Last week, I was walking through a mall and passed a table where some volunteers were raising money for charity. As one mother and her young son passed by the table, the boy spotted some toy cars that were part of the display. Naturally, he shook loose from his mother’s grip and zoomed over to the table to have a hands-on look.

One of the volunteers began chatting with the little boy and then asked him to get his mom to donate some money. As she said, this I watched the reaction of the mother who was standing behind the volunteers as she waited for her son to come back. She threw her head back, rolled her eyes and did one of those full-body contortions of complete exasperation. It would have been a great comedic moment had I not felt badly for her.

The volunteers didn’t see her reaction and she collected herself beautifully, walked calmly up to the table, smiled sweetly, took her son’s hand and yanked him away from the table. Classic.

There’s a lot to be said about body language. While it’s not often that we encounter such an overt example, there are some not-so-subtle clues that we can pick up on to better understand and communicate with those around us. We just need to be aware of what someone is trying to tell us by using their body, which is frequently done in unconscious ways, rather than by their words.

When we witness these displays of body language and we usually remark something like, “She looked nervous.” “He seemed really happy.” or “Martha looked really angry when Roland took credit for the work they did as a team but she didn’t say anything to correct him.”

In such cases, take advantage of body language communication and use this information to relate and interact better:

• If you’re in a situation and you can tell by someone’s actions that he’s getting upset, frustrated, or flustered, change your approach. The more upset he gets, the less likely there will be a pleasant and co-operative outcome.
• If you encounter a friend who is in a good mood, smiling and walking confidently, mirror that body language and join in the happy feeling, especially if you’re feeling the exact opposite. Instead of pulling him down, let him bring you up.
  
• When you see someone at a social event looking uncomfortable and uneasy, take a moment to go over and say hello and do what you can to make them feel more relaxed.
• When your spouse comes home from work feeling agitated or uptight and she throws her briefcase on the floor, flings her shoes off in the dining room, and flops down on the couch, don’t launch into a rant about how your day was worse or pick on her for not having started or finished some chore that she intended to do.
• When you’re raising money for charity at the mall, don’t get someone’s kid to get his parent’s money for you. Talk to the parent yourself. … OK, that didn’t have anything to do with body language; it was just something that bugged me.

Take time to see and understand what other people are saying with their body instead of relying heavily on their words. Use these clues and change your communication accordingly so whatever interaction you have with them is as positive as you can make it.

I heard a snippet of a conversation as I walked by a guy talking on his cell phone. At first, I didn’t hear what he was saying, but I could pick up from how he sounded that it was probably one of those “difficult” conversations with someone he knows well. By the time I passed him, I heard him say, “I’m not yelling at you!”

It’s true. He wasn’t yelling. But the tone of his voice was yelling.

Have you ever experienced this? Where you were having one of “those” conversations and while the other person wasn’t actually yelling, it felt like she was? Or has someone told you that you were yelling and you said the exact same thing that this guy said? I know I have.

We don’t have to yell to be yelling. Our tone will give us away. Even when we’re consciously trying not to yell, if we’re speaking aggressively, with an expression of annoyance in our voice, or articulating…every… single… word, the listener hears “yelling.”

It’s not like it’s bad to express when we’re feeling upset, but the tone we use does impact the situation. When this happens, it’s important not to delve into the emotions that fuel an aggressive tone. I try to take a mental step back becoming aware of how I’m feeling and how I may be perceived. When I can distance myself from the discussion, I often see that it doesn’t merit the tone I’m giving it. Sometimes I see that I’m overreacting to a relatively minor annoyance and can adjust myself to speak ‘normally’ - or at least more gently. Well, that’s how it works in theory…

In reality, it’s hard to sound calm when your emotions are running amuck throughout your body. This is an area I find particularly challenging because when I’m in the heat of it, I find that I’m more caught up in what I’m saying than how I’m saying it. If any of you have ways of dealing with these types of situations and have figured out how to sound calm, I’d love to hear about it.

