I’m Not Yelling
by Laurie Wilhelm
I heard a snippet of a conversation as I walked by a guy talking on his cell phone. At first, I didn’t hear what he was saying, but I could pick up from how he sounded that it was probably one of those “difficult” conversations with someone he knows well. By the time I passed him, I heard him say, “I’m not yelling at you!”
It’s true. He wasn’t yelling. But the tone of his voice was yelling.
Have you ever experienced this? Where you were having one of “those” conversations and while the other person wasn’t actually yelling, it felt like she was? Or has someone told you that you were yelling and you said the exact same thing that this guy said? I know I have.
We don’t have to yell to be yelling. Our tone will give us away. Even when we’re consciously trying not to yell, if we’re speaking aggressively, with an expression of annoyance in our voice, or articulating…every… single… word, the listener hears “yelling.”
It’s not like it’s bad to express when we’re feeling upset, but the tone we use does impact the situation. When this happens, it’s important not to delve into the emotions that fuel an aggressive tone. I try to take a mental step back becoming aware of how I’m feeling and how I may be perceived. When I can distance myself from the discussion, I often see that it doesn’t merit the tone I’m giving it. Sometimes I see that I’m overreacting to a relatively minor annoyance and can adjust myself to speak ‘normally’ – or at least more gently. Well, that’s how it works in theory…
In reality, it’s hard to sound calm when your emotions are running amuck throughout your body. This is an area I find particularly challenging because when I’m in the heat of it, I find that I’m more caught up in what I’m saying than how I’m saying it. The first step, however, is being aware of the “yelling” and then making the effort to withdraw the agressive tone.
So true — we can definitely be yelling without yelling. The best way to deal with situations in which your emotions are taking over is to take a break from the conversation and come back to it later. Yes, this sometimes means going to bed angry, but it’s much more important to get a fresh perspective than it is to resolve things immediately.
Laurie: I agree. A break is the best thing, I just wish there was something more instantaneous. But with emotions, I guess they have to run their course. Thanks for saying it’s OK – and sometimes good – to go to bed angry when there can be a better solution in the morning.
Hi Laurie,
This is a good reminder for me – to be conscious of this when I’m having conversations that might lead to yelling based just upon my tone. I know I don’t like being the recipient to this. I guess, if I can be conscious of what I’m doing – then I’ll have a better chance as not doing this. And if I can “catch” myself before doing this – maybe some deep breathing might help – before I open my mouth and say something…
Thanks for this today – it really is a good reminder for me to how I “treat” others…
Laurie: Catching myself before using my tone is always a challenge for me, but it’s good advice. Maybe taking 5 seconds to get a grip is the way to go…now if only I can remember…
I like your play on the word “treat.” I’ve not thought of that before.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
Hi Laurie,
Ironically “yelling” conjures up a shouting match, but what you’ve said is very true. Although I don’t mean to “yell” (not shout), at times I do find myself talking in a tone that could equate to “yelling”. Your post reminds me to think before I speak so as not to make others feel “less than” or that they are being “yelled at”. Hmmmm. I’m off to ponder.
Laurie: I have a hard time remembering to think first before I speak. I’m getting better, but some situations are harder than others. Thanks for stopping by, Barbara. It’s good to “see” you here!
Laurie — This is an excellent reminder…especially for me! I’ve been told I can yell even when I whisper:~( As I don’t like it when someone else does this to me, it’s something I’m continually working on.
I can usually tell when I’m yelling w/o yelling by looking at the person’s face and eyes. If I see a certain look, I know my tone is not right. Sometimes I can fix it right then, but most of time I end up apologizing later. I think this is one of my life lessons:~)
Laurie: Hey – that’s a good idea. Look at the other person’s face…why didn’t I think of that?
Body language is full of cues and this is a good opportunity to look for them. Thanks for the tip!
