Taking No for an Answer
by Laurie Wilhelm
Have you ever been invited to a party and didn’t want to go but you also didn’t feel comfortable simply saying ‘no’? So instead of going you made up an excuse to get out of it? And you tried to be a bit creative so it sounded as if it was true – like you’re going to your in-laws on a Saturday night for a surprise reunion or your neighbour is dry walling his basement and you offered to help out. We’ve probably all been in this rather uncomfortable situation and tried to come up with a good reason but instead gave a bumbling excuse.
Why do we do that? Why can’t we just say no?
On the flip side, why is it so hard to take ‘no’ for an answer? While rejection is both hard and disappointing, we can be gracious when someone declines our invitation or offer. Here are a few suggestions on how to respectfully take ‘no’ for an answer:
1. Don’t take it personally.
If your friend doesn’t want to go to the movies, even though she has nothing else planned, this doesn’t mean her decision has something to do with you. It may mean that she just wants to spend an evening at home, flaked out on the couch, flicking channels. Whatever it is, it probably has to do with what’s going on in her life, not yours.
2. Don’t ask ‘why’ and make her justify saying ‘no.’
She doesn’t have to give you a reason why she said ‘no.’ If she offers one, fine, but if she doesn’t, don’t cross-examine her. Doing so appears as though you get to determine whether or not she has a good enough reason.
3. Don’t insist that she change her plans to accommodate you.
If she says she’d like to go to her yoga class and pass by the gym on the same evening that you invited her to a dinner party, don’t suggest that she should take an afternoon class and go to your dinner party in the evening. While you may not want to spend your Saturday evening in meditation, this might be her only time all week to really focus on it. Encourage her to do what she wants when she wants.
4. Don’t beg her to change her mind.
“Oh, please come. It won’t be fun without you. I really want you to come. Pleeeeease.”
Respect her decision. Why would you want to guilt her into coming when she’s told you she doesn’t want to? Friends don’t make friends feel guilty.
When someone turns down your invitation, show you respect her decision by saying something like, “It would have been great to have you join us, but I understand if you can’t. We can get together another time.”
It also might be a good idea at this point to move on with the conversation and change the topic so there’s not that uncomfortable silence where you both may feel awkward. This helps you to get over the rejection hump and keeps the other person from potentially feeling badly or guilty for having said ‘no.’
While it can be hard to hear ‘no,’ we can accept it graciously and respectfully. Our friends will likely appreciate our acceptance and feel more at ease to be themselves around us because they know we won’t impose our wishes on them.
About four or five years ago, I made a conscious effort to stop adding excuses to the things I was saying no to. I realized I was becoming an excuse rolodex (and not always being truthful in an effort to protect someone’s feelings). Life got much easier after that, and if someone wanted an excuse, I could share the honest one. Since I’m so good at saying no, I also taught myself to become better at hearing no. Sometimes I still have to remind myself, though, that it’s not about me (”Don’t Take It Personally”).
Laurie: “Excuse rolodex” – good description! It took me a while to stop making excuses; in the end, it was the stress of having to give excuses that made me stop. Thanks for sharing your experience, Megan, and for stopping by.
I agree that we should all accept no gracefully, but I don’t think there is anything particularly wrong with using excuses as social lubricants. No one wants to be rejected. No one wants their feelings hurt. The excuse does not need to be elaborate. It can even be completely true! Like, “I would love to go the movies with you, but I’ve just been so busy lately that I’d rather spend some time alone.” But sometimes, there is a pesky person that you genuinely do not like, and sometimes, it’s better to give a series of excuses and hopefully that person will get the hint. Otherwise, you have to actually “break up” with said person, and if you’ve ever witnessed such a thing in real life, it’s not pretty. It’s fine to break up with a boyfriend, it’s weird when you try to do that with an acquaintance. It causes lots of unnecesary hostile feelings.
Laurie: I agree with you that there are times when excuses make it easier to hear no (I like your descriptor – “social lubricants”). For me, when it becomes a constant concern (and sometimes stress) for the giver to say one or else they feel obliged to go or do something they don’t want to, that’s when it’s an issue that needs to be dealt with (by just not making excuses anymore). Also, for me, “I would love to go the movies with you, but I’ve just been so busy lately that I’d rather spend some time alone,” is a reason, not an excuse. What I find unfortunate here is that the reason is one that someone can take offense to (perhaps because of their own insecurity or other personal issue) so the giver makes up an excuse to cover for what they may consider a weak reason, even if it is valid and should be respected. I get what you mean about the pesky person…that can have ugly outcome written all over it.
Thanks for visiting, Vi, and for your thoughtful input.
Having been raised in a very “yes” environment, I have a huge problem with the word “no.” Lately I’ve been realizing that “no” is okay. We’re not going to have everything we want all the time and sometimes it’s that “no” that makes us work harder and better to get what we want.
Laurie: “Sometimes it’s that “no” that makes us work harder and better to get what we want.” Good observation – and one that makes us improve and not take a defeatist position. Thanks for coming by again, Dani.
Such a great post. I first learnt about the importance of saying no from the book by Cheryl Richardson “Take Time for Your Life”. Ever since reading it, if there’s something I don’t want to attend or I already have too much on my plate, instead of feeling obligated and going along just to please, I now say “thanks for the invite but I can’t make it this time”. It works really well.
I’m also careful to not make others feel bad for not accepting an invite from me. In fact, I support their decision because I know how important it is to not overload yourself.
Laurie: I’ve got to get that book! Thanks for mentioning it, Sami. Good for you for your consideration when others say no; I’m sure they appreciate your understanding – that’s what friends do.