Telling Someone Something That’s Uncomfortable to Say
by Laurie Wilhelm
Have you ever had to tell someone something that made you uncomfortable? Something like the skirts your colleague wears are too short and she looks really unprofessional or that her breath is bad? How about someone on your team has bad body odour?
While these are personal issues, they do impact how others perceive the individual. At work, this can even effect them to the point that it may cost them advancement opportunities because they don’t look the part or smell so offensive that no one wants to be in the same room.
Yes, it’s really, really uncomfortable to have these conversations because it’s embarrassing to tell an adult that she’s stinky. However, in a situation that has no easy way, if you can approach it by focusing on helping her to understand something that she might not be aware of, it’ll be a bit easier. Having an understanding of good interpersonal communication skill can really reduce your stress in these situations.
First, make sure you meet out of ear-shot of anyone else. You don’t want to embarrass her in front of her colleagues (even though her colleagues are probably very aware of the situation). Then get right to the point. Don’t torture her by prefacing what you’re going to say with how hard it is to tell her, that you hope she doesn’t take it the wrong way, that there’s no easy way to say it. Doing that just causes her undue anxiety as she wonders what on earth she’s about to hear. Just get to the point.
Now, you don’t have to say that she stinks and her breath wilts anything within a two-foot radius. Start with something more understanding and relevant to the work environment such as, “I know you work very hard to ensure all your assignments are done to the best of your ability and you’d probably like to know if there’s something that, despite your good work, may distract others from your abilities. I believe that I should let you know that you need to pay more attention to the products you use for fresh breath.”
Yes, get right to it. As you can probably assume, this can take someone off guard so you may want to pause here and wait for a reaction. She may be offended or she may be realistic enough to understand that, even though this is embarrassing, it’s real turn-off that can drive people away from her and that you’re doing her a favour by telling her. Either way, be ready to say more, such as,
“Unfortunately, bad breath that may get in your way when working with others and I’d rather that they focus on your many talents than have this distraction. You may want to check out a few new mouthwash products or talk with your dentist to find out if there’s something she can recommend. It could be a medical issue so you may want to check that out also.”
At this point, don’t drag out the conversation. You’ve said what you needed to so wrap it up as considerately as you started,
“I’m letting you know this because I believe that you can achieve real success in your career and I don’t want something like this to get in your way. I hope I’ve not offended you; I chose to talk to you about this because I know that I’d want someone to tell me if I was experiencing a similar situation.”
These conversations are never easy but prepare yourself for it and know what you’d like to say beforehand so it comes out right and is constructive. The purpose of telling them is to help them out, not to criticize or humiliate. This is another time when it’s useful to already have good interpersonal skills. Communication takes many forms and saying something uncomforable courteously, clearly and quickly is sometimes the best way to do it.
Great article. how do you approach an employee that wears blouses cut too low and exposes more skin than allowed? Any suggestions on how to handle this dress code violation?
Laurie: Hi Regina,
Thanks for stopping by and for the question.
Some companies have dress codes written out that stipulate the types of clothes that are appropriate in that work environment and subsequent penalties if the code is not followed (ie. sent home without pay until appropriate attire is worn). If your company has such a dress code (one that is formalized and written out), then a reminder email to all staff about dress requirements, with the actual dress code document attached, may help.
If that doesn’t work, a colleague (I’d suggest a female colleague) take her aside and let her know of the document and that she may want to look it over so not to be reprimanded “officially” (again- sent home without pay).
However, if there is no document that outlines required dress (no formalized company code = no violation) then that’s a bit trickier. In this case, it’s more likely left to the opinion and discretion of the individual – and those opinions can vary dramatically from culture to culture. Since I don’t know anything about the particular issue that you’re referring to, it’s difficult to respond (ie. whether or not she reports to you, she’s a colleague, if your company has a human resources department which could handle the “situation”)
Using the wording from the example in the above post, you could substitute words for your particular situation without saying “you’re exposing too much skin.” You could say, “I know you work very hard to ensure all your assignments are done to the best of your ability and you’d probably like to know if there’s something that, despite your good work, may distract others from your abilities. I believe that I should let you know that you need to pay more attention to creating a professional look in the way that you dress.”
You could have some pictures of the type of dress that would be more suitable and point out the length of the skirt and the blouse’s collar and how it is buttoned, suggesting that she would be perceived as more professional dressed this way. If she asks for specifics about the way she already dresses, focus on what she can do instead of how she is looking. You could easily say “Even just doing up the top couple of buttons on your blouse would give a more professional impression,” or “choosing a more closed neckline would suit a professional image better.”
I guess the key here is to be supportive of her talents, do not criticize, and offer ideas on what to do or how to resolve what you see as a potential issue that would negatively affect her career. Remember, unless your company has a dress code, you can say something and she doesn’t have to take your advice. Even in the post I’ve written above, the person receiving the message about bad breath may not want to do anything about it and go on smelling. Her choice. At least you tried to advise her the best you could.