Three Steps to Resolve Your Complaints
by Laurie Wilhelm
We all complain. Sometimes, our complaints are legitimate and we voice them because we want to draw attention to a situation which we’d like to improve. Complaining can also be therapeutic when we need to vent and get something off our chest. Other times, however, they’re reactive, idle rants that go on and on over time and we can become so absorbed by the pessimism of the situation that we put our concentration on complaining about the problem instead of on finding a solution to it.
There are several unfortunate consequences when we indulge in this kind of non-stop complaining, besides having our friends either avoid the topic that ignites the rant or avoid us because they’re tired of listening to it. Those consequences are that complaining
- drags everyone down
- discourages creativity
- eats at morale
- establishes an “us against them” victim mentality
- gets in the way of finding a solution to the issue
- creates suspicion and paranoia that “someone’s out to get us”
- leads to blaming and finger pointing
- is uninspiring, tiresome, and boring
When it comes to getting along with others, complaining is not an optimal approach. An over-active complainer may not realize this, but his constant stream of negativity eventually wears down relationships. It’s difficult to endure conversations that focus intensely on what’s going wrong. Such rants tend to be repeated over and over and the issue never changes. As time passes, complaining causes relationships to stagnate because they’re stalled on repetitive, negative aspects of situations, circumstances, conditions or people.
Complaining can’t resolve any problem. The constant-complainer’s mental attitude is stuck on the problem and it doesn’t allow him move forward. It’s as if he’s suspended in time by keeping alive the things and situations that bother him. He’s so focused on the problem that he has no brain-space left to find the solution. Solutions cannot be found in the complaint.
Solutions are creative, dynamic and they uncover different perspectives. They open up possibilities and opportunities by focusing on what can be done, not what can’t or what doesn’t work. Solutions require that the individual moves forward and develop. Their relationships are positively impacted by their “can-do” attitude, they’re inspired by their creativity and they’re seen as leaders because they’re focused on improvement and progress and not satisfied with second-rate status quo.
There are ways to avoid the complaint trap and not allow your relationships to suffer from the inherent negativity in complaining. These three steps may be useful:
Three Steps to Resolve Your Own Complaints
1. Identify the issue and leave it at that.
Don’t go on and on about how much it bothers you, how it frustrates you, how much you don’t like it, etc. State what is the problem and go on to step two.
2. Take a proactive and positive approach to come up with ideas to resolve the problem.
Ask yourself, “What can I do about this?” or “How can I change a negative situation into a better one?” Ask others for their input and suggestions. Research similar situations. Think of three possible solutions and choose which offers the best possible outcome and will resolve the complaint.
3. Do it.
Put the solution into action. You could have the best solution in the world but it’s meaningless if you do nothing with it; an issue is still an issue if the solution isn’t implemented. In some cases, you may find that a possible solution is to walk away from the situation. That’s OK. Sometimes, leaving the situation can be the best resolution. Whatever you decide, take action and resolve the issue that’s causing the complaint.
The negative focus of complaints drains our energy and prevents us from finding the solutions that are needed to make situations and circumstances better. Individuals who turn complaints into opportunities for improvements often take on the role of a leader because they focus their attention on doing rather than on complaining. They’re able to create the necessary changes to eliminate the cause of the complaint instead of keeping it alive.
Taking some time to consider what are our common complaints and how they affect our relationships is an exercise worth exploring. If we realize that we overdo it sometimes, this might be an opportunity to find a solution instead of complaining about the problem.
I had a friend who used to call me and complain about stuff over and over again (the same stuff, usually). I reached a point where I’d let her get it out into the open and then I’d say, “So what are you going to do about it?” That became my approach for many years with friends who were chronic complainers. One day, that first friend called me up and said, “You know, when you asked me that question I realized I could actually do something about it, so I did!”
This was a great post — It gets me thinking about what life would be like if no one ever complained!
Laurie: Wow – what a great result to have your friend come back to you and tell you that you empowered her. Just that one simple question moved her from reactive complaining to positive action. Brilliant!
Sometimes people feel the need to vent or rant, just to get things off their chest. For most everyone in my life, I am apparently the person to go to in order to do just that. On one hand, it’s nice to know that I’m somehow good at this role of listener, ie. person to complain, vent, rant to. On the other hand, it gets tiring.
Laurie: Agreed…on everything you wrote. I often end up being the “rantee” or receiver of the rant too. It’s not so bad if I know that when they vent and get it overwith they feel better. It’s when they go on for months on end (this is usually a work-related rant) that it gets to be tiring. Thanks for visiting and commenting, Vi; I appreciate it.
These are great suggestions. Personally, I hate complaining (even though I definitely do it). It never gets me anywhere and it just makes the situation seem worse. These days, when I catch myself complaining, I really try to think about how I can see the situation in a positive light OR what I can do to make the situation better. Usually, it works!
Laurie: It’s interesting how many possibilities (and opportunities) are “out there” when we stop complaining and start fixing. Thanks for visiting, Dani.
So many times we think of a great solution, but we don’t try to implement it. We can’t be afraid to “do it” because more often than not we will surprise ourselves.
Laurie: True. We’re more capable of more things than we give ourselves credit. Thanks for stopping by, Karl.