Self-Expression: Is it OK?
by Laurie Wilhelm
We may not always remember this, but we all have the opportunity to choose how we express our feelings. The consequences of our expressions are no big deal when we’re feeling good. At those times, we’re often smiling, ready to laugh, kidding around, and happy. The way we express ourselves becomes an issue when we’re in a bad mood. When we’re feeling negative, for whatever reason, we may not be as attentive in choosing how we express ourselves.
Our expressions are as contagious as a virus. Positive expressions spread positive emotions, negative ones spread negative emotions. Looking at our negative feelings, it’s not that we have to suppress them, it’s that we should communicate them in a way that is not harmful, by word or action, to the innocent bystanders in our lives.
For example, we can feel angry but we don’t have to yell and be aggressive. It’s the difference between saying, “I am angry.” and “I AM ANGRY!!!” We still communicate how we feel, but the former confines the angry virus and the latter is like an uncovered sneeze that sprays negativity all over everyone else. We still feel the same but now we’ve inflicted anger on other people.
Self-expression, it seems, is a right; we have a sense of entitlement to let people know how we feel whether they want to know it or not. What kinds of self-expression do we choose? Do we have the right to choose one that upsets another and makes someone else angry? Do we have the right to say things that hurt or offend others? At what point did we give ourselves permission to treat others poorly just because we want to express ourselves?
When we lash out in anger, frustration, or aggravation it’s as if we’ve been hijacked by our negative emotions. We’re releasing our negative feelings without consideration to how they will affect others. In a way, we’re stating that our emotions and feelings are more important than someone else’s.
Negative self-expression is all about ‘me.’ Expressing myself in a way that makes me feel better regardless of how it impacts someone else is self-indulgent. Even after it’s all said and the damage has been done, we defend ourselves by saying “I can’t help myself!” Well, actually, we can. We just choose not to.
What’s unfortunate about these situations is the damage that’s done not only to the other person in terms of the potential assault on their self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth but also to ourselves in terms of how others perceive us and whether or not they want to continue a relationship with us.
Can there be positive self-expression about a negative feeling? I’d like to think so. It’s expressing how we’re feeling without the negative sneeze. Whereas negative self-expression is all about ‘me,’ positive self-expression is all about ‘we’ – communicating how we’re feeling or what we’re thinking in a way that respects the feelings of others. It’s kind of like protecting others from our “dark side.”
Part of positive self-expression is having some self-control, restraint and remaining calm in a frustrating situation but not in a way that pushes down the emotion so we don’t deal with it. We can take ownership of it, allow ourselves to feel it, accept how we’re feeling while at the same time realizing that it’s our emotion and not one that we have to share the fury of it with those around us. We can state how we feel and articulate why we’re feeling that way, but we have to release it in some productive way that doesn’t negatively affect someone else.
How we choose to express ourselves is really up to us, although I’m the first to admit how difficult it can be for me to respectfully express myself when I’m feeling angry, frustrated or just plain grumpy. When I’m successful at remembering that my self-expression, good or bad, impacts others I’m much better at catching how I’m acting and communicating with them. The hard part for me, is remembering it’s all about ‘we’ and not about ‘me.’
Nice post!
“What’s unfortunate about these situations is the damage that’s done not only to the other person in terms of the potential assault on their self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth but also to ourselves in terms of how others perceive us and whether or not they want to continue a relationship with us.”
How true. In fact, we often hurt ourselves more than the other party.
Laurie: Agreed. Sad but true.
Thanks for coming by, Roger!