I’m Not Yelling
by Laurie Wilhelm
I heard a snippet of a conversation as I walked by a guy talking on his cell phone. At first, I didn’t hear what he was saying, but I could pick up from how he sounded that it was probably one of those “difficult” conversations with someone he knows well. By the time I passed him, I heard him say, “I’m not yelling at you!”
It’s true. He wasn’t yelling. But the tone of his voice was yelling.
Have you ever experienced this? Where you were having one of “those” conversations and while the other person wasn’t actually yelling, it felt like she was? Or has someone told you that you were yelling and you said the exact same thing that this guy said? I know I have.
We don’t have to yell to be yelling. Our tone will give us away. Even when we’re consciously trying not to yell, if we’re speaking aggressively, with an expression of annoyance in our voice, or articulating…every… single… word, the listener hears “yelling.”
It’s not like it’s bad to express when we’re feeling upset, but the tone we use does impact the situation. When this happens, it’s important not to delve into the emotions that fuel an aggressive tone. I try to take a mental step back becoming aware of how I’m feeling and how I may be perceived. When I can distance myself from the discussion, I often see that it doesn’t merit the tone I’m giving it. Sometimes I see that I’m overreacting to a relatively minor annoyance and can adjust myself to speak ‘normally’ – or at least more gently. Well, that’s how it works in theory…
In reality, it’s hard to sound calm when your emotions are running amuck throughout your body. This is an area I find particularly challenging because when I’m in the heat of it, I find that I’m more caught up in what I’m saying than how I’m saying it. The first step, however, is being aware of the “yelling” and then making the effort to withdraw the agressive tone.
