©iStockphoto.com/Rod MacPherson

Q: I find it really hard to remember names. When I’m introduced to someone, I hear their name and sometimes repeat it back like I’ve been taught, but two minutes later, I’ve already forgotten it or remember only part of it. Was it Julie, Julia, or Juliana? Then I feel badly asking their name again. Do you have any tips on remembering names?

A: Many politicians have a remarkable ability to remember names. Good business owners do also. Is this because they have better memories than the rest of us? Not likely. They know that remembering names positively impacts their relationships with voters or customers so they’ve trained themselves to remember.

It’s common to forget names and it happens for a variety of reasons such as:

• you’re nervous when meeting others
• your attention is divided because of various external distractions
• you’re thinking about what you’re going to say next
• you’re not paying attention
• you’re not listening
• you don’t care (ie. saying to yourself “I won’t see this person again so why bother?”)

Names can go in one ear and out the other in less than a minute and if you want to remember them, you’ve got to make a little effort.

If you forget someone’s name within a couple minutes, perhaps you need to mentally review the name several times every five, ten, or fifteen seconds after hearing it. Chances are better that names will stick in your mind if you repeat them a few times during the first minute than waiting to recall them later.

Here’s a step-by-step plan for remembering names:

1. Pay attention and focus when someone is saying her name or introducing you to someone else. (Note: You already know you have difficulty with names, so you should be aware that you need to pay extra attention on this initial step.)
2. If you didn’t hear her name or are unsure of what was said, ask her to repeat it. If it’s unusual, ask for the spelling.
3. Repeat the name out loud. Say something like, “It’s nice to meet you, Michelle.”
4. Try associating names of new acquaintances with famous names, like Marilyn Monroe, Tom Thumb, Queen Victoria or Roger Rabbit.
5. Visualize the spelling of the name while you’re looking at the person.
6. Repeat the name silently in your head every few seconds at first, then every few minutes until you’re sure you’ve got it.
7. Say the name two or three times in the conversation.
8. Within the next day or so, do a mental review of the new people you’ve met and recall their names.

Remembering names is a key social skill that adds a valuable “personal touch.” It’s also an essential first step when you’re building a relationship with someone - it would be a bit weird to have a relationship with someone whose name you can’t remember. Make the effort to pay attention and focus, listen to the introduction, and repeat the name mentally every few seconds. Do this and you’ll be amazed at how easy it is to remember names.

©iStockphoto.com/Andrew Johnson

A few weeks ago, I attended a weekend conference for a charitable organization where I’m a volunteer. Most of the agenda comprised of working sessions and participants were requested to sit at round tables, six per group. As I looked around the room prior to the sessions starting, I noticed that many people at the tables just sat there, waiting, with little or no interaction between one another yet when they were spoken to, they turned out to be quite friendly. What I found interesting was that while they welcomed a conversation, they didn’t seem to be able (or willing?) to start the conversation themselves.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, here are some suggestions that may help you get everyone at the table talking and bring them together.

• Make an effort to begin a conversation. We tend to overlook the fact that making conversation, or small talk, takes work – it’s not difficult work, but conversations don’t “just happen” without someone to start them and, in some cases, keep them going. A deliberate effort is the first step.
• Introduce yourself to everyone and then to anyone who comes to join the table. Feel free to say a relevant sentence or two about yourself, such as “Hi. My name is Tom Hadley. I’m the Director of Fundraising and am here on behalf of Kingsway Regional Office.”
• Select the person sitting the farthest away from you to begin a conversation with. Often, we stick to individuals sitting right beside us but when we do this, the conversation is more likely to be restricted to include only you and the other person. When you speak to a person sitting across from you, it sets the tone for a group conversation and it’s easier to get the attention of the others and get them to participate.
• Make eye contact with everyone at the table when you’re speak and continue to do this throughout the conversation. This acknowledgement lets them know that they’re part of the discussion and may encourage them to contribute to it.
• It’s fine to ask a similar question to another person at the table, providing it’s general and relevant to them as well. For example, if your question was “How did you enjoy the Awards Ceremony last evening?” after the response, you could turn to another person at the table and ask, “What did you think of it? Did you have a good time?” Because the question is one that anyone at the table would have an opinion and could answer, it can easily become a conversation that involves the entire table.
• There may be times when you find yourself at a table that is surrounded by very shy or quiet people…or people who don’t have the social skills to keep a conversation going. If this is the case, you may end up informally taking on the role of “table moderator.” While you don’t have to force a lively and loud conversation on others, low-key amicable chat in these situations is usually welcome.
• Just one more thing: if there’s a pitcher of water on the table, offer to pour a glass for everyone else as you pour your own. It helps to break the ice and you can begin conversations while you’re handing someone their glass.

