What is Social Success?
It seems to me that we’re inundate with images of what it is to be popular and the centre of attention. Has that become our expectation? The desire to constantly be the centre of attention? To obtain celebrity stature in an “ordinary” person’s life?
I’m not talking about having the paparazzi follow us everywhere, but there is an impression that in order for us to be considered a social success we must have dozens of friends, go out all the time, always know the best or funniest thing to say at any given moment, and to be recognized and acknowledged wherever we go.
A classic example of being the focus of attention is in the popular TV show Cheers! Everyone exclaimed “Norm!” as he walked into the bar. But really – how likely would that be in real life? The only thing Norm did was sit on the same bar stool day after day, drink beer and talk to Sam. The one person who did hang around him was the unpopular postman and the wait staff were paid to like him. “Where everybody knows your name.” I would doubt most people would have known Norm, however, we’re made to believe he was somehow popular in that environment.
Have a realistic expectation of social success.
Know what social success means to you – it’s different to different people. Is it…
- knowing everyone in your department and getting along with them?
- being invited to a dinner party where you don’t know anyone but leave having made a couple new friends?
- having a long contact and network list?
- having a variety of friends you can call on so you can go out every Saturday night?
- knowing there’s someone you can turn to when times get tough?
- knowing everyone in your neighbourhood?
Know what social success means to you and what kind of relationships you want. Don’t determine your success based on what it means to someone else or what you see on TV and in the movies.
Know how you’re going to achieve it
Once you know what you want, then figure out what you need to do to make those friendships and relationships happen. Think about it. Have a plan. It’s more than just going out and being around people. It’s knowing how to act and what to say around them. If you know how to do these, you’ll be more comfortable and self-assured around others.
(Here’s a previous post about the need to practice specific social skills rather than to ‘just go out’.)
Keep your interactions consistent and positive and you’ll reap many social rewards over time. Remember also that you have to be the kind of friend that you’re looking for in another:
- If you want someone to be interested in what you do, be interested in what they do.
- If you want someone to hang out with, be a person who is easy to hang out with.
- If you want someone to listen to you, listen to them.
- If you want to have interesting conversations, have something interesting to say.
- If you want to be invited out, invite someone out.
Also, if you want to be popular, be someone who people want to be around.
The quality of your relationships are likely reflective of how much effort and time you put into them. If your relationships aren’t as good as you’d like, you’re probably not contributing to them in a way that would make them fulfilling. Take action and make them what you’d like. Don’t wait for someone else to do it for you. It doesn’t work that way.
Even with all the social skills ideas you can get your hands on, you still have to do the work. How successful you want to be depends on you and your commitment to mastering your social skills.
