Taking No for an Answer
by Laurie Wilhelm
Have you ever been invited to a party and didn’t want to go but you also didn’t feel comfortable simply saying ‘no’? So instead of going you made up an excuse to get out of it? And you tried to be a bit creative so it sounded as if it was true – like you’re going to your in-laws on a Saturday night for a surprise reunion or your neighbour is dry walling his basement and you offered to help out. We’ve probably all been in this rather uncomfortable situation and tried to come up with a good reason but instead gave a bumbling excuse.
Why do we do that? Why can’t we just say no?
On the flip side, why is it so hard to take ‘no’ for an answer? While rejection is both hard and disappointing, we can be gracious when someone declines our invitation or offer. Here are a few suggestions on how to respectfully take ‘no’ for an answer:
1. Don’t take it personally.
If your friend doesn’t want to go to the movies, even though she has nothing else planned, this doesn’t mean her decision has something to do with you. It may mean that she just wants to spend an evening at home, flaked out on the couch, flicking channels. Whatever it is, it probably has to do with what’s going on in her life, not yours.
2. Don’t ask ‘why’ and make her justify saying ‘no.’
She doesn’t have to give you a reason why she said ‘no.’ If she offers one, fine, but if she doesn’t, don’t cross-examine her. Doing so appears as though you get to determine whether or not she has a good enough reason.
3. Don’t insist that she change her plans to accommodate you.
If she says she’d like to go to her yoga class and pass by the gym on the same evening that you invited her to a dinner party, don’t suggest that she should take an afternoon class and go to your dinner party in the evening. While you may not want to spend your Saturday evening in meditation, this might be her only time all week to really focus on it. Encourage her to do what she wants when she wants.
4. Don’t beg her to change her mind.
“Oh, please come. It won’t be fun without you. I really want you to come. Pleeeeease.”
Respect her decision. Why would you want to guilt her into coming when she’s told you she doesn’t want to? Friends don’t make friends feel guilty.
When someone turns down your invitation, show you respect her decision by saying something like, “It would have been great to have you join us, but I understand if you can’t. We can get together another time.”
It also might be a good idea at this point to move on with the conversation and change the topic so there’s not that uncomfortable silence where you both may feel awkward. This helps you to get over the rejection hump and keeps the other person from potentially feeling badly or guilty for having said ‘no.’
While it can be hard to hear ‘no,’ we can accept it graciously and respectfully. Our friends will likely appreciate our acceptance and feel more at ease to be themselves around us because they know we won’t impose our wishes on them.