Starting a conversation in this type of situation builds rapport and is especially helpful if you’ll be working or brainstorming together.

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You’re Boring

©iStockphoto.com/4X6

Nobody likes to think they’re boring, yet it’s easy to get wrapped up talking about things that you find interesting but that other people don’t find as exciting. When speaking, discretely check in with the other person or the group to make sure they’re not bored and want to get away as soon as it’s politely possible. Being aware of how others are responding by their interaction and body language is a really important social skill.

Here are five things to look for that can tell you if you’re boring the daylights out of someone:

1. The other person isn’t responsive. No, you haven’t bored them to death (yet) but they are no longer asking you questions nor giving you verbal or physical cues to continue speaking.
2. The conversation has become a monologue. What was an exchange of ideas is now just your going on and on and the other person has stopped contributing to the discussion.
3. You ask the other person a question (like “What do you think about what I’m saying?”) and they have no response other than “That’s nice.” They probably stopped listening to you fifteen minutes ago.
4. No one else has spoken for a very long time. Chances are that everyone is silent because you’re not. Conversations include other people and if no one else has said anything for a while, it’s time for you to take a break.
5. The other person looks tired. Listening takes effort and if you’re talking incessantly you’ll wear her out. Really – enough is enough.

Generally, when talking to someone else, make sure they share the same interest or, at least, make sure that they want to know more. Being able to create and contribute to an interesting conversation is a valuable social skill. It makes people like you and want to be with you. Boring them makes them want to leave.

Don’t mistake someone paying polite attention to you for having interest in what you’re saying. They’re likely just “being nice” and hoping someone calls their cellphone with an “emergency” so they can excuse themselves. Keep the conversation a dialogue and the discussion open so everyone can participate.

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This is a great video and it’s only one minute long.

It reminds me of the challenges we face when working towards success. We can still be successful when our situation changes as long as we adapt to the new conditions, alter our plans, take different actions and keep moving forward. In this video, the characters’ situation changes and they can choose: either accept the situation and take action or stand still.

What’s your interpretation?

©iStockphoto.com/Claude Dagenais
Being able to make small talk is a very handy social skill. While there are no concrete rules for it, there are guidelines that provide some guidance to get the conversation started and keep it rolling. Here’s a list of seven top don’ts and do’s when making small talk.

1. Don’t: Be interested only in yourself
Don’t take this the wrong way but focusing on yourself, no matter how interesting you think you are, may not be of interest to another.

Do: The key to making good small talk is to be interested in others.

2. Don’t: Talk too much
Small talk is a conversation – a verbal exchange that’s light and casual.

Do: Create a conversation that you can both contribute to. Use small talk as the first step to getting to know another person.

3. Don’t: Say Nothing
Sounds contradictory to the above point, but it’s not. If you’re silent and don’t talk at all then you’re not participating and forcing the other person to carry the conversation load. They may well leave you and go find someone who would like to contribute to a good conversation.

Do: Take responsibility for the success of the conversation and create an appropriate balance between listening and talking.

4. Don’t: Neglect asking any questions
Not asking any questions quickly snuffs small talk.

Do: Ask questions that will help you uncover what you have in common with the other person. Balance out the conversation by asking questions, listening to the responses and adding your own relevant comments.

5. Don’t: Ask too many questions
Once again, this may seem contradictory to point #4 but it’s not. Asking too many questions may make the other person feel like she’s in an interrogation and cause her to be uncomfortable.

Do: Ask some questions and give her time to respond but let her reciprocate and ask you questions so she can get to know you too.

6. Don’t: Respond with one word answers
One word answers take the conversation no where fast and often result in an uncomfortable and awkward silence.

Do: Even if you’ve been asked a “yes/no” question, take a bit of time to elaborate. Include some additional information that is relevant to the question and keep the conversation going.

7. Don’t: Look bored.
Having a facial expression that reads “I’m bored” won’t help make the conversation interesting and instantly convert it to a fascinating one.

Do: If the conversation is boring, you’re partly responsible - make the effort to create an interesting conversation.

Do you have some tips to add? It would be great to hear what you do.

©iStockphoto.com/digitalskillet

It’s true. Telling jokes can help you become a better and more interesting speaker.

