your story today, which was beautifully touching) and look forward to your posts.
Hi Laurie – this is wonderful. It especially strikes a chord with me because my mother does what this person’s friends did – she never hears my story because she turns it into being about her, in her attempt to be empathic (I don’t think she reads your blog!) I’d like to think I’ve learned to listen to people as they share their story.
Laurie: If you’ve noticed this in others, I’m sure you know how to listen – and I bet you’ve got a lot of friends because of it. Thanks for stopping by Robin; I’m glad you did.