I Told You So
by Laurie Wilhelm
“I told you so.”
Have you ever said those words to someone?
When you said it, how did you want him to feel?
Perhaps more importantly, when you said it, how did you want to make yourself feel?
This all-too-common phrase can have very damaging effects on our relationships. When it’s said, it usually refers to an unfortunate consequence that we could see coming a mile away. We knew the outcome wasn’t going to be good. Unfortunately, the other person didn’t see it or didn’t have the experience to understand the potential consequences or couldn’t, for whatever reason, allow himself to see what could happen.
And while saying “I told you so,” or the seemingly-more-polite-but-not-really “I hate to tell you I told you so, but I told you so” may be true – we may well have “told him so” – it doesn’t have a positive impact on the situation or our relationship. “I told you so” damages relationships. Here are three reasons why:
1. “I told you so” keeps the situation in the past
Saying “I told you so” keeps the unfortunate situation alive because it doesn’t move forward to a resolution, a better situation or a new idea. It keeps us and the other person locked in the negative situation and, most likely, in an argument while the other person is trying to defend himself or save face.
Move from the past into the present where something can be done about it so that it can move successfully into the future. Instead of the “I told you so” comment, move forward by saying something like, “I’m sorry it worked out that way. I know you’ll be able to turn this around successfully. What can I do to help you do this?”
2. “I told you so” makes us feel good about ourselves at the other person’s expense
It’s unlikely that anyone would purposely do something that would make him look bad or appear incompetent. We all try, although not always successfully, to do what we can to make ourselves look good in front of others and feel good about ourselves.
Sometimes, however, we simply make mistakes.
In cases where someone else has made a mistake, we may wrongly believe that stating “I told you so” will make us look good. We knew that this wasn’t going to succeed. We knew it just wasn’t going to work out. We knew it was going to be a disaster.
OK. Fine. We knew.
The thing is, the other person didn’t know. By boosting ourselves into the seemingly-higher realm of “I told you so,” we simultaneously communicate not only that we were right but also that he was wrong. It’s stating that we knew better. We were smarter. And we may think that by saying it, we look good.
Well, that’s an incorrect evaluation of the situation.
Who needs to be told “I told you so” when they just had a negative experience? The only thing it really does is makes the other person feel miserable.
The bottom line is this: making someone feel badly NEVER makes us look good.
While we all like feeling the emotional high of being right, and don’t get me wrong – it’s good to be right, it should never be achieved at the expense of another.
3. Always let others save face
Chances are, when such situations occur and when the words “I told you so” are said, the person who made the mistake has already recognised his error. He now realizes that he made a poor decision or acted inappropriately or whatever. Really, at this point, he probably gets it. Don’t rub in his mistake. Don’t push him down further. Don’t embarrass him more.
Help him recover and move forward. Support him in regaining his dignity. Relieve him from as much embarrassment as you can. Saying, “It can happen to the best of us” or “I’ve made mistakes before too” or “That’s too bad. Let me know what I can do for you to resolve this” allows him to save face.
This is our opportunity to lessen the bad feelings, humiliation or inadequacy the other person is experiencing. They’ll appreciate the gesture and by our reducing the negativity in their experience, we strengthen our relationship with them. And we all look good.
No one is exempt from making mistakes and potentially being on the receiving end of “I told you so.” Protect others from enduring this phrase and in return, they may protect us when we make a mistake.
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