Really.

This is how it all began for me…

I’ve never been a natural at telling a joke; I was always one of those people who would unintentionally, yet ruthlessly, massacre it. I’d start off strong and by the third sentence I had already left out the critical part so I’d stop, back up, go again, mix up my words, stop, backtrack and by the time I arrived at the punch line, the joke had already died several times over, never to be resurrected.

It didn’t occur to me to work on my jokes – by “work on” I mean rehearse. It sounded stupid. Jokes are supposed to be spontaneous and uncontrived. Who practices their jokes??

Then I heard about stand up comics who would rehearse their routines. I didn’t realize they did that because their act would always appear so natural. Of course, it was natural because the comedian practiced. I finally made the connection that if I rehearsed my jokes then maybe I’d have more success in the telling and relieve everyone from their suffering as I verbally bumbled my way through.

So I chose one of my favourite jokes and practiced it…for three days.

Yep, you read it right – ONE joke, THREE days. Crazy, but true. That gives you an indication how inept I was.

I went over and over it until I could recite the joke from beginning to end without stumbling or backtracking and until it flowed. Once I had the joke content in my head, I was able to have some fun with it – I acted out the characters either vocally, physically, or both. Nothing dramatic or anything, but enough to bring it alive. I tried to tell it like a story, portraying the characters by making my voice either louder or softer, lower or higher, whatever gave the narrative some dimension. I also used facial expressions, body language and gestures for emphasis and depth.

I kept rehearsing and by the third day, I was ready. I joined my friends for after work drinks, told my joke in the correct sequence with my rehearsed vocal and physical expressions and, get this, they laughed! wooooo hoooooo! I couldn’t believe it! For the first time in my life, I actually told a joke that made people laugh. It was a small victory but, at the time, it felt big.

This positive reinforcement encouraged me to learn and practice a few more jokes. Over time and without realizing it, my newly developed skill of joke telling melded with my style of conversing. I began recounting daily scenarios in a way I’d tell a joke and they became stories. While most often there was no punch line, they were more interesting when I incorporated the “techniques” I was using when telling jokes.

While practicing jokes doesn’t seem like much, they gave me the skills to speak in a way that was more entertaining and interesting. I noticed that people listened better as I became more animated and dynamic. By the way, this doesn’t apply just to stories that were funny or happy either; it applies to sad or difficult stories too. These skills improved my overall ability to communicate.