We all make assumptions. I think they’re part of our survival mechanisms. We have so much coming at us on a daily basis that making assumptions is part of our mental filtering system that protects us from information overload. They also serve us by helping us make decisions and understand new situations more quickly.

There are times, however, when making assumptions creates difficulties and challenges in our interactions with others and in our relationships.

We tend to make assumptions when we’re missing information. When we’re in a situation where we’re lacking some knowledge, background, or context, we “make up” that information. Sometimes we can get so carried away that we dream up stories to support and confirm our assumptions.

By making assumptions we

1. don’t let others speak for themselves.
We speak for them by projecting our experiences onto them - we’ve already seen something similar so we assume this person or situation will also react or be the same way.

2. don’t really get to know the other person
When we get to know another person by assuming various things about them, we’re not accepting them as they really are, but who we assume they are based on our perceptions.

3. misunderstand situations and circumstances
We can make the assumption that a situation is better than it really is and not see that things are actually about to start breaking apart. Likewise, when we assume that a situation is worse than it is, we may try to fix something that isn’t broken - and then we really do break it.

4. make decisions based on the wrong information
When we’re in a situation requiring us to make a decision and we base our decision on our assumptions, we may not have the right information. We think that we know the facts when we’re really mistaking our assumptions for facts.

5. are offended when we think others understand us and find out they they don’t
We assume that the people closest to us know what we’re thinking and what exactly it is that we’re saying - even when we’re not expressing our thoughts well. We end up hurt and offended that they “don’t get us” and they “should have known what I meant.” While they understand a lot about us, they’re not mind readers.

Unfortunately, assumptions can be so imbedded in our minds that we don’t even know we’re making them. Needless to say, it’s hard to stop making assumptions. I mean, how can you stop if you don’t know you’ve started? I still have a tough time with that.

I guess the most effective thing we can do to stop making assumptions is to start asking more questions: “Is what I’m thinking correct?” “Am I missing something?” “Is this really true?” We also need to be open to answer questions from others when they’re trying to get information from us so that they’re not making assumptions either.

When we have the information we need, we’ll stop making up our own. And when we stop filling in the blanks with our perceptions, experiences, and stories we’ll probably have fewer misunderstandings, less conflicts and better relationships.

Have you ever been greeted by someone who didn’t even look at you? Or when they asked, “How are you?” it was obvious that they really didn’t care how you answered? It probably didn’t do much to make you feel good, welcomed or that it even mattered you were there.

On the other hand, have you ever been greeted by someone who sounded truly happy to see you? Who stopped what they were doing to acknowledge you? Who had a smile on their face, asked you how you were doing and actually waited for you to respond? It probably made you feel special and that you mattered.

The importance of greeting others shouldn’t be overlooked. It’s the first opportunity we have to focus entirely on another person and the way we choose to use those initial seconds determines the tone of our interactions. When we greet someone warmly and focus on them with our undivided attention the conversation will most likely reflect that warmness. When we greet someone indifferently or are too busy to bother, we set up an interaction that will probably be of a similar tone - and we lose the opportunity to reinforce good relations.

When you can greet someone and in those first few seconds make them feel that they’re important to you and they feel good about themselves, chances are that you’ll have a better relationship with them and they’ll probably like you more. Making someone feel good in a matter of seconds is as easy as giving them a little extra, positive attention whenever you first see them.

Jim Fannin, the “Change your Life” Coach,” has put together a video about the importance of greeting one another and the impact it has on our relationships. In his video, The 90-Second Rule, he states, “If you’ve been away from someone who you really care about for at least two hours, the first 90 seconds that you’re with them has more impact on the relationship than spending hours and hours with them later.”

Fannin gives some good examples of what to do and what not to do. While his video concentrates on familial relationships, the skill of greeting others well extends to all our social relationships, be they at home or at work. Making the people around you feel good by giving them a warm greeting every time you see them builds stronger, friendlier relationships.

