Interpersonal Intelligence: Relationship Construction or Demolition
by Laurie Wilhelm
Have you ever watched one of those videos showing the demolition of a building? It’s quite spectacular to watch a huge and solid structure crumble within seconds. It seems unimaginable that it could be taken down so quickly and appear so easy to destroy. Yet it is.
How different that is from the construction of the building. Even prior to its physical construction, it may have taken a couple of years to purchase the land, secure the permits, create the design, and bring the plans together. Only then does the construction begin. Time, thought, attention to detail, work – all that effort into making one building.
Relationship building is similar. Not that you need permits and blueprints, but good relationships don’t “just happen.” They’re built over time, with thought, attention to detail, and with some work. The rewards for building a good, solid relationship far outweigh any kind of “work” that was put into it (or at least they should!).
Just saying the word “work” in the same sentence as “relationship” makes it seem onerous. Really, it’s not so much work as making some extra effort from time to time. After all, not all of our interactions have to be momentous. In fact, most aren’t. They’re just the everyday actions and words that collectively build a good relationships. Even small, thoughtful behaviours that don’t seem like much from the perspective of the giver may have a huge positive impact on the receiver and strengthen the relationship. Likewise, seemingly small sarcastic comments that don’t require a second thought by person who said it can have a huge negative impact on the receiver and on the relationship. We can build up our relationships or tear them down.
It’s surprising how quickly we can demolish a relationship. Within seconds, through thoughtlessness, criticisms, or judgements, we can destroy years of friendship – or at least make a significant crack its foundation. Done repeatedly, each thoughtless action is another piece if dynamite that, over time, collects until that one day it implodes the relationship. Maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but friendships can get worn away bit by bit if we’re not paying attention to how we’re building them.
On the up side, while buildings have a completion date, relationships never do. They can always be built better, stronger, deeper. And when a relationship isn’t as good as it could be, if both parties are willing to put in a bit extra effort, they can undergo a relationship renovation.
I guess nothing really “just happens” – at least nothing that’s really worthwhile. Relationships, like success and achievement, are to be created, built and maintained. Otherwise, they implode like the demolition of a building.