Laurie,
I think our voice can sound like yelling when we’re angry even if we’re speaking quietly. In other words, if we’re truly angry that aren’t any good ways to hide it. The best we can do is not speak until we calm down, but then silence can come across as anger as well.
Laurie: “Silence can come across as anger” – I’ve experienced that before, on both receiving and giving ends. Maybe the silence is part of the calming down period and we just need to give that to one another… Thanks for the thoughtful input, Roger.
Oh, boy! Have I ever heard these words in my life! I was cursed with my father’s “gift” of often unintentionally sounding annoyed even when I am not, so it has been a decades-long battle for me to be very aware of how I sound and the words I choose. Not easy!
But … I have also discovered that there are moments where people can project onto us their own feelings and frustrations. I have had times in my life where despite the tone of my voice and its volume (calm and soft, respectively) I have been accused of yelling simply because this person did not agree with what I had to say. In those cases, I can only know that I am not at fault and attempt to diffuse the situation by addressing this person’s own fears and frustrations. Again, not easy.
Laurie: Good observation. Looking back, I’ve been in that kind of situation also and have been surprised to hear that the other person thinkd I’m yelling or upset when I’m not, I was just “talking.” But it’s not easy to be accused of yelling when the emotion that supports that tone isn’t even there. It makes me feel really misunderstood. Thanks, Chania Girl!
Counting to ten helps, when I remember to do it!
Laurie: I have a tough time remembering too. Especially in the heat of the moment – that’s tough! Thanks for coming by, Vered.
Great article! I think the tone of one’s voice can be even more offensive than actually yelling! I find that I am often more off-put by someone’s delivery than the message itself. I try to monitor my own delivery and think of how it will be received as you suggested. It’s not easy but I am working on it! I find the women (and men) I most admire are those who can express themselves lovingly and with kindness no matter what the message. I hope that as I grow, I can evolve into naturally behaving that way. Thanks for the post!
Laurie: It amazing how some people have the wonderful ability to deliver negative news positively. I admire them too. And I’m working to be as close to like them as I can…but it’s taking a lot of work and a lot of time! I also agree with you that the tone of someone’s delivery can be more off-putting than the message itself. It’s as if the content of the message changes to match the tone of one’s voice instead of holding true to the message. Thanks for your comment, Jodi.
I echo Chania Girl’s comment about people projecting their own feelings and frustrations onto us. I know that when I’m frustrated and angry, that’s what I hear in other people’s tones. When I’m calm, I’m able to focus on their calmless (this is almost always the case). If I am upset or angry, I try not to talk. At all. I know the moment I do, I’ll be opening up an oxygen tank near my inner flame of frustration and nobody needs that!
Laurie: I love how you worded that – “opening up an oxygen tank near my inner flame of frustration”. And oh, how I can see myself there. Thanks for that great visual. I think that it’ll help me remember about calming down in a tense situation. Thanks for coming by, Megan.
This is a good point. I have experienced this before and the tone of yelling certainly adds to the current misunderstanding in one’s conversation.
Laurie: True. Not only can the tone hurt feelings and offend, but it can also escalate the negative situation by adding misunderstanding to it. Good observation. Thanks for sharing it, Jocelyn.
What a great post! Tone is voice is the ONLY thing dogs understand when you praise or reprimand them. They don’t understand words, except for maybe sit and stay. But tone conveys everything.
Laurie: Great point. Sometimes, with people, it just doesn’t matter what you say when your tone communicates for you. Who needs words when your tone will say it all? Dogs have us figured out without speaking our language.
Thanks for coming by, Vi.
My tone tends to offend those closest to me when I get passionate about a subject. I never raise my voice — it’s just the tone. I have never been one to intentionally hurt anyone. I’m learning to not respond as quickly by taking a few seconds to think about my tone and delivery before I speak. When I am truly angry, I have to step back and discuss the situation later. I find that no one really “hears” what you say when they don’t like your tone. I am definitely “work in progress.” Thank you for sharing.