I’d like to thank Alex Shalman for introducing me to Fannin and the 90-Second Rule.

©iStockphoto.com/winterling

I know - easier said than done, right?

It’s taken me years to really understand what “don’t take it personally” means and how to do it. I used to think that I should just ignore the comments, criticisms or “well-meaning” opinions; that I should turn a blind eye, the other cheek, or let them go like water off a duck’s back.

That didn’t seem to work very well. I was still upset. I still stewed over the comments. I’d go for walks to blow off steam. I’d meditate. I’d vent to anyone who would listen. I’d do just about anything to distract myself and get my mind off of it.

Then I realized what I was doing wrong: I was focusing on changing myself to not take things personally. That’s what the problem was. I was trying to fix myself and how I responded to the bothersome and annoying comment. But the comment wasn’t about me. It was directed to me but it was not about me. It was about the other person. What people say and do are about themselves; I had nothing to do with it.

Let me explain.

Everyone lives in their own world, with their own personal experiences, memories, opinions, assumptions, and perspectives. Sometimes, they impose their world on ours (and sometimes we impose ours on theirs) and it can come across as judgmental comments, offensive actions, or unthoughtful gestures. Perhaps they need to feel important or better than others so they’re quick to criticize. Maybe they have to feel they’re in control, to be seen as “in the know” or to appear smarter than everyone else. There can be any number of reasons and we may never know what they are.

These can happen in everyday situations, like when you’re driving to work and the driver behind you is honking and cursing at you because he thinks you should be turning left faster. Or when you’re telling your colleague your new idea and she looks at you as if it’s the dumbest thing she’s heard all month. Or when your neighbour gives you his unsolicited opinion on your new car and why he thinks it’s junk.

When someone says or does something that is, let’s say, rude or inconsiderate, they’ll do it regardless of anyone else. The driver probably curses at half a dozen people on his way to work. Your colleague may not want to “do things differently” no matter who suggests it. Your neighbour would have gone on about the car whether it was yours, his brother’s or someone’s at his workplace. Their reactions were a reflection of their personal world; they would have acted the same to one person as another.

When someone snaps at me “for no good reason” or responds in a way that’s over the top or unhelpful, I try to take a minute to ground myself and silently acknowledge that there’s something that lies beneath their inappropriate action, although I many never know what it is.

All I need to understand is that it has something to do with them. Maybe something’s gone wrong in their day or they have a headache or they…I don’t know. But I do know that, as long as I wasn’t initiating a negative reaction from them, there’s no reason for me to take it personally.

There have been times, like in a meeting or social event, where this has happened and I’ve consciously had to take a mental step back and ask myself, “Why is this person saying this to me?” It’s important that I find their reason for saying whatever it was and not try to fill in the blanks with my personal assumptions. Usually, I ask for clarification to better understand their comment or see if there was some sort of misunderstanding. I try to understand, as best I can, their thought process through inquiry instead of defending myself. Sometimes I can uncover the reason why they said what they did and can deal with it. Other times, it’s so “out there” that I just have to let it go - and not take it personally.

I know that I’ve succeeded in not taking things personally when I feel no need to defend myself. When I know that they’re conveying something about themselves, even though they’re directing their comments to me, that’s when I know I’m getting the hang of not taking it personally.

While it’s taken me a lot of time to have the patience and presence of mind to practice this, I’m still working on it (and sometimes working really hard) but I’m much better than I was. I just have to remind myself that whatever it is, it’s got nothing to do with me. The reward for all this effort is that I’m finding the less I take personally, the happier I am.

I’ve always believed that I’m observant. I usually know who’s doing what or who likes this and dislikes that. Or I thought I did.

I saw this a while ago and can’t believe I got it wrong. So much for being observant.

How well did you do?

This morning, I read a blog post by Roger at A Content Life. I knew it was going to be another good post just from the title, Beware of False Kindness. He made me think some more about what is kindness.