I’d recommend giving this a try if you’d like to improve your speaking skills; it worked really well for me. Fortunately, I no longer have to practice jokes for three days but that initial effort had an unintentional yet significant positive impact on my “regular” speaking. It was a double win: not only did I finally learn how to tell a good joke, but also I learned how to keep people’s attention when I speak.

~~~~~

PS. If you have a few minutes this Saturday, please stop by again - I’m posting a very short video that I think is pretty amusing…I just have to find it again…I hope you’ll enjoy it too.

Have you watched this yet?

I discovered it only this morning and would like to share it with you. It’s a short film (about 5 minutes) by Alonso Alvarez Barreda.

For me, it showed how we can all make a difference in the lives of others by freely share our talents and abilities…if only we stop for a few minutes and give.

Let me know what you think…

©iStockphoto.com/Mustafa Ilker HELVACIOGLU

I had a surprise waiting for me in my inbox this morning - I received a thank you email from an acquaintance.

Here’s the story:

I’m part of a group of volunteers that comes together twice a year to do a job that we’ve done for some time. We know the drill and enjoy doing it. This year was a bit different: there was a new middle person who was coordinating our contribution. She wasn’t one of the leaders of the event, she was just responsible for our small group. When the event was finished, we wrapped up our respective assignments and went home, knowing we’d be back for a similar occasion in another few months.

As you can probably tell, it was the usual thing, nothing remarkable.

Several days had gone by and I’ve thought nothing more of it.

Then this morning, there was her email. It was only three lines long, yet it was well-written, sincere and professional.

It read:

“It took many volunteer hours to ensure the success of last Thursday’s event.

“Winston Churchill said it all when he said, “We make a living by what we
do, but we make a life by what we give.”

“I would like to thank all of you for “giving.”

Yours truly,
Anna”

Short, simple and gracious. I didn’t expect a thank you from Anna and, in fact, I wouldn’t have noticed that there was no acknowledgement from her. It wasn’t her “responsibility” and she simply didn’t “have” to do it. She did it anyway and this made it even more meaningful than if it was an obligatory ‘thank you.’ Her unexpected ‘thank you’ made her stand out.

It’s interesting how those three lines in an email changed my perception her. She’s no longer the blonde-lady-in-the-blue-suit. Now I see Anna differently:

• She’s not “just someone” I’ve seen at events – she’s Anna.
• I have a favourable opinion of her: I like her.
• I’ll make a point of reintroducing myself to her at the next event and get to know her better.
• If she’s looking for volunteers for another event, I’ll help out if I can.

Taking the initiative to show gratitude and acknowledge others even when it’s not expected, you

• stand out from the crowd and distinguish yourself from others
• appear friendly and approachable
• make a good impression
• are remembered

I don’t know if Anna was aiming to receive some direct benefit from saying ‘thank you.’ I would doubt it. Either way, she’s definitely in my “good book” for taking the time and effort to show appreciation when she didn’t have to.

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As mentioned in the previous post, saying ‘no’ is a social skill. While choosing to say ‘no’ isn’t a social skills issue but our choice, how we say ‘no’ and how we accept ‘no’ are social skills. Accepting ‘no’ respectfully and gracefully is a good social skill.

This is the final post of a three post series, Say No. To read Part I, What Happens When You Can’t Say ‘No’ click here. To read Part II, The Making of No click here.

******************************************************************

I’d been working on saying ‘no’ because I was spending more time saying ‘yes’ to things I didn’t want to do which resulted in having little time for the things I did want. Saying ‘no’ to others wasn’t easy, at least not for me.

Once I figured out how I could say ‘no’ in a way that suited my personality (see The Making of No), I was surprised at the responses – they were usually understanding and gracious. The most common ones I received were:

“That’s no problem. I’ll ask around.”
“That’s fine. I just thought I’d ask.”
“OK – but if you think of anyone who would be interested, please let me know.”

It was encouraging how most people reacted. I found it interesting that, generally, others can accept ‘no’ easier than I was able to say it.

However, I was concerned about how to handle any negative reaction - particularly after I received some responses that really bothered me. It happened on a few occasions when I declined an invitation to a social event, like a dinner party, and the other person didn’t accept it. They’d say,

“But it would be so great if you could come.” or
“I really want you to be there.” or
“Why can’t you come?”

Mulling over these responses, I realized that the first two were all about the host. She wanted me to come for her so that she could have a good time. It had little to do with me and what I wanted. Sometimes, and these times were few, I had other plans or I was exhausted from my week and didn’t have the energy to go. When I received that response, it made me feel that she didn’t care how I felt and it frustrated me.

My response would be to restate what I’d already said, “Thanks – it’s really thoughtful of you to invite me and I appreciate it, but I can’t make it. I hope we can get together again soon.” It may go back and forth for a bit, which can be trying, but it’s important to stick to ‘no’ in a kind and patient manner. It may take a bit more time than an outright ‘no,’ but to me, it’s worth it to maintain a good relationship.

The third response, “Why can’t you come?” was the one that I really disliked. It’s as if I had to defend my position. If I gave the reason, it’s likely that it would be judged to determine if it’s actually good or valid, but it’s not up to the other person determine if my reason was OK or not. We shouldn’t have to justify our reasons.

Depending on the situation and who I was speaking with, I would decide if I wanted to answer. If I didn’t, I’d leave out the specific reason and respond politely with something like,

“I’m just really busy right now and don’t want to get into the details, but I appreciate the invitation.” or
“I’d just need the evening to take it easy and spend with my family but I appreciate the invitation.”

At the time, I found responding to “Why can’t you come?” uncomfortable and stressful and I wanted to default back to ‘yes’ because it would end the conversation. However, I knew that I had to stick to ‘no’ or else I’d end up going to a party that I didn’t want to.

As a result, while I learned how to say ‘no’ I also learned how to accept it respectfully – no questions asked. I want to be a good friend, family member and colleague so when I ask someone for something, I keep the following in mind:

I want them to accept my request because they want to and not because they feel obligated.
I would like them to do what’s right for them.
I will support their decision.

As different situations come up with different types of people, I try to remember to be respectful and courteous because it makes saying ‘no’ easier.

This was how I learned to say ‘no.’ It took some time and effort but I can happily say that now I spend more time doing what I want to and less time doing what I don’t – and it feels good.

I’d like to know how you deal with saying or receiving ‘no’ and would appreciate if you’d share your experiences and suggestions. Thanks!