There are two things I know for sure about kindness.

1. Kindness is not weak.
2. Half the time, kindness not easy.

Kindness is often characterised as an individual who is missing his backbone. Someone who apologizes for something that’s neither their responsibility nor doing or who is standing in the background being trampled on and taken advantage of because they have no boundaries.

True kindness, however, is neither weak nor easy. It takes strength, patience, and wisdom to be kind. Roger illustrates this well in his post and calls it “false kindness.” It’s the kindness that we do to be “nice” in order to avoid conflict, confrontation or seem mean. Unfortunately, by being “nice” we neglect the potential negative impact of our actions. It’s like when we tell someone that his average-level work is really good just so we don’t hurt his feelings, but it really needs extra attention. Of course, what happens here is he presents it to his boss who is probably more concerned with the quality of the product and not very interested in being “nice.” In effect, we’re not really being nice to him. We’re being nice to ourselves by avoiding a negative, and potentially uncomfortable, conversation.

To tell him truth about his work may not be easy, especially if he thinks it’s great and he really wants to be complimented. A lot of the time, however, we can be kind and honest by communicating well. For example, we can give negative feedback positively. If your colleague is asking your opinion on his work and the reality is that it isn’t as good as it could be, giving constructive feedback is far more beneficial to him than being “nice” and setting him up for disappointment with his boss’ “feedback” (which as we all know can be pretty harsh sometimes).

It’s times like these when we really need to think about what we should say and how we should say it so we don’t crush his self-esteem but help him understand what’s not working well and how he can make it better. For example, you could say to your colleague, “These two areas are done pretty well, but if you want to bring your work up to the next level, you could do…” and give him some ideas to improve.

Other times, we try to convince ourselves that being “nice” is being kind because we don’t want to deal with the discomfort of kindness. We have to decide who we’re being kind to. If it’s to ourselves, then it’s easier to do the less kind action so we can be comfortable and not face any conflict. If it’s to others, then we often have to have the strength to put ourselves in an uncomfortable position for the long-term benefit of another.

For example, having to tell someone that he has to leave the team because he’s holding back the rest and you don’t have the luxury of time to get him better trained can be a really hard thing to do. It would be easy to cast a blind eye and not deal with the issue because we want to be “nice” and not hurt his feelings. But is that being fair to the rest of the team? If he stays on and the team loses, who benefits? The team will blame its failure on him and this will damage his self-esteem and self-confidence. When there’s little to no room for compromise, it’s difficult doing the right thing. What we have to remember is to do the right thing in a kind way.

When kindness is expressed in a way that is compassionate, understanding and respectful, it is easier to be kind without the potential hazards of being “nice.” And while it can be hard to be kind, it’s even harder to live with the after effects of “nice.”

©iStockphoto.com/shironosov

I’ve been trying out a new way to approach everybody, from my friends and acquaintances to people I don’t know like cashiers, wait staff, and receptionists. I’m assuming from the get-go that everyone is amazing. That’s the starting point: amazing. With everyone I meet, I’ve been presuming the best in them - that they’re essentially good, honest people who mean well.

This was inspired by the video, Validation. Now, I’m not overtly gushing over people like the guy in the video did. Instead, in my mind I’m thinking, “You’re amazing. You’re an amazing person and I’m going to treat you the way all amazing people should be treated. I’m not going to wait for you to treat me that way, I’m going to do it first because you’re amazing.”

It may sound silly, but I really think I’m treating people better because I’ve changed my approach to them. They’re no longer non-descript, ordinary, average people. They’re amazing individuals with different opinions, perceptions, backgrounds, and interests. Just to clarify a bit here - it’s not that I have to agree with what everyone’s doing, thinking or acting, but it does encourage me to give others the benefit of the doubt and not judge.

It seems to me that we’re often waiting for someone else to treat us like we’re amazing. It’s as if we first need recognition, acknowledgement, and acceptance before we’re willing to give it; it’s too emotionally risky to take the initial step in case it’s not reciprocated.

Why does it have to be? Why do we need someone to say they feel the same way before we put ourselves ‘out there’?

This reminds me of the comedy skit where one person says, “I love you.” and the other person says, “Thank you.” Well, I understand the potential feelings of vulnerability, rejection and embarrassment. The pressure we put on ourselves and others with our unsaid emotional demands can be pretty stressful.

What if we can choose to say, “I love you” or “I think you’re amazing” and not have any expectation or requirement that it be returned? Is it possible to do that? I guess both people would have to be comfortable with either not needing it said back or not feeling obligated to say it back. Maybe that’s asking for too much.

In any case, I’m going to continue thinking everyone is amazing because it’s working for me right now. And I have to admit, it feels pretty good to be around so many incredible people all the time.

©iStockphoto.com/pcatalin

We may not always remember this, but we all have the opportunity to choose how we express our feelings. The consequences of our expressions are no big deal when we’re feeling good. At those times, we’re often smiling, ready to laugh, kidding around, and happy. The way we express ourselves becomes an issue when we’re in a bad mood. When we’re feeling negative, for whatever reason, we may not be as attentive in choosing how we express ourselves.

Our expressions are as contagious as a virus. Positive expressions spread positive emotions, negative ones spread negative emotions. Looking at our negative feelings, it’s not that we have to suppress them, it’s that we should communicate them in a way that is not harmful, by word or action, to the innocent bystanders in our lives.

For example, we can feel angry but we don’t have to yell and be aggressive. It’s the difference between saying, “I am angry.” and “I AM ANGRY!!!” We still communicate how we feel, but the former confines the angry virus and the latter is like an uncovered sneeze that sprays negativity all over everyone else. We still feel the same but now we’ve inflicted anger on other people.

Self-expression, it seems, is a right; we have a sense of entitlement to let people know how we feel whether they want to know it or not. What kinds of self-expression do we choose? Do we have the right to choose one that upsets another and makes someone else angry? Do we have the right to say things that hurt or offend others? At what point did we give ourselves permission to treat others poorly just because we want to express ourselves?

When we lash out in anger, frustration, or aggravation it’s as if we’ve been hijacked by our negative emotions. We’re releasing our negative feelings without consideration to how they will affect others. In a way, we’re stating that our emotions and feelings are more important than someone else’s.

Negative self-expression is all about ‘me.’ Expressing myself in a way that makes me feel better regardless of how it impacts someone else is self-indulgent. Even after it’s all said and the damage has been done, we defend ourselves by saying “I can’t help myself!” Well, actually, we can. We just choose not to.

What’s unfortunate about these situations is the damage that’s done not only to the other person in terms of the potential assault on their self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth but also to ourselves in terms of how others perceive us and whether or not they want to continue a relationship with us.

Can there be positive self-expression about a negative feeling? I’d like to think so. It’s expressing how we’re feeling without the negative sneeze. Whereas negative self-expression is all about ‘me,’ positive self-expression is all about ‘we’ - communicating how we’re feeling or what we’re thinking in a way that respects the feelings of others. It’s kind of like protecting others from our “dark side.”

Part of positive self-expression is having some self-control, restraint and remaining calm in a frustrating situation but not in a way that pushes down the emotion so we don’t deal with it. We can take ownership of it, allow ourselves to feel it, accept how we’re feeling while at the same time realizing that it’s our emotion and not one that we have to share the fury of it with those around us. We can state how we feel and articulate why we’re feeling that way, but we have to release it in some productive way that doesn’t negatively affect someone else.

How we choose to express ourselves is really up to us, although I’m the first to admit how difficult it can be for me to respectfully express myself when I’m feeling angry, frustrated or just plain grumpy. When I’m successful at remembering that my self-expression, good or bad, impacts others I’m much better at catching how I’m acting and communicating with them. The hard part for me, is remembering it’s all about ‘we’ and not about ‘me.’